I wish that you had given us more details about your team sport. However, it struck me as being self-centered and self-absorbed. You must value winning over the well-being of a team member. You may think my response is harsh, but I own a caregiving biz for memory loss. In far too many instances, I have seen friends distance themselves as the person's disease progressed. The absence of friends makes their decline worse. You might want to know that the only useful tools for fighting memory loss are socialization and memory loss. Thus if you decide to remove this person from your team, you have cut off the two avenues for fighting memory loss. I suggest you find another role for her, as others have suggested. If you decide to get rid of her, I wish you a guilty conscience and many losses for your team. Get over it!
Be compassionate. And if the team can also extend their understanding and be able to use her somehow, it will help all. One of the worse things that can happen to a person with ALZ is that their friends begin to distance themselves. It happened to my Mom and it was very hard for her; after playing cards once a week for many years with the same 3 'friends,' she was told she could not play any more and it really hurt her...not because she could not play, but because she felt betrayed and not wanted. Be kind. And do use this situation to bring others to kindness and understanding as well.
I agree that it might be helpful if we knew the type of activity your team competes in, however, basically my answer would probably be the same... The person with Dementia and their primary Care Provider (assume her husband, in this case) have a long and very difficult road ahead of them! Whatever you can do to ease their journey and especially to help preserve her dignity at all costs is the 'right' thing to do in this case. Brainstorm with your team mates some way (*any* way) she might still be able to be included. Others have suggested some specifics you might consider. On the other hand, if you can think of no way she can continue participating and she must be asked to drop out, is there a valid reason why you or someone else on the team can't break the bad news to her? Why does it have to be her husband who must tell her? Remember ladies... after all is said and done, her husband must continue to live with her and she will need someone she trusts and can count on to shield her from the many disappointments and hurts she will definitely feel as this disease progresses. How nice for her if you could somehow give her the gift of allowing that person to continue being her husband. Please get creative in finding some best solutions. This is your opportunity to do the right thing and give someone the gift of your sensitivity, understanding and support. She and her husband will be gifted with your kindness and understanding and equally as important... you will benefit too.
Be a thoughtful team mate and figure out a way she can still be a part of the fun without actually playing, she can still participate in practices, setting up, and cheering from the sidelines.
It would help if we knew what kind of game/sport, I remember our local bridge club having trouble with one of their members but she was always invited to attend.
What strikes me most about this question is that you feel you need to tell her husband instead of talking to her. I assume that anyone who is still able to be part of a team is pretty high functioning, although she must be aware that she has Alzheimer's and that her abilities are failing. The courageous thing to do is to speak to her directly, point out the things she is having trouble with and work with them both towards a solution, perhaps she can still play in a limited fashion or, as I stated before, help with the team in another way.
Please find a way to be inclusive and kind. I assume the other players on your "team" are approximately the same age as your friend. How would you want it handled if you were the teammate with dementia?
I think it's important to educate yourself on dementia and perhaps you can learn how to modify things for this person so she can stay in the game as long as possible. Maybe the game becomes a little different, not so competitive, whatever the game may be. You didn't say what the game was so it's hard to give you any meaningful answers. But let's suffice it to say that if she is truly a friend of yours, then I would hope you could find some options to keep her on the team. It would mean the world to her, that I do know. Eventually, she will have to leave the team, but try to make it later than sooner. Dementia will steal everything she has at some point. If she truly can no longer play the game, modified or otherwise, then you need to have a compassionate, honest talk with her husband. But to be honest with you, you should have had that discussion with him already knowing that the dementia was going to rob her of her ability to play eventually. Be kind, compassionate and a friend. Good luck.
My dad beat me at Gin Rummy to the point I thought it was sleight of hand. I knew his mind was slipping those final months when I began to win, but those wins were not sweet. Soon after, cards began slipping from his grasp. Yet even with dementia, he held onto his love for his friends and family.
Hopefully your teams compassion is greater than what yours seems to be and God forbid you don't have the same future. My mother's bowling team allowed her to bowl not counting her score in the end but prior to that they would allow me to bowl for her last game when she would get too tired to remember to throw the 2nd ball or refused to throw at all. I became friends with them and they all were completely supportive not exclusive. I will pray for you.
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You may think my response is harsh, but I own a caregiving biz for memory loss. In far too many instances, I have seen friends distance themselves as the person's disease progressed. The absence of friends makes their decline worse.
You might want to know that the only useful tools for fighting memory loss are socialization and memory loss. Thus if you decide to remove this person from your team, you have cut off the two avenues for fighting memory loss. I suggest you find another role for her, as others have suggested. If you decide to get rid of her, I wish you a guilty conscience and many losses for your team. Get over it!
Be kind. And do use this situation to bring others to kindness and understanding as well.
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The person with Dementia and their primary Care Provider (assume her husband, in this case) have a long and very difficult road ahead of them! Whatever you can do to ease their journey and especially to help preserve her dignity at all costs is the 'right' thing to do in this case. Brainstorm with your team mates some way (*any* way) she might still be able to be included. Others have suggested some specifics you might consider. On the other hand, if you can think of no way she can continue participating and she must be asked to drop out, is there a valid reason why you or someone else on the team can't break the bad news to her? Why does it have to be her husband who must tell her? Remember ladies... after all is said and done, her husband must continue to live with her and she will need someone she trusts and can count on to shield her from the many disappointments and hurts she will definitely feel as this disease progresses. How nice for her if you could somehow give her the gift of allowing that person to continue being her husband. Please get creative in finding some best solutions. This is your opportunity to do the right thing and give someone the gift of your sensitivity, understanding and support. She and her husband will be gifted with your kindness and understanding and equally as important... you will benefit too.
It would help if we knew what kind of game/sport, I remember our local bridge club having trouble with one of their members but she was always invited to attend.
How frustrating vanishing posters are sometimes!
If she truly can no longer play the game, modified or otherwise, then you need to have a compassionate, honest talk with her husband. But to be honest with you, you should have had that discussion with him already knowing that the dementia was going to rob her of her ability to play eventually. Be kind, compassionate and a friend. Good luck.
My mother's bowling team allowed her to bowl not counting her score in the end but prior to that they would allow me to bowl for her last game when she would get too tired to remember to throw the 2nd ball or refused to throw at all. I became friends with them and they all were completely supportive not exclusive.
I will pray for you.
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