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In terms of undergirding you so that you will be able to run on as a caregiver, I offer the following suggestion: There is a ministry in Colorado Springs, Colorado by the name of ANdrew Womack ministries. He has a daily television and radio broadcast that covers a variety of topics and is scripturally based.
My favorite series is entitled, "harnessig your emotions". All of his broadcasts are archived on his website and available on-demand, whenever it's convenient for you, free of charge.
His website is www.awmi.net. Once you get to the website, please click on the tab entitled "TV Broadcasts", and then go to the left hand column under "podcasts" and click on 2001 archives, and then go down to weeks 33 and 34. You will find two weeks worth of 30 minutes broadcasts that I believe will encourage you tremendously.
Try it and see - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. My personal experience was that watching the teaching on harnessing your emotions was extremely uplifting in a substanital and longlasting way.
I will keep you in my prayers. We caregivers and former caregivers have to stick together. (smile)
.recommendation
The other very real thing in the situation you describe is to allow and accept that you will have days of mourning long before your loved one ever dies, and it is quite ok to experience those moments of reality and healing tears. Don't think about others and what all they think you need to be doing and where you need to be; just allow yourself to be in the present moment, including with your emotions. It is so healthy and so healing.
May God bless you and your dear Mom. As I see my own caregiving journey, this is an opportunity of a lifetime that will never come my way again. It is worth it to me even if I have to start all over in my life, which is 99 percent certain at this point. No one has forced me to do this, and if my parent dies before I do, I shall have no regrets. Same as I felt when my Dad died. The only thing that remains is eternal love.
You are not alone, as you can tell from the answers which precede my own reply. Many of us wholeheartedly understand the feelings you have shared in your post. Proud of you for expressing your feelings of pain.