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I've read a lot of questions on this forum asking how to deal with a LO who can no longer live alone but doesn't want to move or accept caregivers into his/her home, and I wonder what my reaction will be.


I'm only 53, but I remember my mom being 53 like it was yesterday. She's 80 now and in advanced stages of AD. The 53 yr-old me is thrilled at the prospect of living at any of the fabulous IL or AL facilities I've visited for my mom, but what about 80 yr-old me? Will I become stubborn and self-centered? Will I reject all attempts to help me be safe and cared for if it impacts my feeling of self worth? The answer is probably "yes" to both questions.


Watching my mom's decline has impacted my perspective, and I don't want my family to wonder later on if they're doing the right thing (even if 80 yr-old me is screaming at them), so I've started talking about it with my wife and two boys (18 & 19).


Has anyone else had a change in perspective after caring for a LO?

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My plan is pretty easy. Pull the plug on my dialysis and die a couple of days or weeks later.
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Me either. I hope that I am able to be reasonable and that I can carve a little niche for myself either in my own place or AL. If I lose my ability to manage my Type I diabetes, it will be the end of it for me. Type one is very evil and mine is particularly difficult. I can't imagine even a nurse on the premises would be able to handle it.

Whenever, I visit a AL, MC or NH, I look at it through the eyes of a perspective resident......thinking, would I be happy here? Is it really like a home?
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I have thought a lot about this. I am 64 years old and already I have noticed more of a dependence on my "familiar" surroundings. I used to love to visit away and felt at home almost anywhere I went. Not so much anymore. If I go away I am anxious to get back. I fear that the longer I wait to move into smaller more elder friendly surroundings the harder it will get. My husband agrees.

We are in the process of downsizing, selling our home and considering a local apartment complex that has sliding scale units which is handicapped/elderly friendly. The complex also has an AL section, should that be needed someday. We both expect to work as long as we can and the money we get from out house we will invest for our later years.

Neither my husband nor I want to live long enough to become so invalid that we need full time care. We are looking into what that might mean especially in the event of dementia. Neither of us are ready to make decisions around that, we are just looking into possibilities. I know this, I will not put my kids through what we are going through regarding elder care expectations.

Finally, on a socially and eco responsible note I think it is a huge waste of resources to keep elders in homes meant for a family. To me the world is completely upside down when young families are unable to afford homes to raise their kids and build their own financial equity, yet all efforts are being made to keep single elderly or even couples in multi bedroom houses that they don't need and can no longer sustain. I never hear anyone talk about that.
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Since I don't have children, I had to make those "rainy day" plans, and now I am holding hostage my retirement fund for when the time comes.

I've been downsizing "stuff" in the house and it is great to see the basement floor once again. Gave sig other's grown daughter my Dept 56 Snow Village as it has become just too much work to set up now that I have gotten older. And now I fully understand for the first time why my parents had limited holiday decor when they were in their 70's.... carrying boxes up from the basement isn't easy.

My issue is that my sig other is not on board. He wants to stay in a "house". I rather be in Independent Living and be around people from my own age group. My Dad had a very nice 2 bedroom condo at a senior facility which worked out very well. He was so thrilled not to have to deal with stairs :)
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I have regular conversations with my son about this topic. I am the same age as you, single and my kids are a bit older. My parents are older too, luckily no dementia yet.

I have very firm boundaries and have clearly stated to me kids that I do not have any expectation of them looking after me. I may go kicking and screaming, but they are to ignore that and place me where I am safest when the time comes.

I do have a letter, written to my older self outlining this. whether or not I will comprehend it at the time I do not know, but my kids will know my wishes.

Steps I am currently taking:
Decluttering my house.
Have all my paperwork in order
Looking to build an accessible suite in home down the road. This will provide some income too.
Looking to build a new house at the vacation property that can be easily used by the kids and their families. This will be their primary inheritance.
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Several years ago my brother and I were talking about this.

Not specifically about moving from a family home into a “retirement community” but in general, how
life can really suck when one reaches the point in their Golden Years when they can no longer live the life they worked so hard to create for themselves and for their spouse. When your body begins to fail and worse - when your mind begins to go.

One topic that came up specifically - was what so many people say - the making of a plan to end it all before one finds themselves sitting in a dirty Depends in a nursing home, unable to recognize their own family or even themselves.

Just how do you prepare for that?

I’ll never forget what my brother said:
“The problem is - by the time you reach that point, you’re too far gone to know - that you’ve reached that point”.
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I’m already thinking of the future. I am 60 years old and told my kids that if anything happens to their father I will make plans to go into IL. I will no doubt still be working for years to come, hopefully. I told my kids they will not be responsible for me.
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My plan is to move to an urban area with more supports when I am in my mid 70's, not because I will need it then but because I will (hopefully) have the physical and mental stamina to choose what is best for my needs and make the move. If I fail to follow through and wait until I "have to" move I'm afraid I would be just like every problematic senior on this forum, constantly adjusting the line.
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Me, I am already thinking about when I will move into IL...to start...I want to be waited on 24/7, make new friends, do activities and so on.

I have financially planned for this move, although I am not quite ready yet, I figure in another 10 years...I will be...I am 72 now.

Certainly would like to avoid a nursing home, but I will roll with whatever happens.

I am a very independent person, always have been, I plan to continue my journey on the same path.
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Not me, I won’t fight anything. I never, ever, ever want to burden my children. I know what it feels like to give up decades of my life to care for my parents. No way in hell will I do that to my kids.

I would like to downsize now! Can’t get my husband on board with it. Why do we need to live in this big house anymore? Our daughters are on their own now. Mom is with my brother now after living here for 15 years. I would be perfectly happy in a small condo!

I have no issues with an assisted living facility. I hope I die before I would need to have continual care in a nursing home but so be it if that happens.
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