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Nad1977 Asked January 2020

I have 3 brothers, but none of them really help with mom. Any advice?

Hi..to say I am fuming is really an understatment..my mom has cancer and seems like I am the only one who runs around the doctors, pharmacies, organasing nurses, and generally taking care of mom. I don't mind at all, I gave up good job and travelled 3000 km to be with her and take care of her. Now here back home. I feel like I am the only one doing everything and financially too. Older brother comes, spends 30 min and goes back to his life until next Friday when he comes again. He never once offered any assistance, but always trying to 'teach me.' I am a polite person, so never respond...his kids never visit their grandmother. I do feel there must be such a disrespect to her. While I work full time, provide on all levels to my mom, they live their lives with no worries and go on holidays every 3 months. I feel so hurt inside, they say they care deeply, but I don't see it. I even tried to talk to them, but then they make me look like I am the wrong one. Any advice...many thanks

Mkrace Jan 2020
Google Caregivers Agreement for caring for elderly parent. There is an example of a agreement document where you lay the expectations and financial obligations caring for you mom. I have five brothers so I get what you are going through. Let the document lead the conversation by filling in the blanks. Then you all sign it. It’s important to do this usually before we take on the caregiving role but that not always possible. Good luck. If they can’t give their time and support. Then fair value cost of your services should be paid back to you

CaregiverL Jan 2020
I hope you have POA & Health proxy. Make sure her Will is up to date...with provisions made for YOU, her Caregiver. Brothers get nothing. Get it done by Elder law Atty. Because brothers offer no help & only criticism, protect yourself.....when they all of a sudden show up asking for their share of assets when Mom passes...
Hugs 🤗

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Nurturbynature Jan 2020
Nad1977
I feel and understand your pain. I too have one brother who lives 10 hours away and has an irritating clueless about him. While I don't expect him to visit on a regular due to the distance, I did expect him to touch base on regular to be informed. I'm the sole care giver and will not do all of the updating. If you wanna know call, it the least you could do.

My brother is also henpecked and can't seem to do anything unless his controlling wife instructs him. So the less he/they visit the better.

Sorry you're feeling this way, but you have to accept that you can't change other people, just the way you respond and let them affect you.

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