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I'm sick of people telling me how I need to make life better for my MIL who has dementia, and whom I’ve been estranged from for over 14 yrs and I’m stuck caring for her in my home.
This woman has destroyed my life, my health, my home in a little over a year, and all I ever hear is how horrible it must be for her.
I’m generalizing because the facts are I am stuck with this woman whom I do not like at all.
There is no one else, she has 5 siblings 5 children, 6 grandchildren and not one will have a thing to do with her. So I’m not being petty.
Again, we all have different stories and circumstances, but am I the only one that just wants to lose it whenever we’re on the verge of tears, or suffering from a health condition such as having your back knocked out of place for the fourth time in 5 months, and all you hear is, Ohhh, that poor dear it must be so hard having dementia? Are you kidding me !

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Tammanila,
You are doing this because NO ONE else has stepped up to the plate. You are feeling badly because no one understands how difficult it is to caretake someone with dementia OR they know and want NOTHING to do with it.
There are days you want to pull your hair out, you want to scream at the top of your lungs how frustrated you are caring for this MIL who has endless needs, who you don’t even care for.

Everyone focuses on her, no one gives YOU credit for how hard YOUR life has become. I get it.

Is your husband the oldest child and therefore the responsibility falls on him (you)? Is there any way you could “share” the responsibility of your MIL with her other children? Could she stay at your house 2 weeks and then rotate 2 weeks at the other siblings homes? I would bring this up with your husband, along with telling him how frustrated you are that his other siblings aren’t sharing in the responsibility of their mother. You could put your foot down and say you will only care for her 2 weeks out of 10 weeks (2 weeks x 5 kids).
You will have to stick up for yourself because no one else has your back.

Good luck.
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Reply to SueC1957
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Why are you choosing this living arrangement?
Are you an abused wife? Why are you putting up with this? Especially since she has a large family.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Tammanila Jul 17, 2019
Abused wife ? Seriously? And that wasn’t my question. Try reading.
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It's a fair question to ask why you are the one providing the care that you don't want to provide when there are 16 other people who are related to her. I noticed that your husband wasn't one of the people listed as a relative of hers. Does he help care for her?

And, if you want sympathy and understanding for your situation, disrespect to people who are responding to you is not a way to get it.

One of the recurring themes on this forum is the concern and caring shown for the needy but not for the caregiver. It is a frustrating situation and I feel for you. As has been discussed many times on here, people can only take advantage of you if you let them.
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Reply to metoo111
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I too am wondering why you are doing this. Definitely, it shouldn't be on your shoulders. No wonder you are so angry -- I would be too!
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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To be very frank I don't think that this is about what people are saying to you. THAT gets filed under where you always file the failings of well-meaning and very decent people who do not have a clue as to what to say, knowing you are suffering and meaning to comfort you, thinking that you care about this woman or why would you be taking care of her. I guess if you really want to shut them up fast you could say "Never could stand the woman, and NOW I REALLY can't stand her.". That should do it.
The real deal here is you. You are choosing to give you life up to a woman you don't much care for and have been estranged from for 14 years. It is making you very angry and bitter, I would think. I guess I am left wondering why. You only have this one life. Is it not worth more than giving it up to a woman you never cared for? Not everyone in this world is deserving of our care.
Tammanila, I say this as someone who has a brother, the most decent and gentle man in my 77 years of life, suffering from Lewy's Bodies Dementia. I am fully aware that I am incapable of caring for him in my own home. I could not do that heroic work my best day alive, and to attempt it would be to martyr myself for no good end; it would destroy what little can be salvaged out of our lives at this point. We are not all meant to do caregiving in our own homes. And those of us who do not have a DEEP and abiding love for the person we are attempting to help are well advised not to try.
So sorry for all of the pain you are going through. And anyone with that dread disease has my sympathy as well.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Honestly, I cannot stand my mother, she is a terrible person, I would never have her live with me. I will do what I can so she is safe and cared for, but, not by me. Why not talk to your husband about placing her somewhere else, you don't need her around as she is making you miserable. As for the other people I would ask them "Have you ever been a caretaker"? Most will say no, and I would leave it at that and walk away.
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Reply to DollyMe
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I HOPE that some of these kinds of comments (we all get them) arise from the fact that unless one has been exposed to close, ongoing exposure to patients with dementia, it is actually very hard to understand or empathize with “the life”.

There appears to me that many or most of the residents of my LO’s MCAL experience very little suffering.

I ignore A LOT, but there have been a few situations since I’ve assumed responsibility for LO’s care that have been horribly disturbing to me.

Are there any ways that you’re able to give yourself a little respite OP?
Are you her only caregiver? What are you able to do to care for yourself?
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Reply to AnnReid
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Ignorance is bliss. "Outsiders" just do NOT get it at all, what it means to be caring for someone with dementia, never mind someone you dislike!! People rarely consider what WE are going through as caregivers, just what the 'poor souls' are going through who have the disease. Half the time they're totally OUT of it anyway, and not going through all that much!! But what they put US through is another story entirely. I can barely hold a conversation with my mother anymore and find myself needing to get off the phone or OUT of her room in Memory Care asap. So I can't even imagine what it must be like LIVING with her 24/7. I could never, ever, under ANY circumstances do it, and I'm not sure how YOU are doing it, either. I know you don't want advice about the living arrangement, but I want to plant a seed in your head, so humor me: think about alternate living arrangements for your MIL. Talk to your husband about it, discuss it, involve the rest of the family members, apply for Medicaid if necessary, whatever it takes. Because the sad truth is, 40% of us will die BEFORE the loved ones we're caring for. Dementia is just TOO MUCH for anyone to be dealing with in the home.
All the best to you, dear woman.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Well to answer a few questions as to why my husband and I are stuck with her. She had been begging my husband to move back here to Florida and get her own little place.
When she showed up , no clothes ( except a bag of urine soaked clothes) and she was completely disoriented and could hardly stand.
Needless to say I was in shock. We were lied to by both her and her two other sons, her daughters haven’t spoken to her in years.
Long story short, dcf has been here, she has a social worker that is supposed to be placing her, but he’s dragging his feet since he can see she’s happy as a pig in poo here.
There is nowhere for her to go besides here, Until they place her. I accepted that awhile ago.
Yes, I am very resentful of her and it doesn’t help that she absolutely hates other women.
I guess my rant today came from once again she refuses to use her walker and I end up breaking her fall . Once again I’m stuck on the sofa because she knocked my back out ( she’s a lot heavier than me)

I could go on and on, but most of it you’ve all heard or lived through. I’ve been reading this forum for months, so I do know what a lot of you go through ! But today I literally almost crawled into the drs office AGAIN, and when she said the poor dear comment, it just set me off.
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Reply to Tammanila
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lealonnie1 Jul 17, 2019
My mother hates other women too! She absolutely loves men and slobbers all over them, but has only nasty filthy things to say about women. I hope the SW can find placement for her SOON. One other thought.......if your back is out and you can't break her fall next time, call an ambulance, get her to the ER and let them know you CANNOT and WILL NOT take her back home with you. They will likely find placement for her a lot quicker THERE then while she's comfy in your home.
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Tam, can you let her hit the floor and then call an ambulance to take her to the hospital, at that point tell them that she can not come back.

I would tell her social worker to do his job or you will be going over his stupid head. Get her placed or take her home useless bonehead.

I am sorry that you were it. Nothing for building character like a beastly MIL that you can't get rid of.

Just curious, do you talk to the lying BILs that set you up?

Hugs!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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