Today marks 4 month since my grandma passed away from a aeortic dissection. Her heart tore. I was her caregiver from age 20-22. Her death was preventable.
I had forgotten to take her to her doctors appointment in early January. I thought wouldn't be big deal to reschedule it a few weeks back. I didnt realize her blood pressure meds had stopped being prescribed. Two weeks later, I realized we were missing a pill. At the time, I understood the urgency. A pill mishap was how she had her last stroke. Any normal person would have immediately gone to the pharmacy to fix things, but I didn't..I waited for my mother to pick them up from work. She forgot. We figured pharmacy was closed. That morning, I procrastinate until the evening to finally pick them up. Grandma went to bed at seven. Now two days have gone by. I was unemployed, I had nothing to do all day except that. This entire time I was aware of the danger, but still waited to until next morning to give them to her. I even woke up that morning thinking "hope grans okay". Proving I was aware of the danger, but did not act. A pill the night before could have saved her but I didn't give it to her, instead was out drinking. She died that next morning. A "heart attack"-like attack of pain that could've have been avoided if I had just shown the proper concern. I had so many opportunities to do the right thing
If I was aware that her life was in danger, why I did I keep procrastinating? Did I not think her life was important? I showed complete apathy. I was running away from my responsibilities those week, I procrastinated on giving her dinner, I started crying each time i had to take her to bathroom in middle of the night, I even left her in house alone while I took walk. I never used to do that. I knew these things were wrong. What I was I thinking. I turned into monster. Instead, that month, I was spending more and more evenings hooking up with a guy, drinking, obsessed with how my makeup looked, completely self absorbed desperate to feel like a 22 year old and ignore real life. Weakening out my conscience each time I did. And causing me to avoid her due to guilt
That was a rough winter, I had dropped out of school, quit my job, and was trying to get over this compulsive skin picking disorder. I think, instead of turning me more caring, I let my misery turn me narcissistic. I even realized my caregiving was compromised, but was did not value her enough to realize shed be better off with another person taking over. I was totally obsessed with my own life experiences. I kept saying I'll circle back to gran and be better caregiver when I get more functional. When did I decide my bullshit was more important than her actual life sustaining needs? Became too comfortable putting her needs on the backburner. All I had to do is dl the right thing, I had days to do it, and still avoided it.
Ironies followed, felt like I was only capable caregiver, yet it would have been better off had I not been around, was tired from not getting full nights sleep, now I've had same nightmare for 4 months, wanted to get back into school to get life back on track, now I spent my days in bed. As if any of that BS ever mattered, the most important person I had who I was responsible for, I not only let down, I caused her to miss the spring, miss her 90th birthday, I dont know where she went, shes gone. Yet, here I am months later, self absorbed in my guilt, completely lost. Foolish and evil in truth, always was worried something like this would happen. Hate knowing she left this world due to lack of care from her own family. Hate knowing I was capable of this level of heartlessness. She had taken care of me my whole life and this is how I repayed her. She deserved better and hate to know what she'd think of my actions and how betrayed she'd feel.