My mother is in her late 60s and has had 2 strokes. She lived with my husband and me for a couple months afterwards until she completed physical therapy. Now she can get around with a cane and is back to work part time. She lives with my 92 year old grandmother and expects her to cook their meals (and my grandmother acquiesces because there's some codependency stuff between them). Talks of better suited housing have gone nowhere with the two of them. My grandmother still feels obligated to take care of my mom, and my mom just ignores the suggestion, laughs it off, or makes some excuse.
My mom may be in denial, but at some point my grandmother will no longer be around. My husband thinks my mom will just assume that she can move in with us (I'm an only child). Our house is not the safest for her needs (stairs, no handicap accessible bath) and it shames me to admit that I just don't want her living with us. My husband has made it plain that he doesn't want her living here either. When she was here recuperating, she refused to go to the bathroom that was just down the hall -about 30 paces, I measured- because my house was cold at night (might I note she lives on the 3rd floor of an unheated old house?). She used a potty chair - until I disassembled it to force her to walk down the hall. At the end of her stay (she was up and mobile again), I asked her one evening if she would cook dinner. She said no. My husband and I both work full time jobs, then would come home and do our normal house chores, laundry, cook meals, and take care of her needs. She sat on our couch and watched TV all day.
My mom may need a little help with stuff, but she is also not completely inept. She's seemingly sunken into an entitlement mentality, expecting the rest of us (myself, my husband, my aunt and uncle) to run the 40 minutes up to their house to get their groceries (they literally live next to the grocery store) and do their errands. We just hired a neighbor to handle their yardwork/snow removal and she did not particularly appreciate that at all (so sorry, your usual yardboy is a 70 year old who needed hernia surgery! How dare he, I know.).
All that to say I don't want to perpetuate this toxic cycle with her in my home. Is that selfish of me?
Being damage inside the brain, much can be invisible to onlookers but close family will see changes: eg mood regulation, memory, planning, & motivation.
Ordering groceries takes many skills - inc memory, planning, phone or computer skills, motivation + financial skill. Also problem solving for when things go wrong, items out of stock etc.
"She's seemingly sunken into an entitlement mentality, expecting the rest of us...."
It may be ordering groceries is just too hard for her now?
My LO lives a 'recovered' stroke survivor life. Appears 'entitled' also. Lacks initiation & motivation for so many tasks - they fall into the 'someone else will do it' basket (which is growing heavier all the time). The skill level needed for these tasks is just not there.
You may want to explore options for Guardianship for Mother &/or Grandmother (for the future).
To be ready in the wings when the show turns into a crises. Then swoop in to arrange a better plan. (Note: not your home).
They live in a rural town, so there is no grocery delivery. I've suggested online ordering (my aunt or I could do that part for them as they are not adept at tech) so at least she could pick it up and they don't have to walk through the store, but that got shot down. She says my grandmother likes walking through the store. Well, she did when she could walk, but now she gets tired very easily and is unstable. I tried to get my mom to cook, but she says my grandmother likes to cook for her. Grandma used to like to cook, but she doesn't anymore and she doesn't want to/can't say no because it'll make my mom mad.
I peeked at your bio, and can empathize with the bus analogy for sure!
Let's re-phrase as *self preservation*.
Look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) on the net. You have no ‘obligation’ , you certainly shouldn’t feel ‘guilt’. If you have ‘fear’, why? Think about it very carefully.
Perhaps it would be good to have a joint meeting with you, your husband, your aunt and your uncle, to discuss what is going on. It would help to understand everyone’s views and limitations, to have a joint strategy for the present and the future, to agree that you don’t blame each other for your choices, or tolerate hearing complaints from mother or grandmother.
Basically, because they live together, my mom is benefiting from my aunt's caretaking of my grandmother. Largely due to her behavior and unpleasant personality for the last few years, my aunt says the gravy train will end for my mom once my grandmother passes. My aunt and her daughter are so disgusted with the whole situation (my cousin certainly took exception to my mom calling her "the maid") that they'll wash their hands of it and any caretaking for my mom will fall to me. My mom is not as sassy with me (usually) and according to them, tries to make it look like she's doing better than she is.
She never wants to discuss any of this stuff, so I think we're going to try camouflaging it in with my husband's and my aging plans for ourselves (we don't have kids, so we have some planning to do of our own).
Thank you again, everyone, for all your advice. I'm going to need all I can get!
You say mom and grandma have codependency issues, make sure you don't fall into the same trap w your mom.
Your husband is right. Dont let her move in with you, even temporarily, for any reason.
Make it clear now that you are not going to be taking her in when Grandma passes. That she needs to be as independent as possible because she can't count on you longterm. You work and have to work.
She'll need to hire more people to help her out or go into assisted living.
Good luck.