You need to laugh! Can you tease her? "Oh, someone got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning." "Sure I'll get you a glass of water. Right after I wash my hair and go grocery shopping and.... Oh! You want it Now! Why didn't you say so?"
Complain to her in a lighthearted way. "Oh, sure, wait until I sit down before asking. You're such a diva. You're just like the princess and the pea." My husband laughs when he knows he has pissed me off. So I play it up to entertain him.
The basic thing is to choose to be happy. Easier said than done, but it won't happen unless you try. Enjoy that cup of tea. Rejoice when she goes to sleep. Be nicer to her than she deserves, and enjoy being such a noble and admirable person.
Diana. you accept the new version out of love for the old one, and usually there are days when you catch a glimpse of the person you once knew. And sometimes it just gets to be too much. If the time comes when the stranger in your home starts to drain your spirit you must consider alternative care, it will be easier to visit than have to deal with it 24/7.
What do you do when you have to change & accept their dementia ? How can you change ?? Especially when their new personality is ugly!! How do you change successfuly ?
My father has advanced Alzheimer's, My mother passed last Dec. as she was his main caregiver. I took him to appointments and just to get him out of the house to give her some peace. Dad came to live with us, that lasted 2 months. He is very angry and has good and bad days. Mostly bad now. His personality changed, but he had always been demanding, only now it was amplified. Everything is amplified, he does not know what he is doing, it is not his fault, none of it is. This disease is heartbreaking to say the least. May god bless all of you. He now resides in a group home and he is happy there and they love him very much.
Thank you blackhole! Just what I needed to hear! Do any of you have the
Thank you Thank you! Blackhole. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you the truth. Frustrating for sure. Yesterday she had one of her best days in weeks. Today was back to confusion and nonsense.
If you're referring to someone who's legitimately mentally impaired, talk with their psych for coping strategies. If you're talking about someone who gets shifty and holds a grudge like a camel just because they don't dare tell it to your face, ask what's eating them. I'd rather confront the situation rather than let it rent space in my head and fester.
I haven't seen the demanding but Mom does get stubborn. I can see why but its hard to determine where her mind is from day to day. One day she does what I want the next she gets mad because I'm telling her what to do. This stresses me. If she got demanding....this would not work for me. I do because I want to not because I'm demanded to. Think I would try to tell Mom that she can't demand, ask yes, demand no.
Blackhole; Thank you.That is the most helpful advice I've had. I have divorced parents living in separate houses with mental health and mobility needs. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me how to respond to the constant demands. Loads of people churn out bland statements which do not help. Actual practical advice like yours is so welcome and rare.
Blackhole, I love your posting. Well said. A good one to read when you've just gotten your butt kicked. "No is a great resource" should be stitched on a pillow.
This is hard hard hard, but train yourself to shut off all the "wouldda couldda shouldda." Yes, it's agonizing to see our elders acting (and acting out) in ways that are so different from their old selves. But that old self is gone. Whether it's a stroke or dementia or heightened anxiety or drama-for-drama's-sake is immaterial.
If you think mom or dad would fare better if they improved their diet or got out once in a while or changed their living situation or changed their attitude, you're right! And it doesn't matter one damm bit. Because they won't change -- aside from changing for the worse.
Take a calm, thoughtful inventory of their needs vs their wants. Then take a calm, thoughtful inventory of what you can reasonably do (a.k.a. With Boundaries) vs the expectations that are foisted upon you. Prioritze. Whittle it down some more. Now stick with your new, abbreviated list. There are workarounds and other resources for everything else. ("No" is an awesome resource.)
And.....this sounds twisted.....but always give less than you are technically able to give. Leave something in the tank for when the situation gets more dire. You are not just navigating this "new stranger." You are also the target of myriad family, friends and professionals who will try to expand your to-do list. Be strong.
Burnedout, the site is filled with advice for coping with dementia behaviours. Advice would depend on your circumstances, are they angry? fearful? confused? aggressive? wandering? And are they living alone? with you? in a facility?
If you can't find answers by searching the site you can post a new question with details about your specific needs, they are usually people here who have been where you are and learned to deal with it.
My husbands personality changed too with a stroke. He was loving and kind before. Now aggressive and mean at times. Dr. Jeckel & mr. Hyde now. Best thing you can do for yourself is accept it. Walk away from it to avoid arguements. There is no reasoning with them.
In one way or the other, she may be "taking care" of her. Even just visiting, she may be seeing a change in personality. They can't help it. I see it in my Mom's board and care. Some personalities in that place are changing...It happens...It is sad and tough...
"It's hard, becoming very demanding" She knows her mind is slipping, and so is her independence...... That is a very tough situation to deal with. She is fighting from the inside out...And unfortunately, tag you are it......
I don't know how old she is, I imagine she is very close to you, mom or close relative....It is never easy. My neighbor's hubby went from gentle giant to angry aggressive..... He passed away....
Just be there for her. One of the last conversations or answer from my mother was when I asked her my name, and she said her sister's name. She doesn't talk any more, except for "ok". So, just hang in there, and tell her you love her. It doesn't matter shat she calls me. at least she talked.... :( I miss that.
I hear people say that previous personalities can flip flop: grumpy/sweet sweet/grumpy. in my case: selfless, loving, generous/ complaining, grouchy, diva
Complain to her in a lighthearted way. "Oh, sure, wait until I sit down before asking. You're such a diva. You're just like the princess and the pea." My husband laughs when he knows he has pissed me off. So I play it up to entertain him.
The basic thing is to choose to be happy. Easier said than done, but it won't happen unless you try. Enjoy that cup of tea. Rejoice when she goes to sleep. Be nicer to her than she deserves, and enjoy being such a noble and admirable person.
Good luck, because it isn't easy.
And sometimes it just gets to be too much. If the time comes when the stranger in your home starts to drain your spirit you must consider alternative care, it will be easier to visit than have to deal with it 24/7.
How do you change successfuly ?
Thank you Thank you! Blackhole. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you the truth. Frustrating for sure. Yesterday she had one of her best days in weeks. Today was back to confusion and nonsense.
If you think mom or dad would fare better if they improved their diet or got out once in a while or changed their living situation or changed their attitude, you're right! And it doesn't matter one damm bit. Because they won't change -- aside from changing for the worse.
Take a calm, thoughtful inventory of their needs vs their wants. Then take a calm, thoughtful inventory of what you can reasonably do (a.k.a. With Boundaries) vs the expectations that are foisted upon you. Prioritze. Whittle it down some more. Now stick with your new, abbreviated list. There are workarounds and other resources for everything else. ("No" is an awesome resource.)
And.....this sounds twisted.....but always give less than you are technically able to give. Leave something in the tank for when the situation gets more dire. You are not just navigating this "new stranger." You are also the target of myriad family, friends and professionals who will try to expand your to-do list. Be strong.
If you can't find answers by searching the site you can post a new question with details about your specific needs, they are usually people here who have been where you are and learned to deal with it.