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EssieMarie Asked November 2019

Why does my 94 year old mother with mild Dementia think only of herself acting as though my son and I should wait on her immediately?

Don't get me wrong. I usually don't mind cooking meals for my mother and ensuring she's comfortable, however, she abuses my son's and my good intentions. Is it because people with any stage of Dementia are all self serving? I always remember my mother inviting me over for breakfast and delicious dinners and I would reciprocate by cleaning the kitchen. I really miss those days. I'm almost 69 and have chronic pain in my lower back, knees, arms and shoulder. Lately with the onset of colder weather, I have been in much more pain as usual. This evening for example, I ordered a pizza in because my pain level was between a 9 and 10 and I could not cook. One hour later my mother complained she was still hungry. I became very irritated and begrudgingly heated up another slice of pizza for her. This sounds more simple than it is. She has actually made a habit of asking me to cook something else shortly after she has had dinner. I told her this evening I could not wait on her any more and that I was locking my bedroom door to go to sleep. I told her if she had an emergency I would help her immediately. To make a long story short, I've been very depressed these last few weeks and feel like doing very little. If I cook the meals I feel I've accomplished all I can for the day. Am I alone with this problem or is there anyone else whose waiting on a LO and in some sort of physical pain? Thank you in advance for your replies and God Bless you. We caregivers are doing one of the hardest jobs out there!

Sunnygirl1 Nov 2019
It's really sad, but, even though you are barely able to care for her, if she has dementia, she likely cannot appreciate it. Dementia even turns caring people into people who can't empathize at all. It's really sad, but, I learned to expect no appreciation or even recognition of help. Her demands probably don't seem odd to her. What I learned was to establish how things would go, rules of the house, gently enforce them, and lower my expectations of her. Be careful with your own health. I learned the hard way that all the overload of stress from caregiving solo can cause significant medical issues. It took me a year to recover. I'd explore options to get help.

NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Essie,

I can’t speak to the dementia issues. That changes everything. My mom had Parkinson’s disease without signs of dementia. It was a personality issue for my mom. She has always wanted things a certain way.

If they weren’t done that way, there was trouble. Parkinson’s can cause some emotional issues. I believe my mom suffers with depression but will not be forthcoming about it. Sure, some of it is situational depression.

Parkinson’s disease is life changing but the literature on Parkinson’s disease states that depression can occur. Dementia can be present too but not in every case.

You have a totally different situation. It is not of your mom’s choosing if her brain is altered by a disease like dementia.

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JoAnn29 Nov 2019
Dementia effects being able to reason, comprehend, have empathy, self centered, not able to process and this can start in the early stages. Mom may not really be hungry. She may forget she ate or if she took a pill.

You may not be able to care for her as the desease progresses. She will become incontinent and before that need help toileting. If she has money, u may want to find her a nice AL now. If not, ur looking at LTC with Medicaid paying the bill and Moms SS and/or pension helping to offset the cost.

Its going to be hard to set Boundries. You can tell ur son's when she abuses them they can walk away. Sometimes they will learn that their actions will not be tolerated. Explain that gma's brain is dying and not to take what she says or does to heart. This person is no longer the gma they knew. If she starts hitting this is a problem. She may need meds for this or checked for a UTI.

NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
I was the 24/7 365 caregiver to my mom. It wore me out. Now she is living with brother and SIL.

She always treated me differently than her sons. Women were supposed to be servers, more like slaves if you ask me! Men were to be waited on. Oh yeah, well I remember my daddy doing a lot for her. My dad was an involved father too, he helped feed us, changed diapers and so forth. He played with us. My all time favorite was flying a kite with daddy.

My mom was happiest when she saw me working non stop in the house. If she saw me sitting down after being busy with a cup of coffee or tea she would purposely find something for me to do. Never got to drink a hot cup of coffee.

She looked at me having a few minutes to myself as being lazy. So ridiculous!

Does your mom have this attitude? I do empathize with you. So sorry that you are dealing with having to attend to her when you aren’t feeling well.
anonymous912123 Nov 2019
You are correct, servitude, for women is the watchword. This mindset has gotten real old, I no longer subject myself to this mindset.
Lvnsm1826 Nov 2019
It's difficult. I think that since they are ill, they feel entitled for help. They are frustrated they can't do it them selves, so they demand others. Like my dad demanding i take him places.
I'm reading a book called "Coping with your difficult older parent"

Anyway, there needs to be boundaries for things to work.

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