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Laceysterror Posted June 2019

Just need to vent a bit...

Today was not a good day to visit daddy. He was in a bad mood, he was irritable. I took him down to bingo this morning and I could tell he wasn't really interested even though he won 3 times...Took him outside for a bit to the courtyard and he kept letting his foot droop and it kept getting caught on the ground, so he wanted to go back to his room. Got him there and got him in bed and I saw the way they had to get him up and I realized his legs have gotten worse since he's been there, and he's been refusing physical therapy. I have him back on their list to get him going again and I have told him over and over that he needs to go with them when they come but they can't make him go if he doesn't want to. I get so upset when I have to leave but I can't stay more than an hour because of my back hurting so bad plus I run out of things to try and converse with him and it's not easy talking or understanding him. It's just so draining and with the fatigue I already have, by the time I get home I am so worn out. Also today I drove up the home and there was a man laying on the pavement and his wheelchair toppled over, I immediately ran over to him and thank goodness he was ok but it scared the bejesus out of me. Then when I was leaving a guy was trying to get in a chair from his wheelchair and he was about to fall and bust his ass but thankfully I caught him before he fell. And to top all this off, daddy almost choked to death yesterday. He was eating lunch and he started choking - thank God one of the CNAs was in the room with us....scared me and momma to death. I mean how much more can I take? I have debilitating back pain that keeps me from doing anything so my basic outings are up to see daddy and doctor's appointments...it's a never ending cycle...God I've wrote a book, sorry ya'll, but I had to get it out. Thanks for reading all this if you did, I really don't have anyone I can talk to..

Laceysterror Jul 2019
Thank you for your kind words, and you know that's something I actually didn't think about - I'm not responsible for his happiness. You're right so why do I still feel guilty? I think it's mostly because I was the one that signed him in and if he knew that he would likely disown me. He thinks momma signed him and everytime he see us, it's the same questions and statement 'when can I come home, how much longer do I have to stay here" and I feel bad lying to him. I just am having a hard time reconciling my heart and my brain to both realize he's in a good place and that I needn't worry so much...

Thank you all so much for your consideration and thoughtfulness - it means so much to me.

AlvaDeer Jul 2019
So very very sorry. But I need to say this. You are not responsible for your Father's happiness. Not everything in life is about "happy" and he may never be happy in this situation. It isn't perfect, but it is the best you can all do at present. You are responsible for your happiness, and you may need to access an hour or two of time with say a Social Worker who works with life change situations. You need to give your mind respite from all this whether through something restful that is a zen for you, knitting, needlework, museum visit, sit in the park and watch kids play, lunch out even with yourself for company. Podcasts, books on tapes, reading, mindless comedy or movie. You cannot let your mind sink into the endless rotation of something without an answer. Your Dad may never be truly "happy" again. There honestly is not a whole lot to be happy about in his situation. So very sorry for all the pain you all are enduring.

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earlybird Jul 2019
And I thought I had a bad day. Oh my goodness. I am stressed reading your post. Boy I hope things get better for you. Many blessings! Send me a post anytime. I will be glad to listen.

anonymous272157 Jul 2019
My goodness!  I hope all your visits aren't that stressful.  How often do you visit?  I didn't visit right away, because I got another bout of bronchitis and did not want her to catch it.  Big hugs!  You probably aren't over all the caregiver stress yet.

Lizzy17 Jun 2019
I completely understand what you are talking about. This can be a freaking frustrating journey, especially if going in alone.

Always feel free to say how you feel, sending hugs.

anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Gosh, that is a lot to deal with in a couple days. Just keep in mind that elderly are going to have a misstep or choking episode occasionally... (as my mother herself did). If you report the "almost falling" incidents (when they happen) to staff, it is helpful cuz then they will restrict the patient's activities (outside especially), or get a new evaluation. But if you just help the patient & say nothing, it may keep happening. Your stress will make (your) pain worse, so try & unwind before & after your visits. I'm a terrible crybaby with pain, & I'm sorry that you're hurting like that.

TNtechie Jun 2019
So sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I also have back pain and I know when you're enduring a bad stretch the pain makes everything else so much harder. And it is so hard to see your father struggling; and even harder to see him not even trying.

I would encourage you to try to look at things a little more from your father's perspective. Strokes are very depressing events; often people can recover function with PT but are too depressed to really get with the program. They need outside encouragement and treatment for the depression. Instead of talking with your father at this point, could you read the local paper to him? Or watch some television? My dad had a few favorite comedies he liked. Does your father have a sport or team he follows? My father also like singing so I would sing some of his favorite songs, sometimes he would listen and sometimes he would even join in (singing is easier than talking post stroke). Massaging his stroke side hand and gently extending each finger might make your father feel better too. If your father is resistant to PT, maybe you could find out the schedule and time your visit to be there to encourage him or maybe accompany him to PT if your back allows.

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