What to do when their personality changes and now you don't like that personality?

This is hard hard hard, but train yourself to shut off all the "wouldda couldda shouldda." Yes, it's agonizing to see our elders acting (and acting out) in ways that are so different from their old selves. But that old self is gone. Whether it's a stroke or dementia or heightened anxiety or drama-for-drama's-sake is immaterial.

If you think mom or dad would fare better if they improved their diet or got out once in a while or changed their living situation or changed their attitude, you're right! And it doesn't matter one damm bit. Because they won't change -- aside from changing for the worse.

Take a calm, thoughtful inventory of their needs vs their wants. Then take a calm, thoughtful inventory of what you can reasonably do (a.k.a. With Boundaries) vs the expectations that are foisted upon you. Prioritze. Whittle it down some more. Now stick with your new, abbreviated list. There are workarounds and other resources for everything else. ("No" is an awesome resource.)

And.....this sounds twisted.....but always give less than you are technically able to give. Leave something in the tank for when the situation gets more dire. You are not just navigating this "new stranger." You are also the target of myriad family, friends and professionals who will try to expand your to-do list. Be strong.

Personality changes are common with dementia. You learn to deal with it, it's not like you can trade them in for a different model. lol

Blackhole, I love your posting. Well said. A good one to read when you've just gotten your butt kicked. "No is a great resource" should be stitched on a pillow.

I hear people say that previous personalities can flip flop: grumpy/sweet sweet/grumpy. in my case: selfless, loving, generous/ complaining, grouchy, diva

Blackhole; Thank you.That is the most helpful advice I've had. I have divorced parents living in separate houses with mental health and mobility needs. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me how to respond to the constant demands. Loads of people churn out bland statements which do not help. Actual practical advice like yours is so welcome and rare.

Diana. you accept the new version out of love for the old one, and usually there are days when you catch a glimpse of the person you once knew.
And sometimes it just gets to be too much. If the time comes when the stranger in your home starts to drain your spirit you must consider alternative care, it will be easier to visit than have to deal with it 24/7.

You need to laugh! Can you tease her? "Oh, someone got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning." "Sure I'll get you a glass of water. Right after I wash my hair and go grocery shopping and.... Oh! You want it Now! Why didn't you say so?"

Complain to her in a lighthearted way. "Oh, sure, wait until I sit down before asking. You're such a diva. You're just like the princess and the pea." My husband laughs when he knows he has pissed me off. So I play it up to entertain him.

The basic thing is to choose to be happy. Easier said than done, but it won't happen unless you try. Enjoy that cup of tea. Rejoice when she goes to sleep. Be nicer to her than she deserves, and enjoy being such a noble and admirable person.

Good luck, because it isn't easy.

It's just hard, I don't want to argue with her but she can get very demanding. Very different for her.

Just be there for her. One of the last conversations or answer from my mother was when I asked her my name, and she said her sister's name. She doesn't talk any more, except for "ok". So, just hang in there, and tell her you love her. It doesn't matter shat she calls me. at least she talked.... :( I miss that.

I don't know how old she is, I imagine she is very close to you, mom or close relative....It is never easy. My neighbor's hubby went from gentle giant to angry aggressive..... He passed away....