My mother (54 years old) is a primary caregiver of her mother, my grandmother (85 years old) and has been for the past 5 years. My grandmother suffered a stroke and is bedridden, she also has dementia and often is not aware of where she is etc. She has to be fed and taken care of in all possible ways.
My mother goes to work, and so during her absence there are employed caregivers who feed and wash my grandma etc. - however, due to financial reasons, my mother takes over as soon as she comes back. My mom does not have friends or a significant other; she does not have vacations; she is with my grandma during all her free time, providing care. Our apartment looks more like a hospital than a home.
What is the most troubling is that my mom is completely burned out. Everyday she talks about being a slave and hating her life. She says that she wishes she could die / shot herself etc. She suffers from depression and her health (both physical and mental) is deteriorating very rapidly. Our relationship is suffering tremendously as well. I try to help with my grandmother whenever I can and am home from school, but it doesn't seem to make a difference in my mom's state.
My mom is refusing to see a therapist, she frequented therapy in the past and was unhappy with it. She also refuses to place my grandmother in assisted living, for she says that she "could not live with the guilt". Her mental health is horrible, her physical health is going downhill - lack of sleep, constant stress, spine issues etc. It is all getting worse and worse. Our relationship is in shreds. My own mental health is bad - I have diagnosed depression and am on medication. I wish my mom placed my grandmother in assisted living but she refuses. I have no idea what to do. Please help me.
I am sorry that your mom wasn’t satisfied with therapy. Perhaps she didn’t connect with that particular therapist. You could suggest that she find another one that may be more suitable for her.
I agree with you and other posters that say mom should be in a nursing home. Wishing you and your family all the best. Please keep us updated on your situation. Reach out to this forum whenever you need to talk about your feelings. We care.
Matter of fact;
Mom. Grandma needs to go to a Nursing Home. Her care needs are TOO MUCH for our home now. Talk to her Doctor & arrange it.
On repeat.
Or a softer approach..
Mom. You have given Grandma the most wonderful gift of your care for all this time: but you are ONE person. We have some home help but unless somehow there can be many many more home health people to help, it can no longer work. You need a new plan. So let's find out if more help can be obtained at home. If not, what the other options are.
The therapy way;
Your Mom may feel she MUST do all the care or MUST obey her Mother. Or it's a shame thing in the eyes of her extended family or community. Over-caring what others would think. This is the area therapists work at - all the whys? If this is something you feel comfortable with, you could ask her about these issues & see if she can change her mind.
Or just be blunt.
Mom. When you wear out, Grandma will be sent to the hospital, then a nursing home of their choice. That WILL happen unless you change this.
if you can do research of where your gran could move into, that would be a big help to be able to move out of the depressing situation that all of you are in. It’s all 3 of you that are affected. Gran is considered “bedfast” and that would be skilled care not assisted living. There will be a NH aka a skilled nursing facility that will take LTC Medicaid that gran can move into. They all will have documentation needed for the LTC Medicaid application & you can help get those items together.
How are the current caregivers being paid? Im assuming it’s on a state program, not hospice, but an in-home health care program, so there should be some sort of assessment happening periodically to continue services for gran. Someone within the program will know how to get gran evaluated and placed for a higher level of care. If she is getting several days a week now, she is, I bet, getting the maximum # of hours allotted for in home health. The next step would be care provided in a LTC facility. I wouldn’t be surprised if in fact, it has already been suggested to your mom by the program gran is on, that gran needs to move into a facility.
Are you seeing a therapist? If so they might know of resources to help you & mom find & place gran in a facility.
Also all parts of the US have Areas on Aging. It will be part of the Council of Government which are regional planning & outreach agencies. The Area on Aging provide lists of facilities, ombudsman programs and other outreach services. It will be free too.
On a personal level, do so,etching to your room / your space to change how it looks visually. The point the door to an apt that is more hospital than home is just awful. You need to do something to a wall or 2 to change your visual. If you can’t paint, buy a couple of King size sheets in a color or pattern that makes you happy and tack them up. So you have Dolly515 refuge & refresh zone.
After you get a bunch of comments here on the forum, let your mom come in and read the entire post you wrote along with the comments. It may be just the thing she needs to wake up and realize that she's taken on too much and that her first priority needs to be YOU and your mental health now, as well as her own! Giving all of that up in favor of caring for your grandma who isn't even aware of her environment is a big mistake.
I grew up in a similar situation to yours and I know what you're going through. I too watched my mother suffer with depression and misery every day of my life trying to cope with her mother living with us. My childhood was ruined as a result and to this day I have a difficult relationship with my mother as a result of having my childhood stripped away from me for no good reason. "Guilt" is a very useless emotion which serves no good purpose & tries to convince a person she's doing the 'right thing' even when it's all for the wrong reasons!
I am sorry you are going through such a tough time in your life & I honestly hope your mother will wake up soon and realize what she's doing here by feeling 'guilty' is wrong on every level. Wishing you the best of luck & sending you a big HUG. Check back with us, we do care.
Please tell your mom this --
First, Grandma does not qualify for assisted living. That's for people who need help taking their meds properly but who are otherwise fairly independent. Grandma is too far gone for that. Her needs are much higher than what assisted living provides.
Second, nursing homes are nothing like the horror stories from 20-30 years ago. They have much higher standards of care and are overseen much better than they were. They're life-savers for families like yours.
Third (and this is the most important) -- the care your mother is giving is NOT the best care Grandma can get. One person at a time (your mom or a hired caregiver) can't even approach the level of care a team can provide. That's why nursing homes these days are better places to provide the care our loved ones need -- they do the heavy work, which frees up the family (you and Mom) to just love on Grandma.
Grandma's care is only going to get more intensive and require more hands. It's not going to go the other way, so ask your mom (lovingly) what would Grandma do if she (Mom) wasn't around to love on her -- or on you, for that matter?
Mom needs to make some changes and might be overwhelmed with them all, but if you can be supportive and encouraging and let her know that truly CARING for Grandma might mean letting the experts do the hands-on care, then try to encourage her in that direction. Her health and yours are as valuable as Grandma's, and martyring herself is not going to benefit Grandma in any way.
Tell her you love her, and start looking into skilled nursing facilities nearby. (That's the term for nursing homes that give a higher level of care than assisted living facilities.)
Check back here if you need more help.