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angelb22 Asked March 2020

Mother-in-law moved in with us 8 mos ago, my sister-in-Law refuses to help by taking her so I can rest, have time for me and my family. Advice?

My sister-in-law was suppose to take my mother-in-law 8 months ago when she returned from her vacation, as I were told mom could no long be left alone. We had agreed I would take care of mom while she went on vacation, when she returned she would take mom so we could take our vacation. When she returned she refused to take mom, we would have been happy with the weekend. 8 months later and sister-in-law still refuses to take mom so my husband and I can take a Break. However she wants to visit when ever it fits into her schedule. She refuses to foIlow moms schedule as I have mom on a schedule. She will show up at 1pm and leave between 7pm to 10pm. She doesn't help when she is around she even undermines me. example: mom needs to use a walker as she falls, sister-in-law came in and said what's this, I explained moms walker we have a therapist coming in to help her with her walking but she doesn't like to use it. Sister-in-laws reply, looking at mom, "I don't blame you I wouldn't use it either". After sister-in-law leaves or if mom knows shes comjjng to visit mom becomes very agitated and wont sleep and get real confused. I stopped telling mom when she was coming as someti mes she doesnt show and it helps with the night before her visit. Every time my husband or I requests my sister-in-law take mom, she attacks my husband and I verbally, and then of course she doesn't set anything up to take mom. But she wants me handling everything for mom and I do mean everything. I dont want her at my home any more as she really insulated my husband and I cant take it any more. I have done everything to keep the peace and make sure she could see her mom, but enough is enough! Can I make her pick mom up at the park and give her a time schedule like 12pm to 3:30pm? Mom/we have dinner between 4:00 and 4:30, meds by 6:00 and then bath and getting ready for quite time to relax her for bed. (We are up by 4am daily) sometimes mom doesn't sleep at all so I am up all night and day with her. Mom has stage 5 Alzheimer's and sister-in-law ignored all the signs until I received a call from our local police department, they tried getting a hold of sister-in-law after 5 calls with messages they called me, So my husband and I picked her up and took her to get evaluated. My husband and I both thought sister was the one appointed as power of attorney as she acted like she was, to find out she doesn't have power of attorney and just wants to be in control! Even told us we have to cover all probate taxes when mom passes as we wouldn't allow her to take mom to attorney to have will/estate paper work done as we had already been told mom could not make decisions for herself! Any ideas or feed back help!

Grandma1954 Mar 2020
When you can't change others around you the only option is to change your expectations.
Accept the fact that SIL will not help.
Now that we have that established you have options.
MIL can pay for caregivers to come in and help out.
You can begin looking for Memory Care facilities to place MIL
If it is not already this will be a 24/7/365 job and you will need the help of caregivers.
If MIL has the funds you begin using the funds for her care. That is providing caregivers when necessary. Once the funds begin running low application for Medicaid is next. Save all the receipts for caregiving expenses and any other expenses that are incurred. (You can probably "charge" her a portion of the household expenses as well. You really should consult an Elder Care Attorney to make sure there will be no problems when it comes time to apply for Medicaid if that is a possibility)

Back to the caregivers. I suggest at minimum 1 day a week for at least 6 hours, better if you can do 2 days a week.
Also if there is Adult Day Care in your area if she can attend it would be a break for you as well as for her.
angelb22 Mar 2020
Thank you so much, I will take your advice and run with it!

Thank you
CTTN55 Mar 2020
"she deserves to be cared for and loved by family!"

At the expense of your health and wellbeing? You wrote that sometimes you get no sleep. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Do you know that 30 - 40% of caregivers of elders with dementia/Alzheimer's die before the elder they are caring for?
angelb22 Mar 2020
Yes so very aware, that is what frustrates me about Sil, has no care for my Mil, hubby or me! Sounds like a very comment issue with families! I have tried to do the right thing for mil, but shouldn't expect siblings from husband side to care or help!

Thank you so much for you input! So appreciate the help.❤

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Lvnsm1826 Mar 2020
It's difficult when others don't want to help. But we can't force them. The other options are, either have a professional caregiver help mom, or Assisted Living.
I wish you all the best
(((Big hug)))

AlvaDeer Mar 2020
We can safely assume SIL is not going to help. That much is clear. Think it is time to realize that you cannot do this on your own at home, and to consider some sort of placement. Go first to a Lawyer to see what kind of guardianship or paperwork needs to be done legally. Pretend that SIL doesn't exist. Get your evaluation papers together and see an elder law attorney to get paperwork started. Your mother's estate will cover this. I would not discuss this with Sister in Law. Then find as good a placement as you are able for Mom. Good luck. And if this is your husband's sister, then let your husband handle it. If she wishes full care of Mom, that perhaps is an option if Mom enjoys being with her. Family wars complicates things for an elder and makes them nervous and frightened. Try to keep it away from your Mom whenever possible.

angelb22 Mar 2020
I have started visiting memory care facilities near us, and found we can do respite (Believe that's what they are called) so we can have breaks as my health isn't great either and yes Sil knows about my health issues. It is costly however believe it will be well worth the cost for all three of us!
CTTN55 Mar 2020
Why not consider a facility for her. Can she become (or is she) Medicaid-eligible? What about your health? And what does your H do (it's HIS mom, after all)?
Countrymouse Mar 2020
Crikey, Angelb.

So for YEARS this has been a pattern, really?

You know what I'm left thinking, though. If you have any fondness left for your MIL at all, do you really want her in SIL's hands?

I mean I'm all for healthy boundaries, and I'm all for people refusing to accept responsibilities they're not prepared to fulfil. Fair enough. But SIL's approach seems to be based on selective uselessness, and that's not a very nice thing to do to your mother if your mother is still counting on you and you know she is.

And, so, I don't think you've said - what's DH view on all this?
angelb22 Mar 2020
He feels sister doesn't care for anyone but herself and wants to stop her visits all together he is completely done with her!
Countrymouse Mar 2020
Unwinding the tale...

This goes back many months to some time last year. Mother was living alone. SIL must have been registered somewhere or with someone as mother's emergency contact, because the local police department - who presumably found mother wandering? Or were called to attend the home? - tried five times to reach SIL before giving up and calling the OP's number instead.

So OP and DH go to scoop mother up from whatever disaster it was, and take mother for an evaluation, and are told - lo and behold - mother has galloping Alzheimer's.

SIL receives this news with acute concern, as demonstrated by her departing immediately on vacation.

Now it's this next bit that I'm stuck on.

"We had agreed I would take care of mom while she went on vacation, when she returned she would take mom so we could take our vacation. When she returned she refused to take mom..."

When you say "we had agreed" etc. How exactly did SIL express her agreement with that plan? What exactly did she agree to?

Bigger problem: so it has emerged, has it, that nobody has POA for mother? And mother still owns a house that she cannot live in again? You and DH are correct that mother cannot now create a power of attorney; so you'd better take advice on what to do.

Mother will need her finances and her assets managed and her future care planned whatever happens next, and you'd have thought it better for mother that DH steps up for this role than a daughter who is taking the laissez-faire approach perhaps a little too far.
angelb22 Mar 2020
OKay, mom lived alone, sister was there at least twice a month and more, she would take mom to family functions etc, gave me and my husband the impression she had power of attorney by things she would say. When ever mom had an emergency or needed help sister always called us to handle. Mom got into a car accident in nov 2015, while I had a cancer scare and was shaving test the same day. Mom called sister, sister called my husband said we needed to pick up mom, accident happened several hours before sister called us, as soon as my tests were done, we set out to find mom walking home from the shop where her car was towed into, she had walked about 5 miles when we found her. She said I thought sister was coming, we told her she called us to find you. Mom seemed confused. had only been in the relationship for 1 year at this time, didn't know mom to well, but I would help with her when I was needed. Started telling sister mom seemed to me like she had dementia or something was going on as she seemed to forget what she was talking about or what she was doing, repeated a lot and seemed confused, this was in 2016, when I was taking mom back and forth to hospital to see sister durning and after knee surgery. We only swooped mom up at police department as when I called sister after the call from police she said I seen the call but didn't answer and ignored the voice mails, I explained that mom was at the police department and if we didn't pick her up soon they were going to put as 5150 hold on her, sister's reply was who has her car? I said I have no idea mom concern with mom! Mom drove her self to police department she having hullsionation that men were in her home. She had been telling sister this for the past three years and started telling me, not counting falls etc that happened in front of sister that sister would tell me. That's why we swooped her up, couldn't let her be put on a 5150 hold. She deserved mom then that. We took her to the hospital as promised to the police, at 4pm called sister right away, she showed up at 9:30pm. Mom was treated and found to have a uti, sister was given prescriptions and left the hospital at 10:30pm, took mom home and dropped her off and told me that she didn't fill her prescription and that she left all the follow-up information except for the follow up with a mental health care physician. The neddt morning I went over and had the prescriptions filled, picked her up some food as she had none. Stayed with mom as she was scared to be left a lone, 3 days later sister still hadn't reached out for follow-up, so asked sister if she wanted me to do it, she said yes. I set up and took mom to see doctor was told mom couldn't be left alone as she has dementia and it's not safe for her to be by herself. I called sister and told her what they said. Explained to sister via text I need to go home as I had nu y 4yr old grandson with me. She said well I am going to the river on vacation I can't take her or stay with her. I said well if you will come stay with her tonight I will take care of her until you get back and then we can go on a vacation as we are all going to need to help care for mom. Sister by texted said she would take mom from us as soon as she returned, it never happened she refused to take her to this date, she refuses to help in any way with mom. This is just a very small amount of info!
CTTN55 Mar 2020
Where did MIL live before SIL went on vacation 8 months ago? Was she living by herself?

Why are you the one who has to take care of her 24/7? What does your H (her son) do? What kinds of caregiving duties do you have to do?

So who has POA/HCPOA?

What is MIL's financial situation? Could she qualify for Medicaid?

What about a facility? Don't listen to any blowback from SIL or your H even about how they can't "put Mama in a nursing home." THEY aren't taking care of her now; YOU are.

I am wondering if SIL has been taking $ from MIL...what do you think? She's already been shown to be a liar when she said she'd take MIL when she got back from vacation 8 months ago.
angelb22 Mar 2020
Mom was living a lone. My husband works, and helps with mom after work and on weekends, I started handling her finances!
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
booklover.

I’m sorry. I can empathize. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home and several years before that when she was still in her home without help from my siblings. It was physically and emotionally exhausting.

I burned out. I did tell mom to leave. She is now with my brother and sister in law. Mom has Parkinson’s disease. She did not want to go to a facility and caring for her as her disease progressed was so hard. I have PTSD too.

The memories are very difficult to deal with, even though I have been in therapy. All I want is peace. I do feel relief since the burden of caregiving is gone.

My relationship with mom became so strained. I never had a great relationship with my siblings before and now it is non existent due to various issues. I have only spoken to mom briefly on the phone a couple of times. I have had to protect myself emotionally.

I hope you heal from your past and that I do too. I feel we will always have scars but we must do our best to move forward in our lives.

Take care 💗.

bookluvr Mar 2020
When I first found this website, I was coming at your point of view. I have 7 siblings. I and my dad were mom's caregivers for at least 20 years. I was angry and bitter against my sibs. Reading threads after threads here, and I had to learn that my siblings don't 'have' to help our parents. No one forced me (uhm, except for my religious beliefs, culture) to stay and take care of them...

It's very important that you and hubby come to accept this with regards to SIL (sis-in-law). Once you accept this, it will empower you both to take back your home and authority over it. When my SIL told me and fave sis that we should lock up our mom in the bedroom, sis yelled at her for suggesting it. Brother kicked us out of his house.

If you think it's difficult now, I promise you it's going to be soooo much worse as the years go by. Your home is going to become like a prison, where neither one of you wants to go home to do the caregiving. When my mom started showing signs of dementia, my dad was able to get social workers and even consultation with a doctor who helped explained to us what was ahead of us. They helped us get meals-on-wheels for mom, weekly visits from a gov't sponsored caregiver program (3 hours a week) so that the caregiver can go and do some me-time like shopping or the movies, etc...

P.S.. I almost couldn't answer here. It brought up memories and I started hyperventilating. Left this thread but came back because I felt compelled to answer... I think I'm having PTSD.. Hope you and hubby can avoid this...

NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
I wholeheartedly agree with countrymouse. Your sister in law isn’t going to care for her or help you out. It would be nice if you could share responsibilities. Usually does not work out that way.

Why do you let this woman into your home? She is rude to undermine you. She is rude to your husband. Don’t allow her to come back. If she wants to see her mom she can pick her up and bring her to her home.

Have you considered a facility for your mother in law? Sounds like it is becoming too hard to care for her.
angelb22 Mar 2020
Thank you for your advise, I was only doing it for mom, I care deeply for her as this isnt her fault. As far as sister-in-law is concerned I am done!
Countrymouse Mar 2020
Your SIL is not going to take care of her mother.

I think you might find that if SIL were to come here and post "my brother and his wife are trying to make me take care of my mother" she would have substantial support for her point of view. You and your husband can't make SIL do anything if she doesn't choose to.

But that cuts both ways. Your SIL is NOT in charge of what you and your husband decide YOU will do.

What other options for MIL's care are you considering?
angelb22 Mar 2020
Countrymouse we are not trying to make her take care of mom, we have justed asked SIL for help with caring for mom, we have given up now as I said SiL just becomes mean and hateful to us and undermines all the good I am trying to do for moms health and safety. At this point she is no longerr welcome in my home as I don't owe her that! I will not stop her from seeing her so I will have her meet us some place else and put moms safety and health 1st!

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