Follow
Share

So my mom has Stage IV breast cancer that spread to her hip in 2020. She had a fall earlier this year, and they found fluid in her lung caused by cancer during the X-rays/CAT scans. She also has unrelated digestive issues.
When she first saw her oncologist after the fall, she couldn’t walk and had an arm in a cast, so her doctor put her on fulvestrant and said she’d maybe put her on other medications as she grew stronger.
Mom sent PT away after 2 weeks.
She’s about to have her 4th thoracentesis since Jan., and called me up today saying she couldn’t breathe (I live hours away). She refused an ambulance, and her doc scheduled her for another thoracentesis.
I mentioned that it would be good to explore a drain so she wouldn’t have to keep getting the procedure done. I also mentioned going to her next oncologist appointment. My sibling usually takes her (they live with her), and my mom huffed about me going. My sibling - who apparently stayed up all night with her because she was having trouble breathing - said this was “as bad as the other times.”
I have set boundaries in the past regarding care (years ago, she wanted me to make a weekly six hour round trip to care for her in perpetuity, and I’ve previously limited visits in an effort to force a house cleaning after they refused the service I found).
long story short: my mom calls me when she is panicking, but it’s like she won’t do something just because I’ve suggested it. I don’t want her to stubborn herself into worse health, but I have no idea what to do.
has anyone dealt with this? My sibling is supposed to go on a two-week vacation next month. Usually Mom comes to stay with me, but I’m worried about her being so far away from her doctors (I live in a major city, so we could get to a hospital if needed).

Find Care & Housing
Only you know your mother to know if you give her an intonation if it could work
Im
it taking any more calls from you until you are reasonable because your refusal to look after yourself is causing me too much stress?
or
she's vulnerable - tell her if she doesn’t the law will deem her unfit and move her into a home so she needs to co operate with you and meet you half way
failing that agree with your sister she takes emergency calls and don’t take calls/turn phone off
failing that rather extreme measures
get your sister or doctor to talk to her
parents have a way of listening to others at times
I hope it sorts itself out fast
best
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Jenny10
Report

You have received a lot of excellent answers already, so I will just add my 2 cent's worth. Think hard about what you will do if you bring her to stay with you for the two weeks and something bad happens that makes it logistically impossible for her to return home. What will you do if she refuses to move into a care facility then? You might have to formally evict her, which would be awful for everyone. Respite care near her current residence is the best option (IMO as a person looking at it from the outside), and the next best option is that you go stay with her in her home for the two weeks, so that you can escape at the end of your stay. Please protect yourself so that you don’t end up with life-altering consequences as a result of your good deed. I think bringing her to your home is downright dangerous to YOU at this point.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to mom2mepil
Report

If you have no Financial or Medical POA, you can ask questions of the Doctor but he is not allowed to give you info if Mom does not allow it. You can tell him what is going on. I would write an email or send a fax before her next visit to the doctors office. In it tell tge Doctor that Mom and Brother are not being honest about Mom and her breathing. Is Mom terminal? If so, why not get Hospice in.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

How old is your mom? Why are you talking to her multiple times a day? You need solid boundaries. If your brother stays with her it's up to him, not you to find respite care. You are not respite care. You can't fix stubborn people and that is not your fault. Do not feel guilty that she is causing her own problems that you cannot fix.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JustAnon
Report

I would find a respite spot in a skilled nursing residence. I think she is probably too medically complex for an assisted living to accept her. And if she decompensates they WILL call 911 whether she likes it or not. For the sake of your burned out brother, do all the research and then you be the one to transport her the day before your brother leaves on vacation and then spend some time just with him in the house. Ask him what you can do while he’s gone to help besides being on call for your mom. And then pick her up when he gets home. Make it easy for him.

As for your mom, she probably doesn’t have long if she needs to have fluid drained so frequently and she probably does need to be in skilled nursing now. I’m sure they’ll both resist but placing her in respite care is a good first step without the threat of a permanent move. Make sure you are on her HIPAA forms so you can make medical decisions and talk to her doctors if she has a crisis while he is gone.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to ShirleyDot
Report

This sounds way too complicated to have her stay with you. Definitely set up respite care near where she currently is. Do it now so that your sibling can't accuse you of reneging at the last minute. Explanation is simple: Mom is uncooperative and defiant with me, and her issues are too serious and threatening for that dynamic to be happening for two weeks far away at this stage of her poor and continuously-declining health.

How are your sibling and family doing with this situation? Is your mother in their house, or are they in her house? Are they doing this voluntarily and willingly, or because of a guilt-trip? I wonder if they respite stay could serve as a transition to moving her to facility care. If so, take that into consideration when choosing a respite location to one that might be a long-term possibility.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to MG8522
Report
LongWays Apr 13, 2026
So my siblings splits his time between our mom’s house and his girlfriend’s. It’s the house we grew up in.

My mom had to stay in rehab for a few weeks because of her fall injuries, and it was…not great. The place actually said they’d never seen someone so against staying. No socializing, nothing.

My brother is extremely burnt out, but goes along with my mom? They were both acting like it “wasn’t as bad as before,” even though she couldn’t get a sentence out when she called. We had a case a few years back (the six-hour round trip issue) where she needed a rehab facility, and it was my mom and brother pushing against it.

I understand I am not physically there, so I can only say so much. I call her a few times a day, FaceTime, and do a lot of her logistical/administrative stuff, so I end up finding out more about what’s going on through MyChart.

She doesn’t want anyone in the home because it’s messy, and I arranged a cleaning service, but my brother and mom turned it down. I can’t really talk about it with my friends (she’s been ill for a while, and I don’t want to be a downer + they’ve never been caregivers). You all really helped me feel less alone before, so I turned here again.
(2)
Report
Fluid on the lung might be reducing her oxygen levels and she might be emporarily cognitively impaired. This situation just screams hospice but she needs to make her own decision. She might just die with her decisions. Do not feel guilty about this. Her disease is talking. Do not move her to you. Chasing after her medical records could be difficult.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MACinCT
Report

Have you considered respite care for the 2 weeks while your sibling is away? That’s exactly what it’s for! If she stays close to where she currently lives, she can probably keep her usual doctors and medical options.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
lealonnie1 Apr 13, 2026
Thats a good idea
(2)
Report
Thank you! I just felt crazy today and figured people on here may get it.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to LongWays
Report

If mom expects to stay with you for 2 weeks while your sibling goes on a well deserved vacation, then she's going to have to allow you into her medical world so you'll know what's going on. Imo, you should go with her to this doctor appointment so you can ask questions she's refusing to address. Then you will feel better about things, I would think. Speak frankly to mom and ask for her cooperation so you can both be on the same page.

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter