In 2015 my mother died after fighting cancer. I took care of her the last year when things were the worst. One brother moved back into the home at that time because my parents let him stay for $200 rent and asked he cook meals(he was going to culinary school). Right after mom died I started to notice my dad needing more care and began taking him to all doctor appointments, changed his diet to help with medical issues, made him a pill box weekly etc. He now has moderate dementia and needs help with even more daily activity. Uses walker, recent pacemaker out in and on and on...he’s 84. Recently my brother had a health scare and moved out saying caring for my dad was too much stress for him! I was doing everything for my dad other than sleeping in his house at night and making dinner! Another brother hates me for many reasons (I’m executor of will, call him on his alcoholism etc) and doesn’t help. My sister lives 10 hours away and can’t offer any help though she is going to start coming for a week every couple months to give me a break. I am only 39 and feel like this is sucking the life out of me! I feel terrible for my husband who has to listen to me go on rants about my stress and how horrible I feel my brothers are. I feel like I’m neglecting my home, dog, work etc. My dad won’t move into a retirement community/assisted living. My husband thinks we should move him into our house, but as terrible as this sounds, I don’t want him there! I need some type of personal sacred space...and he’s stinky. Lol! Anyway, this is exhausting and I don’t see any way to improve my situation. Just have to grin and bare it ya know?

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Do not bring Dad into your home.

Darling Billsdaughter39
Caring for our loved ones is hard, regardless of our training or lack thereof.
You are doing the best you can. Don’t put an extra burden on yourself that just because you have mental health training that it should be easier for you.

Each layer of help you have makes a difference. So it’s great you have help coming in and that your sister is going to try to help too. And get therapy for yourself if you can.

Come here and vent anytime you need to.

I’m hoping you come to peace in regards to your brother with his addiction. It won’t help you or your dad for you to give him a hard time. It probably won’t help your brother. He knows what he needs to do. Let him go. It’s his life he’s trying to live. You have enough to deal with. I’m sorry if I’m out of line to suggest that. We see many people here who spend their precious emotional energy trying to control the actions of their siblings. You can’t do it. It doesn’t work.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

That's good that you were able to get some home care. Even a few hours a day helps. Could you get respite or would he attend adult day care?

You don't sound like a victim, you just sound like a loving daughter that's getting burned out and tired.

I don't think moving him in is a good idea. You and your husband do need space and to be able to have time for your marriage and each other, and you are already doing a lot to help your dad. I agree too about the family meeting. You and your siblings should sit down and discuss your dad's care with dad present, and come up with a plan as to what the next steps will be, but I would be clear that you cannot do everything.

I have just arranged for home care to come each weekday, 3 hours per day while I am at work to ensure his needs are met and to help with light housekeeping. I stay with him 4 nights per week and one brother 3 nights “if he can”. We have had family meetings and it seems to do nothing-one brother is not in agreement with me about how much care he needs, one brother simply doesnt care what I have to say because he hates me and sister tries to convince them to see the truth/not treat me like crap but she’s so far away it’s useless. My husband asked what they would do if I just stopped caring for my dad and the answer is nothing. They wouldn’t put anything else in pace for him, they wouldn’t take time from their work, they wouldn’t stay with him. I don’t want to sound like I’m a victim, but this is just not fair! Funny thing is...I’m a clinical Social Worker and licensed therapist!

Does he have the resources to have an aide come to his home, either full-time or part-time? It sounds like it would be overwhelming for you to continue caregiving, and I imagine that you must feel so burnt out. At 39, you are so young to feel like this way. You need to consider your health and well-being right now. is there any way to hold a family meeting so the burden of caregiving doesn't fall exclusively on you? You have 2 brothers and 1 sister, right? I agree that taking him into your house is not a wise idea. This seems like a family decision to me, don't put all the burden on your shoulders!