How do you love someone you can't stand?

"I can't stand that sh*tty old woman, she made my life a living HELL when I was growing up, and I can't wait till she goes into a nursing home/croaks!"

...blink blink....sadface....'But....but....she's YOUR MOTHER!!!'

'Yes, more's the pity. I got stuck with a real lemon.'

There you have it, the truth of many many caregivers who daren't say anything about the 'poor little old ladies in such sad circumstances'. If you are doing caregiving to the best of your ability, that's sufficient, isn't it? Why - HOW - should you start loving, or even liking them at this point?

Don't beat yourself up. It is what it is. The world is full of damaged people, and most of them reproduce. With family and my in-laws, I often switch into "tolerating an annoying co-worker" mode. It sucks, because we want a better connection with family. But sometimes it's just not there.

Sorrynotsorry, It is okay not to feel love for your mom.
The advice is: It is not your responsibility to caregive your parents, but it is your responsibility to see that they are cared for.
You have been hurt and need to protect yourself, that is so very understandable.

Vstefans, I thought you had said: Love is a decision as well as an EMOTICON. lol
You are right, it is also an emotion.
We know there are different types of love.

There is a song that says: LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, IT'S AN ACT OF YOUR WILL.

I have heard it said, if you act in love, you will begin to love. OR,
Fake it till you make it. Means, just performing acts of love can be love.

Aha. Love is a decision as well as an emotion.

I think it's OK not to love someone.....it's just that in our society it's unacceptable to say that. I've heard more than a few people say 'well, of course I love her/him...I just can't stand being around them! Just because they raised you or related by blood doesn't mean you have to love them, especially since many were physically/mentally/verbally abused by them when they were small and even as adults. How can you love someone who has done that to you? and why should you? Blessings, Lindaz

LindaS - rambling is OK. Liking is something you prefer. I don't like my mother or most of her behaviours and prefer the company of others. I do love her in that her welfare is important to me and I act to see that she is cared for, even at my own expense sometimes.

What is the difference between like and love? I don't distinguish between the two, I think I know like but not sure what love is. Perhaps because I grew up in a none loving or liking household is the reason I don't understand. My parents didn't ever hug their children or speak to us much. I'm 70 and still clueless what love is. Golden I just saw your post on this subject. This helps me a lot. This is how I grew up!! She was the doer, Dad the distant worker bringing home the money. My mother didn't have mental issues but my dad did. They both grew up in dysfunctional families, very cold and distant and that is how I and my siblings were raised, although boys, men had more importance in the family then girls. Anyway, I've rambled.

Sorry,not sorry...you do not have to love them. It is so hard when they treat us so badly....only being nice when it benefits them. We do have to respect them...and some days it takes every molecule of what is left of me to pull that one off.

Loving - the feelings - and loving - the actions are two different things. I don't feel much love for my mother nor from her. Jessie, I appreciate your point that some can't give or receive it - not their fault and not yours.

For me love focusses on actions. By caring for someone I am showing them love even if I do not feel it and they do not feel it from me. She did care for me and give me opportunities in life which were in my best interests, She did many other things that were not in my best interests. Does she love me - as much as she is able, I think, which is limited due to her mental illness. Do I love her - in my actions but not much in my feelings. Does she feel loved by me? I hope so - even if it is just a little.

I am the wife of an 80 year old. I am 69 years old and recently laid off from my job of 13 years. We both get social security plus I have a small retirement fund which I have not used yet. My husband has begun to have incontinent issues among other health problems. My question is living on our social security (state pays for his medicare) can I be considered a caregiver by the state of california? Is there any compensation for this being his spouse? Or another family member can be compensated possibly.??

Nitrokeikei - you should start a new post instead of continuing to post here - you will get more answers hat way.

I am the spouse of an 80 year old husband. I am 69 years old and recently laid off from my job of 13 years.We both are on a fixed income with our social security plus I have a small retirement fund which I have not used yet. My husband has begun to have incontinence issues among other health problems. My question is living on our social security (state pays his medicare) can I be considered his caregiver by medicare (California)?? Is there any compensation for caregivers (spouse or other family members)…?????

Sorrynotsorry, what you describe isn't unusual at all. Most children are born with the ability to love. We learn how and who to love from our parents. If our parents aren't there for us emotionally, we keep tossing out the love feelers and not connecting. It is a sad situation and not the fault of the child. It may not be the fault of the parent, either -- showing love was just something that wasn't there. I also have the feeling that children in a family may not be equally loved. Maybe there was only enough love for one child and the others were just there.

My father was very self-contained. He would probably be diagnosed with Asperger's these days. The condition wasn't known back in his time. He never bonded with anyone but my mother, and I'm not really sure about that. So, of course, his children never bonded back with him. The sad thing is that no one seemed to grieve his passing except my mother. It wasn't the kids' fault, because there was no bond ever formed. The bad thing is that people would look at us and think that we were heartless for not missing our father, so no one says that we don't. I do grieve never having a father that I could play with and be close to. It wasn't his fault he wasn't that man; it wasn't my fault, either.

Anyway... I don't feel it is the adult child's fault for not feeling love for a parent who never showed love to them.

I am the wife of an 80 year old. I am 69 years old and recently laid off from my job of 13 years. We both get social security plus I have a small retirement fund which I have not used yet. My husband has begun to have incontinent issues among other health problems. My question is living on our social security (state pays for his medicare) can I be considered a caregiver by the state of california? Is there any compensation for this being his spouse? Or another family member can be compensated possibly.??

Love should always be unconditional..It is okay to not love someone. I know several people who did or does not like a parent... Be that they were too strict, did not handle situations correctly, or did not know how to be a good parent. If a parent keeps stepping on you, and what a horrible child you are, how are you as a kid able to deal with that? I know someone who said their dad would swear at them, hit them and promise to throw them across the room and smash them against the wall....Some people just should not be parents...NO body is perfect. Try to find something in that person that was a good influence on you. Just one thing. Then try to find something else about that person that you admire. The dad who threw his kid across the room, had a couple of good things. always be polite to people, do try different foods, and do experience other places, and be thankful for what you have......This from a dad who wasn't exactly superdad....

There is always that difference between love and like. An obvious statement but one to remember when people make these comments , esp. about parents. Plus, as said above....is the "love" obligatory?? it is common to start out thinking we should love our parents or siblings. It quite often ends up being quite different. And then too, we might as a family member feel guilty for stating we do not love another family member. One thing to think about is that as we grow and mature by whatever influences us(education, work, another individual etc) we tend to modify beliefs we were raised with....and many times feelings towards the person who taught them to us.