My mom passed away in hospital from aspiration pneumonia. She lived in nursing home for two years with dementia confined to a wheelchair. For the best part of her being in the nursing home I would spend from when she woke up until she went to bed with her and I don't regret that. Most of the time I would wheel her around throughout the nursing home.or sit with her watching tv. I would hold her hand kiss her on the forehead or on the cheek at night before she would go to bed I would read verses from the bible and pray with my mom. Then there was those times where I would get frustrated or angry and not know what I was doing almost like I had gone insane where I would say rude things to her or slap her even go as far as bend her hand back but not understand why I would. I don't get or understand why I did these things, I feel like I should be locked up and have the key thrown away. I did when these things happened say I was sorry and yet I still did them. Right now I can't blame anyone for not understanding, but I don't even understand because my mom was everything to me and in my right mind I know I would not have done these things. I'm truly trying to understand me and can't. I couldn't even tell her before she died how much I truly do love her because of the dementia.
i was born missing half my teeth so was always treated as an outcast around friends but mymom and dad were supportive to me
ADVERTISEMENT
My therapist talks about all the different "parts" we have inside us, from a helpless baby to an angry teenager to a grown loving son. Different parts have control at different times. Our "self" is supposed to be the wise center that keeps every part in balance. You are not alone in having parts of you that do things you don't approve of. Do see a shrink. If they are not supportive, if they get judgy, walk right out. The therapist needs to be on your side.
Today my mother and I went to church and out to eat. When we finished eating, I was supporting my mother's walker so she could get up. It was taking a long time. Then she started fiddling with tissues in her pocket and was taking one out to blow her nose. It triggered the other me and I said "Come on" very impatiently. I was immediately ashamed. I have to forgive myself, though, because I knew that she had pushed me to the limit of my better self. This may have been what you were seeing in yourself when you did things that made you ashamed. I hope you can come to understand and forgive yourself. You were under an extremely stressful circumstance.