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anonymous7311 Asked May 2011

How much independence is appropriate for my elderly mother?

I know that there is alot of emphasis on giving seniors independence and keeping them active. I feel very strongly that this depends totally on each person and their own abilities. I am constantly being criticized for being "OVERLY PROTECTIVE" of my mother. 85 years old some Alzeihmers/Dementia. She likes to take her walks and I can't always go with her when she is ready to go as I have my household duties and family to attend to also. I tell her she can only walk either way on our block, to not go around the corners as we will not be able to see her if something should happen to her. She not only gets upset but tells friends and family members that I don't let her go. Not only can she fall, but she doesn't have the instinct that we do regarding strangers anymore. She talks to everyone and tells them anything that comes to mind. Her conversation does not have a filter so I feel I have no privacy. She calls everyone her friend but yet can't even tell me their names. I don't want her be going in to anyones house either. We know alot of people in our neighborhood but not everyone. My concern first and foremost is her safety. I really need some support on this.

anonymous7311 May 2011
Thanks for all your suggestions. When possible, my grandkids do go with her. A neighbor did invite her one time, I had told him to watch her if she got tired and to stop periodically, but I think her pace was too slow for him he didn't invite her again.

jeannegibbs May 2011
The issue here isn't that your mother is elderly, it is that she has dementia. If the situation were reversed and you had early onset dementia and she was perfectly fine, she might be struggling with how much freedom to allow you! (My 95-year-old aunt is fine to walk on her own.)

You are the one who knows your mother's limitations and symptoms. You have the responsibility to make decisions on her behalf, no matter what others say.

You have decided that Mom is at too much risk if she goes walking on her own.
You cannot walk with her as often as she would like.
The options are to find someone else to walk with her sometimes, or to curtail her walking. I think the first option is far better, if you can possibly manage it.
Good luck!

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NicoleBernd May 2011
Dawnone, I agree with naheaton. You are right to worry and shouldn't let what others think outside of the situation change your decision. naheaton gave some very good suggestions. I know that my grandmother has a gentleman from a non-skilled agency come in and take my grandfather out for walks and around town. My grandfather has severe dementia as well and could not walk on his own. This gives my grandma some time to herself, and allows grandpa a ton of time to get out and enjoy himself. Just another suggestion, if you do it even once a week it can be pretty affordable. Good luck, and hang in there!

NancyH May 2011
While you're not watching them use the toilet or brush their teeth, you have to remain diligent when it comes to their safety. And as you said, your mom lacks the filter she used to have when it comes to strangers and unexpected problems, so you're right to be worried. What about a neighbor or friend that can come over and walk with your mom? Does it have to be another old person, or can someone young that knows about safety walk with her? What about someone who's already out walking their dog everyday, can you ask them? Do you have a church family that can help? If all these questions come back in the negative, then say 'sorry mom, you're gonna have to wait till I get some free time'. If all she wants to really do is get some exercise and be outside, then give her a hoe and let her plant some flowers.

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