Alzheimer's dad is directing his anger at me. Redirecting isn’t working. He’s on a continuous loop. How can I make our visits less painful?

Are you sure your father isn't related to my father.? :) Same style of attacks each and every visit....and if you stayed longer than half an hour, it would be repeated several times.

I used to try redirecting and changing the subject. It was all negative either to me, my home, or about the neighbors and relatives he all "disliked". It is the dementia, which does amplify a cantankerous personality, but when you are the victim, it is still horrible to take. It got so bad, I used to get panic attacks on the way home. In fact, one time, my blood pressure got so bad it scared me and I drove directly to the local clinic to get help.

Here is what I did....I decided that I needed to care for my own mental health. I would put a "worry stone" in my pocket. When he started in, I would hold the stone, count slowly to 20, breath in and out through my nose, and try to remain calm, not really absorbing his rant. I was able to patiently visit for around 15-30 minutes. When loop 2 of his standard complaining started, I would say, "look at the time, got lots to do, hope you have a great week".

Lots of good advice here....stay sane....hang in there.....take care of you.

Mincemeat is right. They ALWAYS blame the one who cares the most. Here is a conversation between my friend and her Dad who was in a home at the time with Dementia.

Dad: Car needs taken into the shop
J : OK Dad, will take it tomorrow

Next day

Dad: Did you take the car to the shop
J : Yes Dad, they are working on it today

Next Day

Dad: Did u pick up the car
J : Yes Dad all fixed
Dad: Good

You may have to learn to play along. Nothing you can do about him rearranging stuff and things. My Mom used to take clean clothes and throw them in the dirty clothes basket. Asking them not to do it will not help. I agree to cut your visit time down when he gets started.

Qwerty, your dad and my mom must have gone to the same school! According to Mom I'm the sole perpetrator of all her miseries: Cruella deVille. In Dementia World, those who do the most are the likeliest targets for anger and blame. Mincemeat, I love your suggestions!

Qwerty it's not You, it is the illness. Why is it We always seem to hurt those Who We love the most. I would suggest
you visit less often for a while since Your Dad is being well Cared for and You need a rest from that agrivation. Play along with You Dad. Ignore all the strange habits and look
after number one here Yourself.

If he is able to walk, take him to the park or some walkway and walk everyday, same time, same place, and gradually increase distance. I believe if a person has been active most of their life, this inclination or desire is still there but their mind is UNABLE to process information so their behavior tends to become mania. So this daily exercise satisfies that inclination or desire to be active. She so is calmer. Walking at a regular scheduled basis has been the best medication for my mom, and I make it a point to never miss. I never gave her any psychiatric medication because those will increase risk of falling. (Fall prevention is another issue that I can write a book on that.) Daily walks has helped my mom a great deal and controls her mania behavior very well. It settles her down throughout the day. There were instances she would start up again in the afternoon, I would supplement her walk with another (shorter than morning) and it settled her right down. Her Alzheimer's disease did get worse years later, and she's become more sedentary but she will still take her daily walk because it's a habit I been doing with her for five years and I missed very few days. I truly believe she would have died years ago without this daily walk. It makes her care easier for me because she is still able to get up, but she does need help walking and many times I use a walker at home. Her Alzheimer's is quite severe she needs help with EVERYTHING. I also found that daily walks help prevent "sundowning". She tends to sleep all night and stay up all day. THERE are instances she did sundown and I would walk her around the house with the walker and that would settle her down. I also try to keep her awake during the day. I give her coffee in the morning (with thickener) and early afternoon--that helps a great deal. Never in the evening. Alzheimer's disease afects their ability to walk as a kind of Parkinson's so she started sticking her butt out too much with a rollerator. So I got a speciality walker for stroke patients (she never had a stroke) because it keeps her back straight. It cost me $650 and Medicare will not pay for those, but it was worth its weight on gold because she can walk nearly a half mile because it corrects her affected posture and stance. They sell them on Amazon. It's called a Dolomite Alpha Rollator - Advanced with Forearm Supports. I had to remove the brakes because she would depress them, but she does not need them since I am besides her guiding the walker anyway. This is the best exerciser ever, but it does weight about 40 pounds. but I have no problem getting it in and out of the back seat (I bought some wood for the back seat of the car to protect the liner of the car seat).

qwerty, just from the armchair perspective, reading your story it sounds like he could be in pain. I’m glad the psych meds are helping some, but could his doctor possibly go over his body sensations and see if there’s more relief to give? This sounds SO hard, do keep focus on yourself as well so you can cope! I would keep distance and do brief visits only when you’re up to it. Bless you and him.

I have went through the same thing with my mother. My mother and father are in the NH together in the same room. The Dr. gave her some medicine that helped for about two weeks. Now she is back to doing the same things. I have learned to not visit everyday and to keep my visits short. I am mostly just checking on them. When mom talks, I do not correct or argue, I just listen.

Just hugs. Your Dad is living a nightmare and taking you with him.

I think Mincemeat's worry stone is genius.

If that doesn't help, staying away and giving him time to get through this phase is a reasonable option, to try at least. It could even be that your presence triggers or exacerbates his agitation; you can only find out by seeing what happens when you haven't been there for a while.

Is he on a medication for his obsessive behavior...they put my dad on Celexa to help with that. He also took things apart and ruined many of them so that I had to take away all tools and scissors from him. He cut up all the new socks I gave him because he said they were someone elses's. Wrote with a sharpie all over his new slippers about how much he hated living there! I took the Sharpie away. And yes he would yell at me for ruining his life. At one point my physical and mental health was suffering so, I stayed away for two months. You do know he’s not your "true dad" anymore but a man who has a disease that has broken his brain but not his body yet. That is so hard to watch and I understand your empathy and wanting to fix it. But there comes a point where you have to know it can’t be fixed by you. I also understand the not wanting to go see him any more. I live with that feeling daily. I have to buck it up to see my dad.

there is a little book I recommend you get...called Loving Hard to love Parents by Paul Chafetz. He is a psychologist who counsels adult children like us. He has great tips.

Don't get yourself agitated or argue over the small stuff, like folding dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper and rearranging the closet and drawers. It's not going to hurt anyone if he does this.

Just quietly take away things that might cause him to hurt himself, or that he is destroying.

Think of how you would treat a child under 3 years old. Try to spend more happy time with him. It sounds like he wants to see you. It's ok just to sit with him for a while and tell him that he was a good father and you love him.

I am struggling with this also, but I live with my mother so I get it 24/7. She has massively complicated delusions (all terrible, of course), sees things written all over everything, thinks people come in the house and take her things, and on and on. I have struggled with the fact that I can't help her when she's in one of these rants. It goes against everything in me to ignore her behavior, but this is what I am learning to do.

Redirecting her is a joke. There is no comforting her, no reassuring her. I can't get away to another room because I need to keep an eye on her. Sometimes I put on my noise cancelling headphones and listen to music. I am also going to follow Mincemeat's worry stone idea.

If I had the choice, I would limit visits to a couple of times a week for no more than an hour. We are caretakers, not punching bags. We have the right to our own lives. We know they can't help their behavior, but that doesn't mean we have to take it. Right now, I am doing everything I can to take care of my mother, but I'm also doing more and more to save myself.

A friend has had a similar situation. Her husband of many years finally did get violent. She continued to go every day and see him. She continued to check with his caregivers every day. Seems like this is the heartbreak of this disease. It steals the memories of our loved ones and sometimes replaces them with another person that we don’t recognize. And yet. We keep coming. We keep loving. We keep checking with the caregivers. They are still our spouses, our moms, our dads. We are doing what needs to be done.

In my experience it is very hard to make visits less painful. I have taken a two pronged approach.

1) work with his doctor on medications that can improve his mood. There may or may nor be something that will help. My mother states she is miserable/unhappy, hurting here and there, doesn't want pureed food, and so on. The staff are working with her doctor to find treatments that will help. So far, at this phase of her disease, they have been unsuccessful. but it is worth trying. Meds helped her delusions earlier in this disease.

2) Visit less. My experience over our lifetime is that mother will be unhappy whether I am there or not. It is how she is and always has been, She focuses her unhappiness on me or on others. If I am not around as much she focuses less on me, and also it is easier on me because I don't experience the difficulties as often. When, during a visit, she gets too difficult, I leave - not in a huff, I just quietly go, "Gotta go, see you later." I think by visiting less often you have a better chance of breaking the loop. Good luck!

Three months ago my Mom was put on a low dose of Celexa. She became a changed person! Although she still calls me to want to come home a few times a day, she is no longer doing it with anxiety or is driving herself tired of the loops. She is more relaxed. Thank you Celexa!

I now can answer the same questions in a way which she can accept and not get angry, depressed or get high blood pressure from her anxious state. I also now have learnt to only visit 2 times each week, and no more than 3 on special holidays. It is not easy to stay away, but I also have to take care of myself at almost 70! I have no children to later take care of me...so I have to do that right now!

The December, 2018, issue of Discover magazine has an extensive article on the research being done on treating and preventing Alzheimers. There are no drugs involved. An extensive analysis of the person, called a "cognoscopy" is the beginning. It "is a combination of blood tests, genetic evaluations, and an MRI which measures brain volumes to identify areas of shrinkage." Then the data is crunched using a computer algorithm to customize a plan on each person's deficiencies and genetic makeup.
"Typically, each plan encompasses several key elements to reverse inflammation, insulin resistance and destruction of vital brain structures."
They include getting enough sleep every night, frequent yoga and meditation to relieve stress, aerobic exercise for 30 to 60 minutes at least 5 times a week, brain training exercises 3 times a week, eating a mostly plant-based diet, drinking plenty of water and eliminating gluten and sugars.
One of the stories included was of a person developing Alzheimers who was able to completely reverse the disease and remain symptom free. The "holy grail" of finding a pill to pop may never be successful. I recommend reading the article "Alzheimer's Under Attack", by Linda Marsa for a more complete understanding of what I am referencing.
When my friend with frontal temporal dementia would not let anyone work with her, I was advised to take her to a geri-psych ward in a hospital to find an anti-psychotic drug that would calm her down without doping her up. It took them 3 weeks to find the right drug and dosage, all paid for by her insurance. She was calm and happy after that until she passed away. Perhaps something like that could be tried to help get him through this most unpleasant stage.

In my situation it is my husband who acts that way. In his mind I am the one who is at fault for everything! So the nurses suggested that I no longer visit and take telephone calls from him. Only one of my daughters and her husband visit him and he is always in a good mood with them also telling them what a good place he is at. To me he says that he there is nothing wrong with him, that I have to take him back home as he says that the place is a hell. Not visiting him has given me less anxiety to deal with and he is less aggressive and frustrated. So this works for our family.

It's very hard and stressful. You need to look after yourself too.
I had similar situation getting blame for being in care,complaints about everything.
I now visit twice weekly on days that suit me.
I don't ask him anything or tell him anything. If he starts I make an excuse or say i am not discussing that and leave .it's kind of worked. Not perfect but bearable. Speak about films,the war,what happened years ago and current news.
He's got a lady friend which may be helping. That's about to end as she is being moved to another unit due to them not following rules and behaving like children. Locking themselves in toilet!!
Think I am supposed to object but don't. All a bad behaviour ploy. He thinks he will be put out. The poor lady is being manipated to his needs. He is going nowhere.

I think we have the same Dad! I agree with the others about limiting the visits. We have to take care of us first. It's not easy. I worry about my Dad everyday. I have not seen him since he charged me with his wheelchair, (over a month ago) all because a brother feds him with misinformation and because of his hatred for the idea of being in a nursing home. (All my fault) He is not rational at all. I do go up and take the newspaper but have someone else deliver it. And I get to talk to staff to see how he is. I always call the floor he is on the see how he's doing too. My father does participate in the activities so I know he is fine.

First of all, stop visiting so frequently.

When you go, arrive for visits with something to "do.". Maybe ask him to help you identify people in some old photos (be sure to agree with him no matter who he says it is). If that riles him up, maybe put out an easy puzzle and ask him to help you with it. Try to find something that will take his brain away from complaining and blaming.

The minute his anger starts to flare and he starts in on you, even if it's after only a few minutes, announce, "Oh, look at the time! I told _____ that I'd be home 20 minutes ago." AND LEAVE. Don't make it a threat ("I'm leaving if you don't stop hounding me."). There's nothing to be gained by that. Just be merrily on your way.

Good luck! I feel your pain.

I don’t have any suggestions. I just thank you for this question because it helps me see how common this is.
And someone saying their loved one gets all ramped up and manic when they don’t get enough exercise was helpful. My Dad walks all day up and down the halls. He is ramped up now because Christmas is coming.
It just helps to think of this as a stage and that it will someday end.
It has been going on for about 40 or 50 years though, before dementia. This is exactly like he was when drinking.

I like to think of us all as brothers and sisters with love for an impossible person.

Qwerty: Do not respond. Here's what I should have done with my late mother when she didn't want to cooperate. "I am Suzie, Suzie Sunshine. I do not and will not respond to any negativity and any negative or cross remarks. If you care to call me Hitler one more time, I will leave." If he wants to make absurd requests, then he can take them to Debbie Downer.

oh my goodness this sounds like MY dad. He lives alone and flat out told the doctor he’s doesnt want ANY help, no aides, refuses assisted living, and said he only needs “a sandwich” every 2 days or so. (He fails to see that I cook, clean, do his laundry, handle all his finances and bills, schedule his doctors and take him to appointments, fetch his 7 meds and refill, shop for his groceries and necessities, while working full time, taking care of my own home and kids(who are teens).
He is demanding, uncooperative, and is perpetually fixated on some little thing in his apartment that he wants to “fix” (the outlet is not straight, there’s a gap under the patio door, there’s an extension cord that’s visible behind the tv) all while he has not showered in about 3 months.
My advice- if your dad is causing stress in your life, then the his caregivers deal with him! Take a step back and let him miss you. Otherwise, you’re going to end up like me with a multitude of stress related physical ailments. As long as your dad is not throwing the aides out, you’re good!!! Accept the idea that they are there to make sure he’s safe and healthy..... and take care of yourself! Drop the guilt. Your dad is NOT making your life easy, and he’s not capable of changing his behaviors in his present condition. Alzheimer’s and dementia have a way of making our loved ones unrecognizable, and difficult to deal with. Let go of the idea that he will go back to the way he was... and look ahead to how you’re caring for YOU! He already has people taking care of him!!