I moved to Toronto from California five years ago to take care of my grandfather, who was all alone at the time. I spent the last of my twenties in this role, assuming my mother would eventually move back from abroad (Nairobi, Kenya) to help me take care of her aging dad (he's now 96). I was wrong. After years of my (extremely unreliable) mother promising to move back to help me take care of him, I have given up on believing her. Instead, I think the only way that I can get help caring for my grandfather is if I move back to California with him. Is this an unreasonable ask of my grandfather to have him move to California with me? He doesn't have much of a life here outside of living in the same condo for 20+ years. He would be happier to be around my siblings, his grandchildren, I just don't know if this is a selfish ask on my part... it's just that I can't stay in Toronto any longer. I'm all alone here and I feel I've sacrificed so much. I just want to be back home where I can depend on my dad and my siblings. Please help!
To be honest, the outcome for granddad, at age 96 is of little import to me. Let your mother know you will be leaving in (a month, two months, whatever you decide) and tell her he will be alone then with access to the other family members in the area.
Tell him you are moving and he is welcome to come with you.
Otherwise he will have the family there where he is.
Whether he goes into care or stays to die in his home at this point, unless you are seeing specific instances of abuse, doesn't seem especially relevant to me.
Not everything has a perfect answer. Not everything can be just "so". You have a right to your own life. Please claim it. Your grandfather has HAD his life, and a good long one as well. He can make his own decision now what to do about the fact you are going home.
I have some thinking to do, it's hard for me to let go. I love him so dearly
Thanks for your kind words!
If he wants to stay in Toronto, let him. He'll have no one and will probably have to go into assisted living or a nursing home. Moving to California sounds like a win-win for everyone especially you. California means family and you won't have to assume all the responsibility of meeting his needs.
Move to California. Line up some senior housing or AL for your grandfather to go to.
I believe the answer is to resume touring ALF's here in Toronto for him. I am just dreading having to "put him in a home"
And thank you so much for your empathy. I really appreciate it. trying hard to avoid having serious resentment towards my mom.
They will provide free of charge services up to 35 maybe 40 hours per week. Contact Social Worker. They will also help you with finding facility and help you with other issues if you decide to look for AL in Toronto.
Also, be aware as Canadian if he is out of the country for more than six months he will lose his residency status.
That means if he wants to come back he will have to reestablish that and would not qualify for any benefits i.e. medical or GIS.
Also, if he is resident or dual citizen of USA and Canada he will have to pay taxes in both countries if applicable.
There are many complications.
On the other hand it is really not that difficult as my son lives in USA and he has triple citizenship and I know I could easily live in USA. Canadians can obtain special residency.
The age of your grandfather is a big factor here.
At the same time being around family and in California could be beneficial.
Do they let anyone in ... I mean, what is the criteria?
I surely LOVE Canadians based on my one experience there for two days (waiting for the cruise ship). The people are different. Kind, aware, easy going. I need to check this out. Now in my early 70s ... I need to think ahead a bit / or a lot more. Thanks.
I think whatever country he has citizenship , you should place him in a care home there if possible . It’s not fair for you to give up your life .
What kind of care does he need ? You should tell grandpa you can not do this anymore . Does he have money or a home to sell to go into assisted living ?
Does he walk ? Could he go to assisted living , or does he need SNF for more care ?
What exactly did he need a caregiver for? Just because a person is in their 90's (he was 91 when you moved to help him) does not mean they need a caregiver.
So to get to your question....
What does grandpa want to do?
If he wants to move then make the move.
If grandpa does not want to move what are your plans? Are you going to give up the rest of your life and stay with him until he dies?
Do you have the "authority" to force him to move? If he is cognizant he can refuse to move.
If he does not want to move then enable him to remain by setting up a way that he will be safe on his own. There are devices like Alexa, cameras that can help you monitor him.
This will be real simple if you ask grandpa if he wants to move and be closer to family and he agrees. Better to ask him than "us" here on AgingCare.
You need to make the move for you. You are too young to give up your life.
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