All dressed up, but nowhere to go.

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I was going to take Mom out to eat tonight. She took a shower, but instead of getting dressed, she put on pajamas. I asked her why and she was said it was because her back hurt. She said she would go get dressed. I got dressed and ready to go. She just came back in my room, still in pajamas, saying she had a problem. Her blood sugar was 94. I told her it was no problem, to just eat some crackers.

Then I added that if she didn't want to go out to dinner tonight, we didn't have to.

This can be so exasperating, especially after I just wasted half of my day looking for a new bed that she had to have RIGHT NOW. I found one and she said I shouldn't worry about it, because she didn't need a bed. Maybe she will in the future. Talk about feeling totally jerked around. See if I ever look for her a bed again! The woman is beyond.

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Teepah Snow has excellent educational credentials in Dementia care except for one-being an actual 24/7 caregiver to a dementia elderly relative. I prefer the caregiver's advice, they have lived it and done it. That is why I like this site. It is about people with real life experience who have more hands on expertise. God bless to those people.
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My mother also tells me important things we need to do, yet, when I talk about doing them, she wants to know why I want to do it.

Similar to your pajamas/dressed story, she will take a shower and put on her dirty clothes instead of her clean ones. I think she doesn't remember which are which. She will get a little bit undressed with me around but is mostly pretty modest and I try to respect her privacy as much as possible, so she is willing to take off her slacks while I'm there. Then, to help her remember, I put her dirty slacks all the way on the other side of the bathroom as far away as possible and it seems to help her know that the pile of clothes further away are the dirty ones, the ones right next to the shower are the clean ones. There's something about seeing both piles, this way, that helps her figure out.

By the way, she never puts on her dirty Depends instead of her clean one. I think it's because she can see which is the clean one. So, right now, some of these visual cues help her, but I know they wouldn't help everyone else, necessarily.

Sometimes, she remembers to thank me. Other times, she just gripes. One of these days, she'll start forgetting to thank me, so I'm trying to store the memories of gratitude as if they're in a jar and I can take them out when things start to go downhill -- so that I can remember that when she was in a better mental state that she really was a sweet and appreciative person, not the one she might (or hopefully not) become.
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Teepah gets paid to be patient. :D
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Gosh, so this is part of the elder territory? Sure seems like it. My mom, 92, and I think is not quite demented, does this behavior. It starts with a phone call, just as I start my working day (I am self employed). "Ah Judy!" she starts off with a demanding voice, not a hello, how are you or any of that stuff." Ah Judy! You have to come over here and make my cellphone work." And we went through the whole deal. When it was time to renew the minutes: yep, you guessed it: "Ah, I don't need that stupid thing!"

She undos what I do for her every time with no appreciation at all, as I only exist to serve her. When I set boundaries she blasts me, or has a million abhoring behaviors. The result? yeah, like Emjo, less and less. More and more of my boundaries. I've had it! This is not burn out. This is natural behavior for us! And the elderly behavior is mashugunah. (crazy) You wonder what is going on in the brain to make this behavior?

My Mom has always been off anyways: but she had other qualities that we loved to cover up the crap. I really miss that person that I often could enjoy. Now those moments are less and less.

My Mom loves to enlist others in her banal causes. Strangers are her best choices, of course.

Carve out your life however and whenever you can in spite of all this stuff. And again, I don't see how I can help a person who doesn't allow it. We can't all be like Teepah Snow, God Bless Her!
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Robynil, you seem to have things set up very well. What you wrote made me think about my own situation and what I could do. I have the same problem with my mother needing things one or two at a time. I tried to get her to write things down, but she doesn't seem to be able to anticipate her needs. She lives like "I am totally helpless, so you have to do everything." I really wouldn't mind it so much except that when I do everything, she gets very angry -- "I'm not helpless. You are trying to control everything." I do wish we could get our parents to look at the way they are acting, but it usually comes down to being the caregiver's fault. Everything is, in their minds.

I thought about why this group is so nice. In the outside world, all sympathy goes to the elder. We can't even talk about what goes on. It is so nice to have a place where sympathy goes to the caregiver.

I hope we all have a good day today. My mother is sitting in the living room now with a shawl wrapped around her head and a sullen, dazed look on her face. I have the feeling she won't be with us much longer. I don't think anyone can continue to live and be this unhappy.
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I just read the book "Boundaries" and it has got me thinking a lot about setting some boundaries with the folks. Otherwise I will be the one to go crazy. Yes, they need help, but there has got to be limits.

One thing I have tried to start doing is making my mother do SOMETHING before I will help her. For instance, she can make her appointments. I will take her, but I make her call. You need groceries? You figure out what you need, make me a list, then I will go when I do my shopping. She used to have me stop every time we were out and just lick up a thing or two. I don't do my shopping that way. My time is valuable. I finally told her I would be happy to go once a week, when I do my own shopping, IF she has her list ready. She's very passive aggressive and it used to be I would go over to get the list and she hadn't even started it.

I know this seems petty and I don't deal with the things a lot of you deal with. But, I do have a job, a husband, 2 daughters, and 7 grandchildren I would like to spend time with as well. If you give someone more than you want to give, you become resentful, as you know. My parents refuse to hire anyone to help them. That shouldn't mean I do it all! I just have to learn to say 'no', which is very hard.

I am not a taxi service or a personal shopper. I don't think it hurts anyone to put effort into things they want or need. My mother would be happy to have me do everything for her, but I can't do it. I can't keep up the pace.
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depends on the severity of the nadrash. it could go from a frowny face to punching a cop thru his closed side window for me. Grrrr
were all different.
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thx Jessie -that is my position - accept me, accept my SO. It is very rude, but that never stopped her.

Actually I got a thank you today for saying I would look into something for her. I have and found a couple of options. That is all I am doing for now.

I find it hard when the mood swings are so extreme. The total crazies this morning and pretty rational this afternoon. It's like Chinese water torture. You are waiting for the next one.

cap, I don't excuse bad behaviour as easily as you do. I have know seniors with pain and debilitating conditions who retained a their normal personalities, didn't complain, and were not hard to be with, in fact were nice to be with. I am not talking dementia here. Like they say - Just because you have a pain you don't have to be a pain. I remind myself of that one at times.;)
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Oops, I rethought and saw she just didn't want him in her house, and you weren't going to leave him in the car. That is just plain rude. Accept me, accept my SO.
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Joan, I can't believe your mother wanted G to stay in the car. She must be jealous. :)
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