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KarenKB Asked January 2021

How do I deal with my grandmother who's narcissistic and just mean, while I try to care for my grandfather who has dementia?

My sweet grandfather, 85, has declined massively in the past few months with his dementia and a round of pneumonia, among other ailments. I fly 1,700 miles to be close to them and help. I bathe him, I help him toilet, I buy everything, I throw out expired food, I take him for rides, etc. I love every bit of being with him. On the other hand, my grandmother is in complete denial (this is not a new trait) which I'm sure comes from hurt and grief. However, she agrees that she can "take care of him" but really doesn't. She doesn't stay when he's in the bathroom which has caused unimaginable events. She has let him wander outside (in Wisconsin where it's 0-20 right now) where he decided to take his shoes and socks off in the driveway...thank goodness I am always right there to save the day. I live in Arizona. I have a family of my own....I'm trying to help them by bringing in paid caregivers, nurse, OT, etc. but she's so stubborn!


I'm trying to have her be the one who gives him his medications (4x/day). Tonight I told her to give him his Tylenol PM (like the doctor ordered) at 8:00. She did and he was totally falling asleep but she responds with, "we stay up until 10:00 and have ice cream". This is true, this is what it has always been....but I explained to her he needs to go to bed earlier, in the window of opportunity for the medication to work. She responds with, "you're a fool and you can lecture me tomorrow"..... that's just one of many stories. I want to go home to my family but I'm scared something bad will happen to him if I leave...even with extra care coming in. :( I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my mind is catching dementia...like it's contagious or something (not trying to make light of it, I truly feel like my mind is just out of fuel). Appreciate any insight, thoughts, prayers, coffee....haha Happy this site exists.

KarenKB Jan 2021
Thank you for your thoughts. We have toured most facilities but the fact is once we place him we cannot visit until Covid restrictions are lifted. I'm doing my best.... appreciate your kind words.

Playadelcarmen2 Jan 2021
Your story makes my heart ache for you. I have no words of wisdom. I just want you to know you are a wonderful Granddaughter. I truly hope things work out for you.

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JoAnn29 Jan 2021
Where are their children? It really is up to them to help their parents. Not saying they need to take them into their homes but they need to make sure they are safe, fed and cared for somehow. I think the best thing for your grands would be an AL if they can afford it.

And the Tylenol. Why does he have to have it at 8pm. Why can't they have their ice cream at 10pm. Then give him the Tylenol or right before. You are not going to change habits that have been instilled in people for 50 or 60 years. Your grandmother should be allowed to enjoy her ice cream time with her DH.

Really, I see where you are coming from. I was (sometimes still am) like you. But my brother or DH would say, does it really matter. I think your Grandmom may have Dementia too. No one in their right mind allows a person to go outside in winter not properly dressed. When people suffer from a Dementia, you cannot change their routine. It just adds to their confusion. I also would say the doctor suggested Grandad take the Tylenol at 8pm based on how long he figured it takes effect. It works differently on everyone. For me, I got up "foggy" in the morning so I stopped it.

You need to realize that you are coming into your Grandmother's house and to her, your trying to take over. She has and does things different from you. You can't change her. My daughter moved home temporarily when she lost a job. I gave her space in the pantry for her own food. Next thing I knew she was organizing my space. I went to bake and could not find anything. She also rearranged my computer. I changed everything back. It may be organized to her but not to me.

I think some changes are going to be needed. Trying to set up in home care from a distance is kind of impossible. You literally have strangers coming into their home with no one nearby to oversee them. I hope someone has POA for both. I think both need 24/7 care and at this stage an AL would be good. Neither probably hit the criteria of LTC. You need to find out what resources their State has. Some Medicaid will pay for an AL, others like my State, you pay at least 2 yrs privately then Medicaid takes over.

This is going to be hard for you. Caring for one person is hard but two? If there are no children, then maybe moving them near you is what u may have to do. Gramps is going to worsen. He will eventually need more care than even an AL is able to give. It is no longer what they want but what they need. So you make it as easy on yourself as you can. So if that means moving them closer then so be it.
KarenKB Jan 2021
Hi Joann,
Thank you for your insightful wisdom and thoughts. My parents are deceased and these grandparents raised me so I know their ice cream routines, etc. like the back of my hand. My grandpa is very tired. The doctor highly suggests he get more rest. She pushes and pushes him. I could go on and on..... there are so many layers to our personal cake as to why AL isn't the best option at this juncture. I'm hiring around the clock help to be in the home, however. Thanks again....
Grandma1954 Jan 2021
You have a few option most are not ideal.
* You can seek Guardianship. Grandma is unable to properly care for him. This might be difficult to prove in court. If she has done anything that caused him harm if you can get a doctor to confirm it that might help. Once you have Guardianship you can place him in Memory Care.
* You can wait. Wait for some event that will bring him to the hospital. At that point you can say that Grandma can not care for him and you can not remain there to care for him. That to send him home would be an Unsafe discharge. Discuss with the hospital Social Worker the options.
* Contact your local Area Agency on Aging and find out what help is available. Possibly a report to Adult Protective Services. the State also has a way to report Elder Abuse. (If grandma is not properly caring for him that is abuse)

You are great for doing this but you need to return to your family. They are your priority. Are there any other family members that can step in and help? Do grandma and grandpa have living children, other grandchildren that can step in?
Your feelings of "my mind is catching dementia..." and "my mind is out of fuel" are signs of caregiver burnout and you need to take care of yourself.
KarenKB Jan 2021
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate that. My parents are both deceased and these grandparents raised me so they're much like my parents. I am going home tomorrow...surprising my family. :) I have one uncle who lives in New Orleans. We take turns flying up for 10 day sessions....but my uncle can't come for a week or two right now as he owns a large business. However, I'm increasing hours for our in home caregiver so I pray my sweet gpa stays safe until I'm back again. Thank you. <3
funkygrandma59 Jan 2021
First I have to say, what a sweet granddaughter you are to try and help your grandfather. He is blessed to have you there for sure. But(and there's a BIG but), your family back in Arizona needs you too. They must be your number one priority. Your grandparents situation is now past the point of no return. Your grandmother obviously cannot properly care for your grandfather, nor keep him safe any longer in their home. And as hard as it is to hear, it is time for your grandfather to be placed in a memory care facility, where he will be kept safe, and receive the 24/7 care he needs and deserves. At this point bringing in outside help is no longer an option, as you say, your grandmother will only send them away. You deserve to have peace of mind, knowing your grandfather is safe and well taken care of, when you are back in Arizona with your family, and that just won't be the case if he is left in their home. Time to get the rest of the family involved in getting him placed ASAP. Wishing you the very best.
KarenKB Jan 2021
Hi there,

Thank you for your thoughts and words. Sadly, our family is a family of 4. My parents are deceased and my uncle who lives in New Orleans and I are balancing all of this. I am increasing in home care for now (she likes the in homecare giver, not the nurses, etc..... but in home caregiver is incredible and gpa likes her a lot.) Appreciate all of your thoughts. <3
Daughterof1930 Jan 2021
Your grandmother isn’t capable of change or of adequate and compassionate caregiving. You have a life and family far away that need your attention, not to mention your own self care, don’t overlook that. You’ve been great to attempt to manage this long distance but you have to know this isn’t sustainable. Your grandfather needs more care than you can manage in his home, even hiring extra caregivers won’t work in this scenario as your grandmother will drive them away. The wandering is very dangerous. Please do your best to get him into memory care. This won’t be easy, I wish you luck and peace
KarenKB Jan 2021
Thank you <3
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2021
I am so sorry that your grandmother treats you that way. Has she always been that way?

Maybe caregiving is too much for her to deal with. She is a senior herself.

Of course, your grandfather deserves the very best of care and it’s sweet of you to help.

The fact is though, he needs full time caregiving and you live far away.

Have you considered placing him in a suitable facility? He will get proper care and you and your grandmother can rest.

You can still visit him without the responsibility of the hands on caregiving.

Wishing you all the best.

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