Feeling like a horrible horrible person...

Thank you, Jeannegibbs ("You are a person who did a horrible thing while challenged beyond the limits of your patience."). Dad has been gone 4 months now, and I still reflect on the few times we exchanged harsh words. I was with him when he passed, and I apologized for everything I could think of, even from when I was very young. I'm very sure he forgave me, and I've forgiven myself. It would be nice not to have those memories, but they're a reminder to me now to be so very careful of my words and tone whenever I'm talking with anyone. At 84 yo, Dad was still able to teach me something.

I agree with Barb. Once you have crossed into "I hate what I just did/said/thought about" I think it's time for placement. You've had too much already, and you need to protect YOU from bad feelings about YOU, not to mention your husband.

You don't need to make a big announcement to him, you just go visit the facilities with or without him, and if he asks why we are here? Well, we have to make plans for our future, no arguments even if he tries. When you make YOUR decision, and you take him to leave him, why am I here? Then you explain that he needs to stay here for therapy until he gets better.

She, if I recall, you are caring for your husband who is verbally abusive to you. Your response is sort of expected, don't you think?

Is he on meds? Does his doctor understand the depth of his agitation and abuse, and that he will HAVE to go to a facility?

Why didn't walking away help? Did he physically force you to stay in the room?

That would be a line in the sand for placement, for me.

You are not selfish, not self pitying and not me me me. Those are someone else's words.

Who are you referring to? This is vague so here’s a vague answer. Two o’clock is the feline nap time. You both got cranky.

Hugs She1934 😉💜

Chin up, She1934! Tomorrow is a new day and your husband is lucky to have such a loving wife. Hoping for a calm, happy weekend for you both.

You are not a horrible person! You are a person who did a horrible thing while challenged beyond the limits of your patience. Can you think of one thing you might try differently next time? If we can learn from our mistakes and least they aren't a total loss.

Sometimes memory problems can work in favor of the caregiver. Will your husband have forgotten this episode by tomorrow? Can you go on as if it never happened?

I don't recall if the subject of counselling/therapy has come up with you before. If not, please considering seeing a professional. That would be one way to get some better tools to handle these situations.

Hi She- I'm so glad I can be of help to you. If you do write in your journal, then burn the pages after you feel calm again. Your bad feelings will go up with the smoke.

I kept my old journal from when I was in my teen and early 20s, the things I wrote in there were even too embarrassing for me to read. Now that I have my curious kids, I decided to burn the journal. What a relief to get rid of scandalous evidence and guilty confessions.

Polar ear thank you so much-so much. I am crying very guilty tears, but your words help. I read lots of posts here by people who "lose it", and I never believed I could feel,so angry-irritated, yes. Frustrated and even angry, but never like this. I do like the journal idea, but fear that if I honestly write down my feelings, that something might happen to me and if found, that journal would make family members think I am as awful as I think I am right now. But I feel like now, a few hours later and several kindnesses, that I can face tomorrow-make it better than the way today almost ended.

For me, writing in my journal helps. On the pages, I can write anything and everything about how angry, upset, and burn out i am, and how much I hate the situation and my mother. I can release all those negative feelings there on paper where they don't do any harm to anyone, but helps me tremendously.

Those thoughts and feelings are probably not even appropriate to share on this forum. So, I totally understand how you feel.

Find an outlet for your negative feelings so that they don't build up inside you and spew out at your husband. You must not hold them in or they will become poisonous to your health. 

Most of all, you should NOT be ashamed of those feelings. You are NOT selfish. Everyone has limits. His disease has stolen your life and you're entitled to be angry.

Be easy on yourself. TAKE time for yourself. If his needs aren't being met while you tend to yourself, then so be it. Your well being is just as important.

I do not know your situation, but it sounds like you reached your breaking point. Let it go.

Do you have help? Are you moving together or is one of you going into assisted living?