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Back story... I had been living with, and taking care of my elderly mom for 6 years in AZ, she didn't have dementia or anything, but needed looking after. A couple years ago she sold her house, moved in with my sisters back east, so that she would have more people looking after her....(which I was good with, made sense to me...)
Last November she came for a visit, had Thanksgiving together and all, except for a slight stomach issue she did real good, feeling good.... was set to fly home the next day, (this was on a Saturday) then, later that day I noticed something was really wrong. She didn't look right, weak, and pain in her left arm. I called 911, they took her to the local hospital, I followed and when I got there, the ER nurse said she's actively having a heart attack and is being flown to the city hospital that has a cardio unit. She made it there, got a stint put in, survived all that surprisingly, her being 88 years old and an ex smoker. My sister came in from back east the next day, (thank goodness) we knew mom would be in no condition to fly anywhere, so was planning on spending Christmas together here in AZ. Mom was still weak, not eating much, but was doing better and was being moved to a less critical room right by cardio unit (this was on Tuesday now). One nurse came in and talked to all of us about the next steps, a couple more days in the hospital, then to PT till she was strong enough to travel. Mom was disheartened, saying she didn't want to spend another night there, that it frightened her, she just wanted to go home. We tried to be encourage, said she had to do little steps. We did get her moved, and she started saying she was in pain. The nurse tried getting her BP, but couldn't. A team came in, they rushed her to radiology, found a blood clot moved from her groin, (where they went in with the stint) to her leg. They were getting her ready for surgery, we were just talking to the Doctor who was going to do it, when there was a code blue in ER that she had to go to (she looked like a deer in headlights, knowing she had to leave our mom). Now, mom is in serious pain, we don't know why no one gave her anything for the pain, took everything we had for me and my sister to hold her down to keep her from taking off her leads, kept telling her they'll be back soon to take her pain away, and she just writhed in pain saying it hurt, it hurt. Finally they came back, put her under, and took her up to surgery. We knew the risk, we knew there was a chance she might not survive, and when we heard the code blue in surgery, we knew what happened. They tried, but mom didn't make it.
Now I'm living with blaming myself, (cuz she died on my watch) the "what ifs" (I should have spent the nights with her, and encouraged her more maybe she would have made it) and seeing her in pain over and over again in my mind.

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Pegacorn, you did all you could. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your feelings as I watched my mom suffer a horrific death while in hospital hospice. It was the worst imaginable experience ever. I still feel guilty wishing I could have done more to ease her pain. I relied on the doctors and nurses to administer the proper dose of pain medication although it never seemed to control my mom's pain. I understand completely what you are going through and you seem like such a caring, loving individual just by your compassion in your words. Please know that you did all you could and it was not your fault. Your mom was so lucky to have you as a daughter. I'm here if you need to talk or vent. I understand.
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I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved mother is a special kind of pain. Please don’t get mired in blaming yourself. There was nothing you could do to change what happened, it was just her appointed time, we all have one. My dad asked his cardiologist yesterday (he has end stage congestive heart failure) about what to expect from here on and was told “many people at your age die everyday, we have no way of predicting who live pass on and who won’t” Dying is truly a part of living and is often not predictable. It just breaks our hearts. I wish you peace and the comfort of good memories
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Your mother had a very difficult time in her final days and it was a difficult time for you to witness her last days. I am sorry for your loss. Her passing was no fault of yours. Continually blaming yourself and wondering "what if" will haunt you the rest of your life. If she passed away at 110 you could still say "what if". Please seek out help in reconciling your grief, it prevents you from living your life. Maybe your church can suggest a grief support group. Call your local AZ Area Agency on Aging, they may be able to offer support. There are some good books on grief and grieving. "The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving" by Deborah Holland is good. Check with your local library for books on the subject. You did what you could, I wish you luck.
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I am so sorry for your loss of your mother, Peg. Her death was not your fault, it was her time to go. Please do not blame yourself. She is at peace now and I believe you will see her again some day. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. May you find comfort with your special memories of your dear mother. I was told by the doctors my father had two years to live, he died in four days. I was devastated when he died, but felt relief he was not suffering and was at peace. I get comfort knowing I will see my dad again in a better world than this one. I think you would benefit from a grief professional. I had a hospice councilor when my brother died and the 5 week sessions were very helpful and comforting. I look back, and my brother of 66 years of age lost so much weight due to cancer, he was so sick and I was heartbroken, but I was relieved when he was called home to be with the Lord. May the Lord give you strength, peace and comfort. Hugs to you.
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