I was reading Janeinspain's post asking members if they ever used the 'grey rock' method with aging family members/siblings with personality disorders.
I also posted awhile ago about my narcissistic mother's upcoming surgery and how to keep the peace. Because I also have a narcissistic sister who is a '10' on the extreme side of the scale; back in May she put her hands on me and I had to teach her a lesson. What makes it worse, is that it had to do with me and MY friend and wasn't even about the welfare of our mother or grandmother (the two elders who have issues from time to time), I was driving at the time, and my mother who has neck problems (the reason for this particular surgery) was also in the car at the time of the attack! So, I had to pull over and literally take her down. All this, and my mother mostly cared about her welfare, not to mention she wouldn't admit my sister's fault (kept saying we were both at fault instead of seeing her sickness). In other words, they have been going along like all this was just one of 'those things' and all is back to 'normal', while I went grey rock ever since.
The problem is, my mother's surgery is next week and I feel my anger bubbling back up (this is years of buildup because of their recklessness), because though she claims she will be receiving after surgery care from the hospital, I asked her about it the other day and she is saying she hasn't spoken to them about it. Mind you, she has all her mental faculties, and she doesn't like for me to talk to her doctor issues (blames me for having my own life and thinks she is proving something with me). Trust, I don't want anything to do with any of it, especially after that last incident with her and my sister, but when she asked if I can bring her clothes the day of the surgery, I said 'Ok'. I also emphasized that I am very busy with both work and school, so post surgery care would need to be arranged. My problem is I let myself go to 10 when she said she still hasn't talked to them about the after care, even though she has been saying this is what would happen.
I believe she is still in the mindset that I am supposed to be doing it; not being realistic that I have a life separate from her. So, I believe she is thinking I'm supposed to fill in all the caregiving blanks for her. While the crazy sister lives down south (her next trip has to do with bringing her and my grandmother to a stupid Broadway show around New Year's with all this happening!), and the other sister is 100% grey rocking it.
Knowing this and that now she wants me to pick her up, made me feel like I'm being reeled in again, though I've been setting boundaries. Unfortunately, I yelled in the phone the to my mother (also after learning she still hasn't talked to the doctors about the postcare) that I have a lot on my plate; something about teamwork at both work and school, so I have alot of people to make arrangements with (she said sarcastically, 'teamwork'); this is why I can't stand trying to support them; I won't be in the same room with my sister should she ever show because I have to be worrying about my welfare while all I've been trying to do is support, etc. I forgot all about my mother was coming from one of her doctor appointments and was sitting in their waiting room, which is probably why she went silent. Then she asked for just having peace. I told her I agreed, but peace and silence are two different things (I honestly think it's been too much the opposite she and my sister have been doing to trust this). And that I wasn't angry, just being real with her.
So, once again I feel the dread of not just her upcoming surgery, but though she said her care will be taken of, she is starting to add things on my plate. While what I want to do is support more from a distance (like visit here and there). My only reason for agreeing to anything is I'm the only relative, and one with a car, who lives nearby. But I am also tired of the disrespect (cont.)