Difficult family dynamics forcing decision to move Mother from our home to NH. Mother has been with DH and I for over a year.

Sorry to hear that Madge! I think there are probably crazies on both sides of the coin. My mother stripped my brother of all his legal power over her because he threatened her that if she moved into our house that he would never come see her and that he would only see her at her old house which is next door to my oldest sister. If I were you I would just spend time with your mom and forget about your crazy controlling brother. Take her to lunch or to the store. Just something she might enjoy. You could read to her if she likes that. My siblings threatened to sue my husband and I, said that we had killed my father because we helped our mother take him out of a nursing home, now they are saying that if he had had his surgery at a different hospital he would still be alive. It's just all really crazy stuff and I don't hear you saying anything like that. I do have to say though that it isn't a caretaker's job to invite you to help. You have to initiate the help and remember that you are doing it for your mom not your brother.

Madge1, I am so sorry about your brother's behavior. I keep my sisters informed of everything going on in Mom's life. It would be hard not to, as they are here every evening for a couple of hours and most weekends. I don't want to isolate them from our Mother. I don't get paid for taking care of her and that would never enter my mind. We are blessed that whatever medicare doesn't pay we are able to provide. In many cases I don't like or Mom doesn't like the equipment and we buy our own; ie. transporter wheelchair, first class fully electric bed and her daily supplies. Asking for help seldom works, the response is normally along the lines that we invited Mother into our home and I should just deal with it. We wanted Mother here to rehab before going home; however, she declined quickly and is now only able to feed herself and is totally incontinent. My sisters refuse to discuss long range plans. My home is not a public facility opened 24/7 for them to come and go at their whim and this is a real sore spot for them. God bless!

That was well said and should be used for all caregivers taking care of a LO at home My home is not a public facility open 24/7. Very good!

I gave up on the open house here and only allow weekend visits, my husband and I have a life too, without them disrupting it when "they" want to. Moms doctor told me all company should work "around me" not "around them." How do you all deal with letting in siblings that critisize, I dont even want them in my house but I have to . I hate the fact that they put me down and dont participate in her care at all.

I wish I had an answer to that one. I have two who do nothing but criticize. Everytime they come around I get the third degree from my brother's girlfriend and from my oldest sister. My brother just hides behind them both, but he isn't fooling anybody...especially me. I just let most of it slide and when I can't take anymore I remind them that mom has a doctor and that we are going to do what the doctor says as long as mom is feeling well. It's especially hard on my siblings because I am the baby of the family. The one that they have never had to give any respect to...yes....that one.

The two criticizers are the ones who help the least. Your mother is blessed to have you and I'm sure she knows that you may have been the only one able and willing to do the job. Mom's know their kids inside and out. If she doesn't realize it then some others will. Maybe not the family brats, but the people who count. It's really wonderful what you are doing.

We don't care to have them in our house either; however, it is the only way Mother can visit and I can't keep her from seeing family. We basicially make ourselves scarce during visiting hours which really ticks off my dh. It causes alot of stress. I've tried meetings with a social worker twice and both times a total mess. Sisters are very emotional people and immediately turn any conversation itno how they feel and how the situation affects them. So you can well imagine how they react when trying to make long range plans for Mother. I've distanced my emotions and am trying to give Mother the best quality of life possible. I'm told I don't care ...hello...who is here 24/7 doing the things we all do for our LO. They start out "oh my Momma", then the tears and then the accusations. One or the other leaves the room several times crying I can't deal with this and then they come back and glare at me and make some comment about why we need to talk aout these depressing subjects. By then the social worker is totally frustrated because she can't control the meeting, even given the list of issues I want addressed. This has happened 4 times. Mother is oblivious to all of this because her usual response is not to upset the girls because they are fragile or she is afraid they will get really mean and embarrass the family...after all they work full time and it is such a strain for them to visit her like they do and she doesn't want anything to make them mean to me, "the other" daughter. Wish I had the time to write a book...lol!

i'd like to wrtie a book not because i like the subject matter but to get it off my chest and give a copy to my sister. What this thread is saying is that you don't have to ba open 24/7 for family members. Even hospitals and nursing homes have set visiting hours that they adhere to. People on this thread are suggesting that people create visiting hours that work for the caregivers not the visitors.

Careful, thank you, I will never put my Mom in a NH, we have a hoyer lift being delivered tomorrow, I am excited and hope it works well.
LIttletonway, doesnt your Mom know they are crying or upset? Thats just wrong and they need to make Mom feel good, not depressed, geesh how sad. My Mom doesnt even know me or my siblings but she knows the love around her, touch and singing to her is her life now, along with eating! lol
Oh, and occasionally she will mutter out my name and surprise me!

touch singing smiing, humming, walking, eating, napping, gibberish, hugs, rubs, handholding is my mom's life now. our LO can sense what we are feeling;. they are looking to us for assurance and reassurance, love, cuddles...

hoyer lifts work great; just gotta get used to working with it

"they are looking to us for assurance and reassurance"
Perfect ! Exactly what many of them did for us through our whole childhood and the reason I could never turn my back on her and walk away in her time of need.Believe me she knew her son was with her every day until she passed away 6 months ago even though she was end stage Alzheimers and couldn't talk for the past few years.

The fact that your sisters are vocal about their thoughts and feelings could be a good thing for the future. (looking for a silver lining here!) You've got a better idea of their approach and how they will probably act in the future as opposed to someone who doesn't express themselves. Because you know how they feel and what they are capable of, you can better prepare.

The opposite would be what I experienced in my family. It is a long, sad and shocking story, concerning my mother's treatment and care for early dimentia & a lack of eating (starving to death) while "temporarily" rehabing in a NH. My brother and sister and I let it be known how we felt about a specific health care procedure. Bro & sis were opposed to the procedure (my sister adamantly opposed), my father said he didn't understand and therefore didn't have an opinion yet, and I was not opposed to considering the procedure as an option. Those thoughts were expressed only once in a very brief conversation (my mother excluded). Weeks later, without a family discussion, further information gathering or warning, my sister started the ball rolling in making sure the procedure was not done...that her wishes were carried out. My father, who was heavily influenced by her sales pitch & manipulation, reluctantly went along with my sister's wishes. I didn't learn about their secretive decision making and informing medical personnel that the procedure was not to be done, until months later. My mother never returned home from "temporary" rehab. She died a week-and-a-half after my sister started her secret campaign to make sure the procedure was not done. IMO my mother didn't have to die when & where she did or how she did. That was my sister's doing, due to her uninformed and biased, self centered views...behind the scenes...in the shadows.

My mistake was not realizing how motivated my sister was in getting her way. If she had been more openly vocal about her feelings and sooner, my red flag would have gone up. But, since she kept her mouth shut to me (her opponent), I had no idea she would go to such lengths to make sure her desires were realized. I was out manuevered.

So, it could actually be a blessing (in a weird way) that littletonway's sisters are so expressive.with their opinions. They probably couldn't keep anything a secret from the rest of the family, including the important stuff.

waddle1,
By 'procedure' do you mean a feeding tube? Then the fast track called comfort care?
Ending ones life in this manner should be done with everyone involved having a clear understanding of what will take place.
Unfortunately as of late many times it is being taken out of the families control and the decisions are being made by the health care system and a group of doctors.Welcome to our cold new world.
I fought for my mother for 7 years (POA) but "they" won this past January.

suze and cautious, oh how true, they just love the love dont they! Ok Suze our family all participated as we got mom into bed with the hoyer lift last night, first time! We sang Da da da da da da da da (Olympics song) as we hovered her over and laid her down. She was awesome and hasnt gotten on the bed so smoothly in about 2 years now with my husband and I both lifting her while trying to not break out backs and keep the bedpads in place. I do have to get used to that lever letting her down not too fast thou, any tips appreciated, thanks!

Yay reverseroles! I'm hanging in there too, but somedays it is just TOUGH! I try to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel and know that someday I will be so glad that I did all that I could. My mother is fully alert and mobile, but can be a little dark cloud floating around my house if you know what I mean? I think they'll be able to use me in the CIA when this is all over with cause I won't crack or at least they won't know I have! LOL!

The lever; i think you just have to practice doing it slowly.....with practice i'm sure yu will get it. I saw my neighbors caregiver do it all the time and she just pressed or lifted, whatever she did, gently.
I don't know if some of your comments were directed at me aka suze????? I hope I helped, if not I am so glad that the hoyer lift is working well for you. I think its a dream machine after watching my friend and her mother and caregiver move a 200 lb man from bed to wheel chair to porta potty. More good luck to you.

suzmarie, yes thank you. I do need help with one thing if your friend can answer it thou. When I hoyer my Mom into her wheelchair, I have to still lift her on and off the toilet. If I used a commode in the bedroom and hoyered her onto that, do I put the hoyer sling on her waist-down naked. and how do I get her pants back on? Any help out there, I am lost as to how to do this when a person still uses the toilet and cannot walk. Thanks!

Part of the hoyer has two nets the LO can sit on and be lifted; one of them should have a hole in it for transport to the porta potty; the 2nd net would not have ahole. So you have to roll the patient to one side then the other to get the net with the hole under them...Does that answer your question?

Not exactly, How do I get her pants up and diaper on without standing her?

I remove Mother's diaper/pants while she is still in bed. Then replace them when she is back in bed. My Mother is unable to stand more than a very few second with support.

Littletonway, thank you. Do you wash your mom in bed or ? Put her in the hoyer sling from bed with diaper on? Bring her back naked in hoyer? You are helping me, I hope you dont mind me asking. Here is my routine . I pull mom up out of bed by lifting because I dont want to put the hoyer under her when she is leaking urine.(Plus it kills my back to try and roll a large resistant woman to put the hoyer sling under her) Then I wheelchair her into the bathroom, I lift her again onto toilet to bathe her (she normally has her BM when on toilet). I have her hold onto a bar we put up with one hand (only one hand works) ,up and down to quickly pull up her pants with her sitting inbetween seconds as she also cannot stand more than a second IF THAT. Then I need to lift her again and place her back in wheelchair on sling. After breakfast I hoyer her into her recliner and back out later for bathroom time again. I then lift on and off toilet again. Then back into wheelchair, out to kitchen for supper, pills and singing time, then bathroom AGAIN, and then hoyer her into bed. If you can help me avoid lifting you will be my saint. My arms are aching and trying to turn her in bed to change her or put the sling on caused my back to hurt yesterday. I think I need a hospital bed, thats next. Thank you and sorry to use someone elses's posting to ask you. Love all ideas!!!!

A fully electric hospital bed is a must. Mother resisted it but I convinced her it would be easier for her to get to the wheel chair and she likes having her head inclined. We used large wedge pillow prior to the hospital bed for inclinbg head and feet. It is an upcharge of $35.oo per month that is not paid by medicare. We do not have hoyer, Mom can still pull herself up with walker and my help and then just turn to sit on potty, wheelchair or onto sofa. The electric bed is a big help for my back..not so much bending over.

I have much respect and admiration for all of you, especially you that also have such physical chores to aid/assist your parents. And you write about it with such positive attitudes. It has to be done so you do it. You are all such good people. God bless you.

Thank you Only1of3, wish siblings appreciated us, lol. Littleton, I ordered the hospital bed. I have an electric bed now that I can put the head and feet up and I love it, but it doesnt come up high, straight and flat to roll her so I am told this is a good thing. I also have to pay the up charge to not get a crank on the end for this. I cannot convince my Mom of things as she is late stages severe dementia and doesnt understand , she doesnt even know she is in a hoyer. Thanks!