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CarriesDaughter Asked July 2021

Caring for my LO who is 89, I’m 70. I’m being verbally abusive out of frustration. Nothing physical but I’m yelling all the time. Advice?

This has happened within the last 5 mos. Before that she was mostly independent and living on her own with me doing her shopping and taking her to appts. and occasional financial matter. Her dementia gets worse daily. She was hospitalized for her emphysema and the protocol is mega dose of prednisone which causes her to hallucinate and be disoriented. While in the hospital she falls and fractures a hip that was repaired. Went to rehab, which was a horrible experience because I couldn’t see her and had to get updates by phone. Often times they did not answer the phone and when they did, of course, everything was going Came to stay with me after that for what I thought was temporary. I turned my living room into a bedroom because she can’t navigate stairs and I started noticing that the hallucinations and disorientations were getting worse as well as her confusion. She fell while in my care that resulted in another hospital stay and no contact again. Went to rehab ( no contact). After discharge I decided to take her to her tiny apt. because I’m told that it may be helpful. It was not. I’m watching her decline daily. She also has vision and hearing issues even though she wears a hearing aid. Also, we were in prep to move her to a better apt. that has a walk in shower and wood floors which will be helpful because she spills stuff often. So, I’ve been purging and packing. That in itself is frustrating because she doesn’t want to let go of things. I do have a CNA come in 3 days a week for 4 hrs each day. I know she can’t help herself but I find myself constantly yelling as if she understands what she’s doing. She thinks she understands but she doesn’t. I have no sibs to help or any other family members that are able. I know it will come a time for her to be placed in a facility but until I’m allowed to visit whenever I want that isn’t going to happen. Mich. is still strict about nursing homes because of COVID and I don’t want that experience again. I try not to yell but it’s getting worse and I know it’s not helpful for either of us. I’m mostly venting but I’m so frustrated that I want to cry. That’s all I did was cry when she was in the hospital and rehab.

LH1971 Jul 2021
Just want to add something different--Understandably you're frustrated and stressed, but I'd look at where your behavior's coming from. I was a verbally abusive person when younger, until I realized I was just imitating the person who abused me, and repeating the pattern (yelling tends to run in families, it's a learned behavior, and not everyone yells when at the end of their rope). That stopped me in my tracks. I never wanted to act or sound like that person again, and it has shaped my behavior around others ever since.
MJ1929 Jul 2021
Thank you for saying this.

I was raised in a house where voices were never raised because my dad came from an abusive home and vowed not to repeat that with his own family. It has never occurred to me to yell at my mother, even out of frustration, because that kind of behavior is foreign to me.
AnnReid Jul 2021
You are unable to manage the full time care of your mother.

You have done everything humanly possible, and nothing has been more successful than the care she received while hospitalized or in residential care during the worst of the pandemic.

You are now attempting to embark on another major upheaval for you both, with at maximum, a 50/50 shot at success.

You are a FINE PERSON who has taken on a task that no one can expect to achieve successfully without personal risk.

If you had found a good placement for her previously, revisit it to determine how it is operating now. My LO is once again accessible to me daily, at any time during the day except when she naps. I can hug her, coax her, joke with her, all the good nourishing things we BOTH missed so terribly during the lockdown.

I live in a state that was WORSE than Michigan. Check the status of your state TODAY. Don’t make your decisions on what was happening last week, OR EVEN YESTERDAY.

Please address what you can fairly accomplish on your own. I KNOW from sad experience, that you are over reaching, at risk to yourself, and minimal benefit to your mother.

I will be thinking of you, and hoping that you are working towards a plan that will be fair to you both.

BE WELL.

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NYDaughterInLaw Jul 2021
If you continue yelling and causing your blood pressure to increase you could have a stroke. Find a new place for your mom to live before you get sick.

cwillie Jul 2021
I always woke up determined to do better but when instead I found myself blowing up earlier and earlier each day I realized that it was time to step away. I get the fear of facilities especially in these times, but your short fuse isn't just damaging to you it's about your mother too; does she deserve to be yelled at constantly? Stop and think - if it was someone other than you what would your reaction be? My compromise to myself was to place my mom for a respite stay, it was when I began to dread the thought of her coming home that I agreed to place her permanently.

from AARP

"What's allowed in Michigan?
Outdoor visits are encouraged when weather permits, but indoor visits are allowed if visitors present a recent negative COVID-19 test. Facilities can only accept visitors if they've gone at least 14 days without a new case. Visitors will have their temperature taken upon arrival and must wear masks and practice physical distancing."
lealonnie1 Jul 2021
The voice of reason. When yelling is constant, it's not a good situation for either person and placement is the very best option, period.
Daughterof1930 Jul 2021
Her care needs are now more than you can provide at any sustainable level. Your yelling is frustration that it can’t be better anymore. She needs increased care, either in a nursing home setting or more help brought into home. A sitter that isn’t medically trained can cost less than a CNA, we used this for my dad and it worked well. Don’t let your enduring memories be yelling and frustration. Get outside everyday, a walk was a tremendous help to me. Accept that now is the time for a new plan and more help. I wish you both calm and peace

golden23 Jul 2021
It sounds like you and your Mom have reached a point where significant change have to be made. You both need more support. Is there a therapist or caregiver group near you or online where you could get support? Your mother has lots of health issues and she will get worse. It's a difficult transition, I know, but she may need to be moved to a facility. In any case you need to lighten your load somehow. Do get out and do more for yourself as you can. Caregiving is very challenging. You need to look after yourself.

Countrymouse Jul 2021
Hugs to you.

First aid ideas:
Step out of the room and do conscious breathing.
Say aloud "STOP!"
Put an elastic band on your wrist and snap it when you feel the pressure building.

Next:
Can you do anything about the CNA hours?

With the packing - the only way I could get round this was to box/bag things up and assure mother they were going into storage; and I wasn't lying to her, they did go into storage. But at least it got them under control. Is the apartment she's moving to larger (by volume/square footage) than this one?

What presses your buttons most, do you think? (I know it can be hard to think what *doesn't*! Hugs of sympathy).

Layne7 Jul 2021
I’m so sorry for what you are going through - I’ve been there and have yelled at my mom too. Especially when I was trying to get her moved to a different facility that could provide the level of care she needed. All those details to coordinate while struggling to communicate with her. Whew! I do have a thought about why the yelling happens sometimes. My Mom also has significant hearing loss and trouble processing verbal communication. She wears hearing aides, but I still have to speak loudly and slowly for her to get any of it. Sometimes having to speak that way for long periods can morph into actual yelling before you know it, particularly when you have so much on your plate. So cut yourself a break. It just happens sometimes. Love and peace to you.

earlybird Jul 2021
I think you need to place your mom. Yelling only makes things worse for both of you. You may not be able to visit anytime but in the long run it really is in your moms best interest.

funkygrandma59 Jul 2021
The fact that you say that you're now yelling all the time at her, is an indication that things have to change, and that you need a lot more help than what you're currently getting.
Is it normal for a caregiver to occasionally lose their temper with the one they're caring for? Of course it is. But the fact that you say it's now all the time, is not normal, but a sign that you're at your breaking point.
Perhaps instead of hollering at your mom, you might want to try and go outside on your porch or patio, and letting out a loud scream anytime you feel yourself about to lose it. That way you won't be taking it out on your mom, as you already know that it's not your moms fault. You are instead angry with the situation, and the fact that mom is no longer the person you once knew, and that Covid is delaying the inevitable for your mom.
I hope that when you have the caregivers coming in 3 times a week(you probably want them coming more)that you are leaving the home and getting out and doing some fun things that you enjoy, as self care is just as important, if not more than the care we're giving our loved one. You certainly don't want to be in the statistics where the caregiver dies before the one they're caring for do you?
Please don't beat yourself up over this. Instead start taking care of yourself, and get out on that back porch and SCREAM!!!

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