Follow
Share

I spent two years living with my parents to nurse my father back to health. My sister made excuses to get out of it by saying she was ill and then her husband was ill. This was a lie. When my mother got ill after my father died we agreed to alternate days. I was ADAMANT that I would help out but would not move back full time. Seven months later, my sister faked a back injury. When that ran thin, she moved onto stomach issues and refuses to come back. How do you force someone to accept responsibility without starting a war?

Find Care & Housing
Don’t waste your time being upset with your sister. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. She should’nt have to make up excuses. She’s not a resource. Accept that your mom needs more help than you can offer. Call your Area Agency on Aging and find out what your mom is eligble for.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report
LynninIowa Jan 28, 2020
simply put and oh ,so good !
(1)
Report
You can’t and you don’t. It’s time to make other arrangements for mom. Neither of us obligated to run yourself in to ground taking care of her. Your sister is allowed to change her mind and put herself and her husband first. It’s time to make other arrangements for your mom.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to worriedinCali
Report

The short answer is that you can’t force her. I’m so sorry. Would you want someone who isn’t interested caring for her? It would never work out.

Best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

Basically, you cannot.  (I am assuming that you do not have some kind of legally enforceable contract here.) So, sis does not want to come back.  I say good for her since she is putting boundaries in place.  Now, you need to go from there.  What are you willing to do here? You have the right to set boundaries too.  So what is mom's situation? Does she need to downsize a house, go into assisted living, a nursing home, what?? Can you get an assessment of her realistic care needs, financial situation and decide what options mom has? You and your sister have to honestly decide what you are willing to do. YOUR DECISION, not mom's. I'll be blunt here - her preferences do not come first. Since you must provide the labor, your boundaries come first, and so do your sister's.  I'm just guessing here, but I think mom wants things to continue as they have but both your sister and you are not willing to do this.  That is OK!! Now mom has to make other plans, hopefully with all of you on board. But harassing your sister seems to be a waste of time that could be better spent moving forward.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to rovana
Report

You have no choice but to make other arrangements since your sister refuses to return, and won't help.  You can't continue (nor should you!), and your sister has proven to be unreliable.  You have to get this off of you or it will remain the same or worse. 

Can Mom afford a full time caregiver, live in, or assisted living at some level?  Does she have a home you can sell or any assets to help pay for assisted living or whatever level of care she needs?  Those are the calls and decisions you need to be making right away.  If it's a care facility, line up some to visit, and make the best choice. 

Since you've been left in charge, you find the best care and choice for mother.  Present what you find to mother, and tell sister what your decision is.  Your sister has removed herself from decision making by not being reliable despite her promise.  Let mother know you can't do this any longer, so these changes have to be made so she can get the best care and be safe. 

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to lilhelp
Report

So have you moved in full-time, despite insisting that you wouldn't?

What has changed since your other thread in early October?

Why do you allow this to be all on you? What does your mother say? Does she recognize the unfair toll this is taking on you?

Do you have POA/HCPOA? What are her needs? What are her finances? Could living in a facility be a possibility?
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to CTTN55
Report

You cant....,sounds like its time to make arrangements for your mom to be placed appropriately. You are only responsible for what you do, not your sister. So make the decisions that need to be made for your mothers best interest so she is safe and cared for. Blessings to you
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to cherokeegrrl54
Report

Your situation is not sustainable any longer. Mom will get worse overtime. My brother energetically started to visit my mom twice a day to test sugars and give insulin injections. This lasted about a week before reality set in. Your sister and your realities are not on the same page. It sounds like you and your sister need to discuss new options and start hiring out.
Rremember this...you cannot force someone ( sister ) to do something without her permission. Likewise you cannot constantly be mom's life, which you are trying to do
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MACinCT
Report

You just can't. All you can do is control your own reaction. You will never be able to control her behavior or be successful at getting her to do something she does not want to do.

I am sure the daily responsibility is draining on you. What sort of care does mom need? Is it really daily? Think about hiring a companion, on mom's dime, for the times when you cannot do this. You need a break. Perhaps mom would do well in assisted living, then you can visit when you want as a daughter, not a caregiver.

I see you asked a similar question back in October. Review the answers you got there. Responses are going to be the same here.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-can-i-cope-with-two-sisters-who-are-ditching-their-responsibilities-and-have-left-me-holding-eve-452812.htm?orderby=oldest
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to gladimhere
Report

I’m sorry to hear of your troubling issues. My honest opinion is that there’s nothing you can do unfortunately. You can do all you can do and later will feel good about it. Your sister in the other hand will have to live with her absences when the guilt comes later. I’m facing similar with my sister. She wasn’t there for the past 8 years, we just list our mom in November and now she’s having issues due to her absence. Me, I was here and feel good knowing I did my part and then some.
My suggestion is to do for you and your loved one because that’s all that matters now and all that will matter later. Time and life straining, absolutely. But it will all work out as it is supposed to and this difficult time too shall pass. I promise you though that after it’s over it will be you feeling strong that you were there every step of the way. Bless you for being there for tour loved one. My thoughts are with you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to COMTNGIRL
Report

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter