I am just so very depressed over this whole situation with my Mom. I only wanted to give her the best life I could for her remaining years. I know that we never had that Mother/Daughter relationship that I so longed for all my life, but I also was not going to turn my back on her when she needed care. I tried everything and did everything in my power to take good care of her. I tried to build a relationship on nothing. Now she has been placed in a SNF and unfortunately can never return to my home. The allegations aren't worth the risk that she poses. I, as much as I should, cannot hate her. My heart aches for her and I just cannot understand why. When the accusations/allegations started last week, I was shocked, angry and hurt, but now I am just completely depressed. A lot of the people on this forum have been very supportive to me and I appreciate your advice. I guess I am grieving for myself and for something that I wanted more than anything ... A Mother.

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CSimmers, hope that things are looking better today. ((((Hugs))))))

The last thing I would do is visit Mom and tell her YOUR sorry. Its not your fault things are the way they are. Its her fault, for whatever reason, that things went the way they did. For now, I would stay away until at least the APS investigation is closed. Even then visits would be short and if she gets started I would leave. If she calls, tell her you cannot talk because you are now under investigation. She could take anything u say and twist around. Better u just don't pick up the phone.

When APS visits just keep calm and answer questions. Show proof of how Moms money was spent. The worst that would happen is if they find in favor of Mom and then they would have removed her from the house anyway. So, she just wrecked a good thing.

You are not the only person who deals with parents like this. There all lots of Caregivers on this forum dealing with the same thing. Wish I had known the words "personality disorder" 40 yrs ago. I would have been able to deal with a MIL and SIL a little better. What I was able to do was distance myself because they lived 2 days drive away. My SIL I did not talk to for 10 yrs. Didn't bother her. I think she actually thought it was funny. Have never understood why she doesn't like me. Worry about it no.

You have a good heart. But Mom does not know how to appreciate it. She doesn't know how to love someone. When things don't go her way, she lashes out, this time it turned on her. She now will be in a NH for the rest of her life, her FAULT not yours.

Her actions put her there. We all need to realize when enough is enough. You have done enough. You are grieving the loss of a mother. No different than if she had died. So grieve.

I’m so sorry.

Remember that grief takes a long time to heal.

You've been through the years-long wringer.

Give yourself time to heal.

Praying for you tonight.

C, we are here to support you. Your feelings are normal and you have a right to have even very mixed feelings here. Your Mom reported you to APS. You correctly understand you cannot care for her in your home any more. But you feel sad at her accusations and your limitations as well as her lack of understanding and appreciation. So you can honestly expect to bounce around from grief to anger to acceptance and back again.
Do let us know when APS is coming. Hold your temper. Crying is just fine; try to let that be the day the grief comes out. Let them know all you have been through. Be forthcoming. I hope you offer TEA and THEY offer the sympathy. Visit Mom. Tell her you are sorry, but you can't care for her at home. Let her know you will visit if that's what she wants.
Get help with your feelings if you need it.
Thinking of you and hoping for the very best.
Don't weaken. Living with you isn't good for Mom and it isn't good for you.

(((((((((hugs)))))))) cs. It's Ok to feel sad. Not having a nurturing mother is sad and at times, very hurtful and a very big thing to deal with in life. I think I grieved a lot of my adult life as I detached more and more from my personality disordered mother. You can't build a relationship with some people no matter how hard you try. I found substitute mothers along the way - not any one individual, but women who were supportive and the kind of mother I wished I had and wanted to be.

Feel your feelings. look after yourself. do some things that are special for you. Love yourself as you longed for your mother to love you.

I cared for my mother as I could - by arranging for her care by other people. When the end came I had no more sadness left in me, just relief for both of us. I think it is a good thing she cannot return to your home. Hands on caring of an abusive mother is too hard for anyone.

CS, of course you feel sad. You are grieving for the loss of your mom.

As long as you were helping her, you had hope that she would change and be the loving mom you always desired. Now, her actions burned that hope to ashes and removed her from your life, hopefully, permanently. (Only because she has proven she will destroy you if she can.)

The hardest part of your grief is she can resurrect at any given time. Makes it hard to process the loss and grief because you are always waiting for her to reappear.

Once you fully accept that she will never change, even if she calls in a week with Mrs. Nice and "loving" you will know it's only a manipulation tactic to gain her wants and desires, no matter what she says.

I recommend using all the head space she and her vile actions are using to do something with your family, go on a picnic, play games, do a project, whatever your family enjoys. Find positive activities to fill this space with.

I'm not saying don't grieve the loss of your mom, just don't let it consume your life. She doesn't deserve to steal anymore time from your family.

She made her decisions and choices, now she has to live with the crapping consequences that she created.

You will be okay, this will get easier and you will break free from her vile bonds of abuse.

Now plan that picnic in nature to help you get cleansed and balanced. Great big warm hug!

Almost no decision is irreversible. You said you’re incredibly sad. If some big change needs to be made, you can change again, and again, until you find a good solution you like. Hug!

I'm just feeling so incredibly sad. :(

Good for you! I am so glad to hear that your mom is in care, you are prioritizing YOUR mental and emotional health and that you are able to step back and see the big picture of all you’ve been through with your mom.

Well done!

I think you DID give your mother the best life you could've for as long as you were able, and that's something to be proud of; a real accomplishment! As far as having a good relationship with a mentally ill person, you can't get blood from a stone: remember that. I had a mother who made it impossible TO have a relationship with; she made it that way! We kept one another at arm's length distance b/c it was a necessity, at least for me. If I tried to get close to her, she'd push me away. She was unable TO be intimate and to allow herself to get close to anyone; me, my father, friends, anyone, really. It was HER shortcoming, in reality, not mine. I always longed for mother/daughter relationship, but one wasn't in the cards for me. It was what it was, and I was powerless to change it.

I don't think you 'should' hate your mother b/c she is incapable of BEING a mother in the true sense of the word. Don't expect anything from her, however, and you won't be disappointed in the future. Keep HER at arms length or even further away from your heart now, b/c you know what she's capable of doing! Mental illness takes many forms but one thing remains constant: YOU will bear the brunt of it!

It's fine to grieve what's been lost; what never was to begin with, really, and more importantly, what never WILL be between the two of you. Acknowledge it, and then move forward with YOUR life. Now that your mother is placed in a safe SNF, you can do that. You're allowed to. It's YOUR TURN to look after yourself now. It's okay to feel sad and depressed, but not for too long. If you do sink too low, get help/medication for that issue too, b/c you've spent long enough in the muck of the mire of HER issues! Look at it that way now. She's taken up ENOUGH of your time and head space, so for what time remains of her life, learn how to let her issues go, to the best of your ability, so you can focus on YOUR life!

Wishing you all the best.

I don't know. All I have received from The County Office for Senior Services was a call last Monday afternoon stating that there was an investigation for Elder Abuse. Nothing since then. That was after she was already transferred to the SNF. I believe that she will remain where she is currently staying. I am not thinking of taking her back into my home. That would not work because once home, I would begin to resent her and her doings. I know she is where she needs to be.

First of all, C, can you tell us how the APS investigations is going?
When will you be meeting with APS about your Mom?
Last we heard she was in Hospital accusing you of financial abuse.
You say that she is already now in SNF?
Will she go from this Skilled Nursing Facility to permanent placement somewhere else or will she stay at the SNF it being one of those with permanent placement facilities?
I would ask you not to second guess yourself on placement. This is one and done with her entering hospitalization accusing you of abuse, and your being investigated by APS. If you go back on this and take Mom back into your home I am afraid you will have little sympathy from any here, after all you have endured.
I would caution you to start looking on this as NOT abandonment of Mom and a reason to feel guilty but to look on it as grieving that you do not, never did, and never WILL have the magical thinking movie ending with Mom you always wanted.
I would seek help from a therapist. There is no way to do this on your own after years of being raised by someone who has trained you as you have been trained. You need the support as you move forward.
All of this said, you have a new life ahead of you. Pat yourself on the back as you move into it. It is well deserved. You will have tough time on a new path because your old ways of habitually acting and reacting were so well worn as a path that even though painful they represented the comfort of the "known". The new path with all its promise is the unknown, and will be at first uncomfortable.
NONE of this has anything to do with your "love" of your Mom. You can still love her and support her, learn not to argue with her, but just to support her, and you will have the blessing of being able to leave a visit in which she lets her abusive tendencies reign.
Remember, we can wish you well. We can support. We can tell you we are sorry, but we aren't trained, we can't be your REAL SUPPORT going forward. For that you need a professional. As we always say, don't come to us for legal advice; go to an attorney. Don't come for medical; see a doctor. And for yourself, get the professional help of a therapist to support you.
You will be so much happier. Trust me, as someone who has DONE therapy, it is so worth the confusion, the work, the change. It is SOOOOO worth it.
We wish the best for you, and for Mom as well. She may surprise you in adapting and adjusting.
Again, update us on how your case is proceeding with APS if you will.
You are too old to need a Mom now. You are all grown up, and the past can't be changed.
But you can BE a great Mom or substitute Mom to someone who needs support in future. You can do this. It's scary, but you can do it if you choose to.


Yes my therapist got back to me and I have an appointment with her tonight.

CS, ((((hugs)))).

Did your former therapist get back to you?

Having a lifetime of dealing with a mentally ill mom is a real disability.

I think the place to start is "it's not you;
It's her."

It's her mental illness, it's whatever abuse she suffered as a kid that makes her unable to love and to trust.

Not trying to be an armchair diagnostition, but look up Borderline Personality Disorder and see if it rings any bells.

Again, ((((hugs))))).

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