How can I cope with two sisters who are ditching their responsibilities and have left me holding everything together without going crazy?

I wonder if the possibility that neither you nor your sisters should be trying to do this important job for your mother has occurred to you?

You all three of you have other commitments and responsibilities and different capabilities. Focus on your mother's needs, consult her doctor and health care team about what resources and services might be found for her; and then you three daughters *supplement* that professional support by... being her daughters.

All of the drama and conflict is the result of trying to share a task that is probably too much for one person at a time anyway. Get help, and it should take most of the stress away.

I commend you for your loving concern for you mom (and your heroic efforts with both parents in the past). But I agree with Countrymouse below about stepping back and seeing that the current situation is beyond what your 2 sisters are willing to participate in. You can't make them and they probably agreed to it before they realized it was just getting more and more intense. Now they see what you don't see. Are they in the wrong for not being honest with you? Yes. Let that go. Consider that your mom will get better professional care in a reputable care facility. Please read the thousands of posts on this forum by well-meaning adult children with total caregiver burnout and what it's done to their lives. May you have clarity about what's really best for your mom, you and your family. Blessings!

Both sisters resent doing more. You have not gone home in 13 days. You fear your sisters running away like they have done in the past. I can’t take it anymore. You truly hate your older sister. (These are YOUR words.)

Did you hate your sister before this caregiving role dominated your life? Or is it this situation that is tearing your relationship with your sisters apart? Who is taking care of your home if you haven’t been there in 13 days?

This is past a coping solution, it is more than what you can handle. There are decent nursing home facilities out there. Or, since your mom is very ill, does she qualify for an inpatient hospice facility?

You probably came here to find out ways to make your sisters do their share. Our responses are probably going to surprise you (and maybe make you unhappy). Rather than making them do MORE, we (most of us?) are encouraging YOU to do LESS.

It's time to place your mother in a facility.

Did YOU decide that the three of you would have to take care of your mother? You can't make decisions for what OTHERS will do.

Why does mom need someone in home 7x24? Why does it have to be you or your sisters? I don't mean to be cruel - I went through that with my dad. Only it was my wonderful stepmom that nearly died after seven years of it - and I would relieve her on weekends. Full time job, family, home of  my own. It burns you out. He refused to have anyone else in and she would listen to him (tired of fighting) and he received substandard care from the two of use BECAUSE HE REALLY NEEDED A HIGHER LEVEL OF CARE THAN WE COULD PERFORM.

Your mom might need to be in a nursing home if she requires this much care.

Your sisters DO NOT have to provide any more care than they are willing to. If there is a gap - it is time for the professionals. Call mom's doctor. Call the Area Association on Aging for assessment and bring in caregivers WITH MOM's MONEY or have her placed.

You have expectations of yourself and your sisters that are clearly not sustainable - make changes of your choice now, before a change is forced on you (you get sick, your mom does, etc)

We kept my dad at home far too long.

I think that the time for a village has come.

I don't believe that any person should remain in a home setting when they require 24/7 care. It is unrealistic for 1 person to do that. Shifts are required, because quite frankly, 1 person should not sacrifice their wellbeing to another for the rest of that person's life. It is an unfair expectation to place on anyone.

Call her doctor and get a needs assessment done, they may refer you for this, so tell them when you make the appointment what you are looking for.

Find a lovely facility that can meet her needs. Figure out the finances, get Medicaid application started if she doesn't have any money or assets. Then move her and start being her daughter again.

If your sister's squawk make it very clear that you are not able to do this any longer and they will need to step up and take over her care 100%. If they are unable to do that, then mom is being placed where her needs can be met.

I wouldn't want my children to give up their lives so I can stay at a location, because that's all a house is. I would want them to come visit me where we can have a nice visit because someone else is doing the work of keeping me safe, fed, clean and as entertained as I want to be.

I hope that you find a lovely place for your mom and you can find a path to mend the relationships between your sisters.

Place your mother in a facility, the time has come, anyone who requires 24/7 care is IMO beyond home care.

Your sisters are not going to step up to the plate, so forget about that.

Do what is best form you and your mother.

I will repeat what has been said. Neither you nor your sisters are required to spend your time looking after your mother. You can decide how much you will do, but you do not get to tell your sisters how much they have to do.

There are always other options for Mum's care.

The problem here isn’t 2 sisters ditching their responsibilities. Harsh as it sounds, it is no one’s responsibility to sacrifice their life so that their elder parent can remain home & not have to give up their lifestyle.

The problem here is that your mother needs more care than you 3 can collectively provide. It’s time to either a few full time caregivers or place your mom in a skilled nursing facility or possibly assisted living if she can still perform her ADLs and doesn’t really require skilled care. It’s not something most people actually want to do but it’s something many HAVE to do. Your mom requires a village now.

If your mom has money, you might want to mention her WILL to sisters. Money seems to talk when nothing else does. The ones who do little will often be first in line to get " what's coming to them."
If your mom is very ill, you should call in Hospice. They can help at home but also can help with nursing home as well.

I think that you can do nothing about the sisters. I think that you may have to realize that the care is on you, and there is no predictable help for you. That leaves you with placement I am afraid. I can't see another way out.
Why not call the sisters together with you now and tell them that without predictable schedules help (barring illness of course) you cannot go on. That you don't fault them or hold them in any way responsible, but that you cannot go on.
You are honestly in a position much like mine. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE to help me with whatever choices I make now as regards my bro. That is one reason, but only one of why I cannot do hands on care.
I hope you will speak with the sisters now. Then understand the limitations that we ALL HAVE as human beings, and decide if it is not time for placement for your Mom, and you sisters visiting when you are able.
So sorry for your pain.

Oh boy, this is so familiar to so many on this site. I was you. I had my mom live with me for nearly 15 years in my home. My siblings did not help. I can empathize. It stinks doing everything alone! I am truly sorry that you are going through this struggle.

Please just hear me out. Not because I know everything. I certainly don’t. No one does. All I can tell you that I burned out. Everyone who has said to you that this is ‘more than a one person job’ has said a mouthful and more. It’s true and obviously you know it or wouldn’t be reaching out on this site.

Plus you have a full time job! Caregiving is a full time job and you work outside the home to support yourself on top of it! Wow!

Stop expecting or even asking for your siblings to all of a sudden show a ‘change of heart.’ You know they won’t. They are going to do what they are going to do. You have no influence on them. No one has the power to change others.

As long as you are in the middle of this you will be blinded by it. Take it from me when I tell you that I was blind, deaf and mute in my circumstances while trying to ‘do it all.’ Don’t believe me? Ask anyone on this site what a hot mess I was. They can tell you.

Sounds like your sibs are like mine, not only do they not help but criticize what we did, some nerve in my opinion. That is unmitigated gall, right?

Well, I reached a breaking point and if you keep going like this you will too. Unfortunately, my mom liked to pit us against each other which only complicated things. They saw her as a ‘sweet frail old lady.’ Yeah, of course they did. The only time they were in her life was for a hot meal or a check or money in their hands.

I was the one who did everything, did all of the heavy lifting and caught the brunt of it all. They are old fashioned and they felt that it was my place as the only daughter.

I couldn’t take anymore and told mom to stay with my brother until they can place her somewhere. I told my brother that if he felt he could do better than to bring her home with them. My gosh, it can become so ugly.

I detest conflict. All my life I wanted peace and harmony. It’s why I climbed up into my huge old live oak tree in my backyard as a kid and just watch the clouds go by and dream about being happy.

Well, now that I am free from my caregiving responsibilities I can finally see how blind I was, how trapped I was, etc. Oh others tried telling me. I guess I wasn’t ready to hear it. I felt I had to please everyone and I was so miserable doing it.

Please step away long enough to reflect and get a healthy perspective on your situation.

In the end it’s your choice and I respect whatever you choose but without help it is nearly impossible to do what is best for everyone.

I wanted the happy ending with my mom and sibs. Doesn’t happen in all situations. I’m in therapy and learning to accept what is beyond my control.

Best wishes for you. I truly mean that. I am in no way judging or criticizing you. It’s all about balance. Get the balance back in your life.

My wonderful therapist told me many times, “Take your power back!”

Short answer is they will not help you with mom. My case is MIL moved in with us, 2 SIL 1 out of state the other 30 min drive. Neither can be counted on for help or assistance in any way shape or form unless it directly benefits THEM. They are willing to bark orders and demands at and to me but not willing to lend a hand. I am to the point with the one from out of state that I have blocked her and have not spoken directly to her in 2 months. Told DH she's his sister, his problem, not mine, my hands are full taking care of his mother and I don't have time for narcissistic people or stupidity. (She told me to buy MIL TV dinners cuz she likes them, showed her 1500mg sodium (MIL on low sodium 1400mg a day) told me to just give her 1/2 for lunch and the rest for supper 🤦‍♀️ really??? Are you that stupid? Other SIL (#2) I have a hard time trusting. Tries begging for money, doesn't come see mom unless there's something in it for her. Disregards dr orders and my orders (bring portable O2 machine with you and use if needed, left it in car every time and fried the catalyst in the columns, told me that if she craps out she craps out, she didn't feel like carrying it around🤯🤬) If mom can afford a nice AL it may be time for you to place her where she can receive 24x7 care, let you decompress a bit, and find some sort of balance between caring for mom and having a life. Is your mom a candidate for hospice? They will visit at AL and nursing homes for an added level of care. Some also have their own skilled nursing facilities. Their social workers are a great source of information. In home healthcare services are very expensive, looked into it and was not financially feasible for our situation, so I'm it. DH does what he can to help out around the house but there are things for her modesty and sense of self pride that I assist her with, on top of cooking (he was fired from that job 37 years ago and unless he's cooking by making a call it's not happening), meds, drs, hospice, etc. I really don't know how you can find the time to work full time and care for mom, either you are extremely organized or you are superwoman in disguise, or both. Use mom's money for her care, give yourself the gift of being there as her daughter and advocate.

Hello dear friend. I have been caring for my elderly mother for 8 to 10 years now totally solo without help from my selfish brother and his equally selfish wife. My 35 year old son lives a block away from us and helps out on his lunch break 3 or 4 times a week. I have a caregiver 4 hours once or twice a week. Catholic charities is an excellent resource when you have limited funds. I understand you don't want to place her in a facility. Nor do I as there have been many terrible scary reports that have surfaced in my area about several nursing homes. I can't bear the thiught of a nurses aid slapping or abusing my mother. Although many folks on this site recommend sending your loved one to AL. If your mother can still walk and use bath room by herself then that's half the battle. I'm in awe that you are able to work full time and care for your mom. Does someone come in while you are working or do you work the night shift? I have the same situation as you do. I resented and like you hated my brother for not helping his mother. I asked him if she could visit for 1 week and he won't even do that!! He visits once a year and stays for 3 hours and is gone for another year. I attend an Emotions Anonymous group that teaches you to cope with unsolved circumstances. I have to do this every Tuesday to regain serenity and acceptance of my situation. Soon i will meet with others who are caring for a loved one. Hopefully sharing our stories will give me the will to keep going. Please don't allow yourself to burnout. I ended up in a mental behavior ward for 7 days. It's a growing epidemic according to my psych doctor. As others have have already stated and it's true that you can forget about your sisters helping you like you wish they would. I gave up on my brother and i feel more at peace within. So God bless you in whatever you decide to do.

I had two sisters who left me to cope, but they weren’t ‘ditching their responsibilities’ - they both lived a very long way away and simply couldn’t be there. The result is the same without the anger. You have been left with the decisions and the work, you must decide how to get the help that you and your mother need, for your sake as well as your mother’s. Go and look at some facilities yourself - don't assume it's impossible in your case, and don't rely on the sensational horror stories about problems.

Probably over time you will come to accept and/or adjust to your sister's sad lack of involvement. It happens sadly too often...and sometimes it is siblings not even being close, i.e. they are far away, out of town, so one kid is "the one." It took me a long time (years) to accept it. I try to keep things civil with my sister who knows all that I do (who else can/would do it?). Truth is I do really miss my sister.
The point is, you need to think of yourself as alone in dealing with this and explore every possibility of getting help for your mom and yourself. You don't have to communicate with your sisters or accept calls even. It's not worth expending your energy. I am constantly learning.
Do yourself a favor and invest some time in checking into what local resources are available. Depending on your mom's illness, she may be eligible for hospice. Your local office on aging may be of help and you may be able to be linked so you get more care. There also is a caregiver support respite program which your local Area Agency on Aging should know about.
I really hate that martyr BS line...so typical of those who can't or won't help. The "well, I would have but it wouldn't have been good enough/you wouldn't have like it" etc.