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margaret55 Asked March 2020

Sucking the life out of me. When is it time for a Nursing Home?

I’m sorry to post this, since so many have it so much harder. My mother is 81 and she sits in front of a tv all day, just the sound makes me crazy! She showers herself sometimes she needs to coaxed, she uses the toilet but dripples a lot and doesn’t smell the urine. Her sheets smell like urine and I try and change them 2 times a week but she won’t let me, she lies and says she took a small walk but it’s for 2 minutes!! She can fix small meals when she wants to but won’t grocery shop , I work 12 hours nights 3 days a week, I’m a nurse. My sister lives with us and helps on the weekends, during the week she works day shift 4 days a week comes home and drinks beer in her room and shuts the door! I have a 4 year old granddaughter and a new granddaughter on the way in April. I try and take her with me to my daughters but it’s getting so busy and all she wants is something to eat. She doesn’t try to do anything and her mind is somewhat sharp, she does have frontal ischemic infarcts that are old. I’m getting so angry at her I’ve been doing this for 5 years and have become depressed and have no excitement for life anymore, my brother will pick her up once every few months for a day, no other family around. she has no friends I took her to a adult daycare and she hated it and refused to go back. I threaten to put her in a nursing home and she says go ahead because she can’t understand what she’s doing wrong, she thinks it’s normal to watch TV day and she’s not hurting anyone. Nursing homes are too expensive she only gets social security. Am I wrong feeling like this?  I literally feel the life getting sucked out of me. I do yoga, meet with friends once a week . When is it time for a Nursing Home? Thank you for listening to me.

margaret55 Mar 2020
Thank you! Sometimes validation helps to know I’m not crazy and crabby!

gladimhere Mar 2020
It doesn't sound like she would be eligible for a nursing home. You need to get your life back, for sure.

Check into availability of section 8 elderly housing for her.
http://www.wpbha.org
margaret55 Mar 2020
Thank you

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anonymous775364 Mar 2020
There does come a time and her physician may advise. You have to take care of yourself as well.

MammaDrama Mar 2020
If your mom is mobile and and her mind is somewhat sharp but needs help with some ADLs it doesn't sound like she is ready for a nursing home. If she sits in front of the tv all day she isn't doing herself any favors but, but based on what you wrote, she doesn't sound like she is a huge handful to manage either, relatively speaking of course.
You aren't wrong to feel the way you do. You need a break and more of a life for yourself. It may be up to you to start stepping away and either letting someone else step up, or the chips to fall where they may.
With that being said, it doesn't hurt to start exploring your options in terms of placing her. Talking to her Dr or a social worker is a good place to start.

NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
I think you answered your own question. Clearly your quality of life is in the toilet so I would say now is the time to speak to her doctor and social worker to start preparing for a way to place your mom.

Of course, you’re exhausted. It’s not easy being a primary caregiver.

Vent anytime. Many of us have been in your shoes or still going through it.

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