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BintUmi Asked May 2021

My lovely neighbors and my dementia mom. Am I overthinking this?

I'm 37 and I take care of dear mom who was diagnosed with dementia a year ago, but is progressing so fast. We are renters, living in a townhouse, and we've lived in this community for about 22 years---I technically grew up here. My mom has always been kind to our next door neighbors who also lived next to us for 22 years. They adore mom and they have nothing but respect for her and our family. My only worry (as if I don't have enough to worry about), my mom screams when I try to get her up to go to the bathroom, screams when I try to take her to her bedroom, screams and yells/calling for someone almost all day. Every morning, when I try to get her out of bed, she screams so loud. I've apologized constantly to my two next door neighbors because the walls are so thin and I know mom screaming all day is no fun, she even knocks on windows and asks anyone passing by to come get her out or she would say hey hey or call them by someone else name. My two lovely neighbors even bring me coffee and donuts from time to time just to remind me I have nothing to apologize about and tell me they know what dementia does, but I can't help but feel so bad and ashamed that others can hear my mom like this. I can't afford to buy a house, so I'm really stuck in this place, but I feel hopeless and don't know what to do. Am I overthinking this?

cweissp May 2021
Your mother is so blessed to have you as her daughter; and you are so blessed to have the neighbors you have - how sweet they think enough of you to bring you treats.

I agree you need to have your mother assessed by her doc for anti-anxiety meds to take the edge off. Could she possibly be experiencing physical pain that you are unaware of - an infection?

While it is commendable that you want to care for your mother, it appears to be getting to the point of being too much - have you considered to add some in home aids? You also may need to consider placement. Placing your mother doesn't make you any less of a caregiver - or means you failed as a caregiver - it just changes how you caregive. Instead of being a hands-on caregiver you are then free to again be her daughter and advocate for the care she receives - smoothing over problems and handling issues that arise at the facility. In addition you have a team of caregivers there 24/7.

Again your mother is so lucky to have you as her daughter. May your mother, you and your neighbors be blessed.

bevthegreat May 2021
No, you're not over thinking it but there really isn't a lot you can do about it other than tell the Dr what is going on and have him prescribe a medication to keep her more calm.

You first need to go out of the house while she is screaming and see exactly what you can hear and also ask the neighbor what exactly they can hear.

Maybe the screaming is muffled and not as loud as you think to the neighbor.

It's an awful situation for all but when you say your mom screams, hopefully only for a few seconds while you move her then she stops. .

If it's a constant scream on and off all day, than you really need to find a solution as
it isn't fair to your neighbors to have to live out their retirement years like that.

Prayers
wolflover451 May 2021
thats a good suggestion about seeing what the neighbors can hear, but that is outside. we lived in a townhouse for a couple years and could hear the people next to us have yelling argument battles alot...........some slight anxiety medication might just be needed for a little bit. i wish her luck

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AlvaDeer May 2021
Are you considering placement for your Mother? Your neighbors have already reassured you, but it sounds like there is more than a neighbor issue afoot here.

NeedHelpWithMom May 2021
Indeed, you have lovely neighbors. Still, I understand how awkward you must feel in this situation.

I thought that I could care for my mom until the end. It becomes too much mentally and physically. My brother took the reigns after I did it. It was hard for each of us. Mom prayed for a way out of being a burden on the family. She was blessed to spend her last month of life in a wonderful hospice house. She received incredible care from the staff. She died with dignity and free from pain.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. No one can do it all forever and if they force themselves to do everything they usually pay a high price for it. Their health will start to decline, both physically physically and emotionally. I struggled with anxiety, depression and extremely high blood pressure.

There is no shame in admitting that we need help or find that we feel it’s best to place our loved ones in a facility.

Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.

MJ1929 May 2021
No, you're reacting as any considerate neighbor would do -- and so, too, are your neighbors. Be grateful you have such kind people to support you.

Hang in there -- you have a wonderful support system.

SouthernSun May 2021
Regrettably, it is time to consider placing your mother in a dementia facility, for her well being more than yours. Have you exhausted medication assistance? Your mother sounds terrified of changes she can't control.

Moxies May 2021
Do ask for a medical evaluation if you have not already done so. Some physical changes could heighten your Mom's confusion and anxiety. Medication might be helpful. Consider some rest for yourself-part time help, a respite stay for Mom it is feasible. A chance for quiet and rest might free energy up for you to think of ways to ease the situation and let you see how care could change your Mom's situation. Your attitude reflects well on you as a person, and your Mom's care of you in the past.

LoveLea May 2021
I’m going through the same thing with my mom. At its extreme, I discovered she had a UTI. Once that was treated, she calmed down. She lives with me in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment, so I share walls and floors with neighbors. Most of my neighbors are elderly. My mom’s doctor has her on lots of anxiety medication to keep her calm through the day. At night she gets more sleep medication. Again, when she had a UTI she was streaming and crying at midnight. At times, she screamed for the police! UTI seems to really play with their behavior and emotions to the extreme. Ask the doctor for anxiety medication but watch for the possibility of a UTI. My heart goes out to you and others like us who are trying our best to care for our love ones. This is sooooo hard but know that you’re not alone.
AmberJay May 2021
Thats so true!! Truth!!! Even the smallest thing can upset the apple cart, and I remember hearing a lot of UTI related stories over the years. Good thoughts. Just the other morning my mil needed to fast for a blood test. She's on tube feeding now, so it's perfect nutrition like clockwork everyday. She got really spacy and distant, she didn't even respond to questions, just stared blankly. Sure 'nough after she got her food, she was fine. That was only a few hours without eating. What you say is truth!
BurntCaregiver May 2021
It's time to put your mother in a nursing home.
If you can manage to pay the rent on your own at the townhouse then great. If you can't then get a roommate to help share expenses.
Either way, your mother's needs now cannot be met by you alone. Or by any one single person.
You are not over-thinking it. You know that you're going to have to make this decision soon because she's getting worse fast.
Find a care facility that will take her.

BeckyT May 2021
I agree that medication may make your Mother more comfortable. Imagine how she feels when she is screaming like that - all that anxiety! A medication to bring her anxiety level down a few notches will make everyone feel better, but most of all your Mom - even if it makes her a bit sleepy, that’s better than the awful knot of anxiety. You want her to feel the best she can through this journey she’s taking.
Sarah3 May 2021
Yes I think a low dose anxiety med to take the edge off if her doctor okays it
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