So my mom has Stage IV breast cancer that spread to her hip in 2020. She had a fall earlier this year, and they found fluid in her lung caused by cancer during the X-rays/CAT scans. She also has unrelated digestive issues.
When she first saw her oncologist after the fall, she couldn’t walk and had an arm in a cast, so her doctor put her on fulvestrant and said she’d maybe put her on other medications as she grew stronger.
Mom sent PT away after 2 weeks.
She’s about to have her 4th thoracentesis since Jan., and called me up today saying she couldn’t breathe (I live hours away). She refused an ambulance, and her doc scheduled her for another thoracentesis.
I mentioned that it would be good to explore a drain so she wouldn’t have to keep getting the procedure done. I also mentioned going to her next oncologist appointment. My sibling usually takes her (they live with her), and my mom huffed about me going. My sibling - who apparently stayed up all night with her because she was having trouble breathing - said this was “as bad as the other times.”
I have set boundaries in the past regarding care (years ago, she wanted me to make a weekly six hour round trip to care for her in perpetuity, and I’ve previously limited visits in an effort to force a house cleaning after they refused the service I found).
long story short: my mom calls me when she is panicking, but it’s like she won’t do something just because I’ve suggested it. I don’t want her to stubborn herself into worse health, but I have no idea what to do.
has anyone dealt with this? My sibling is supposed to go on a two-week vacation next month. Usually Mom comes to stay with me, but I’m worried about her being so far away from her doctors (I live in a major city, so we could get to a hospital if needed).
Im
it taking any more calls from you until you are reasonable because your refusal to look after yourself is causing me too much stress?
or
she's vulnerable - tell her if she doesn’t the law will deem her unfit and move her into a home so she needs to co operate with you and meet you half way
failing that agree with your sister she takes emergency calls and don’t take calls/turn phone off
failing that rather extreme measures
get your sister or doctor to talk to her
parents have a way of listening to others at times
I hope it sorts itself out fast
best
As for your mom, she probably doesn’t have long if she needs to have fluid drained so frequently and she probably does need to be in skilled nursing now. I’m sure they’ll both resist but placing her in respite care is a good first step without the threat of a permanent move. Make sure you are on her HIPAA forms so you can make medical decisions and talk to her doctors if she has a crisis while he is gone.
How are your sibling and family doing with this situation? Is your mother in their house, or are they in her house? Are they doing this voluntarily and willingly, or because of a guilt-trip? I wonder if they respite stay could serve as a transition to moving her to facility care. If so, take that into consideration when choosing a respite location to one that might be a long-term possibility.
My mom had to stay in rehab for a few weeks because of her fall injuries, and it was…not great. The place actually said they’d never seen someone so against staying. No socializing, nothing.
My brother is extremely burnt out, but goes along with my mom? They were both acting like it “wasn’t as bad as before,” even though she couldn’t get a sentence out when she called. We had a case a few years back (the six-hour round trip issue) where she needed a rehab facility, and it was my mom and brother pushing against it.
I understand I am not physically there, so I can only say so much. I call her a few times a day, FaceTime, and do a lot of her logistical/administrative stuff, so I end up finding out more about what’s going on through MyChart.
She doesn’t want anyone in the home because it’s messy, and I arranged a cleaning service, but my brother and mom turned it down. I can’t really talk about it with my friends (she’s been ill for a while, and I don’t want to be a downer + they’ve never been caregivers). You all really helped me feel less alone before, so I turned here again.
Best of luck to you.