Mom is angry and wants to revoke POA. I am the only child. What should I do?

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Mom has alzheimers early stage(?). My Dad passed 7 years ago - since then I have cared for her every need above and beyond. I love her. She has always worried and it is constant now. financially she is set, lives in her own house 2 min from me - I made all this happen.all remodeled and paid for. She recently found that my husband and I have a small loan on my house, her name is still on the deed as well as my Dads-she refused several times to change this-I could not budge her. so we did it w/out her knowledge. Mind you she is financially secure, I care for her and we take care of all bills on my house. She has gone absolutely over the top about this- We are in process of changing the deed now-she finally agreed. she will not speak to me- allows me to take her to the store but ignores me- the hateful accusing things she is saying are killing me. i cry most days. she will not go to talk w/ anyone about this and try to resolve it between us. I am an only child- there is no one else-just me and my husband. she is being so hateful and now wants to revoke the POA- she needs me to do this as she can not handle anything but what will happen when I need this to care for her more? Which will likely be sooner than later she is 77. If I deny her and do not take her to do this she will become more enraged. Advice?

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I'd suggest that you consult with the attorney who prepared the POA and let him/her in on what's going on. If she is no longer considered to be "competent" by the legal definition, then she can't revoke the POA. In any event, I'm sure the attorney will agree that it is a bad idea for her to do so, at least without naming someone else to serve in that role. If the lawyer is a trusted advisor, perhaps your Mom will accept his/her input on this matter and will back down.

-- Sheri
Expert Answer
3930 helpful answers
Scary as it all is, it looks like a competency issue. It's true that at this point she is vulnerable to giving POA to anyone she wants, especially is she sees an attorney who isn't too careful.

I do hope you can get third party help to get this done before she implodes. It's taking too large a toll on you and you can't keep it up. She will need more care not less.

She's so frightened and your heart breaks over this, but just think what could happen if she revokes the POA and gives it to some stranger. If nothing else, compromise with her and have the POA turned over to a legal person or trust officer. But, hopefully, you can retain it. Even in the hands of an attorney, you'd need to be very careful about who that person is. Some attorneys are shady, too, so check the person through the state bar association.

You are definitely at your wits ends and I can see why. That elder care counselor is a burned out, hardened ___ and should get out of that line of work. My SIL ran into the same kind of "stupid" therapist in dealing with her narcissistic/borderline mother. Try to find yourself a therapist for you.

I don't know your mother's history. So, I can't really tell if she is mentally ill or not, but at this point her diagnosis is not as important as getting her the help she needs and getting you the help you need.

Did your dad and you have to endure the same kind of mood swings that you are dealing with now in your mother?

I'll be praying for you.
My mother-in-law has been saying for the last 4 months that the glasses she's wearing on her face are NOT hers. I, personally have taken her to 3 optometrists/ophthalmologists and they are all saying the same thing. Yes those are your glasses. The last time she got taken to yet another eye person, she was dumbfounded that the glasses ARE really hers, and just couldn't get over it. She absolutely agreed that they were right and she is wrong. We all breathe a sigh of relief, FINALLY!! But one hour later I call her to she what she's doing. "That doctor is full of it, she didn't know anything, and these are NOT my glasses". My point is, with dementia there is no logic anymore. Your mother was being nice to the attorney, acting like she gets' 'it' but in her mind he is still wrong, you are wrong, every one in the world is wrong except her. I personally have stopped arguing with m-i-l cause it's useless. Now I just tell her when she starts complaining about those darn glasses, 'well you'll have to take it up with Kaiser, cause they say that those are your glasses'. And I shrug my shoulders, because there is nothing I can say or do to convince her of anything else. And changing the subject won't work, because of all the things she has forgotten with dementia, the glasses thing is NOT one of them. At some point I think you are going to have to give up the fight of trying to make her like you or trying to explain anything to her, and just let her be. I think when you took off for that week and left her alone, she treated you better when you did reconnect right? Then that ought to be your method of operation from now on. When she starts making you go crazy, step back, leave her alone and then reconnect again later. Maybe she'll connect the dots and see that when she acts mean and spiteful, you back off. Who knows? This other scenario sure isn't working for you.

Your mom definitely needs some kind of medicine for she is loosing touch with reality. Has she been evaluated for incompetency?

I think one thing we must all, including myself, constantly realize that we cannot be responsible for someone's emotions. We can make sure they are safe and cared for, but we can't fix their sick minds, cure their paranoia, control their fearful acts of intimidation which brings us back around to our previous discussion about F.O.G. and Intimidation.

These are difficult times of role reversals for both us adult children and our elderly parents. We can let them drive us crazy, wreck our heath, permanently damage or destroy our marriage or all sorts of other collateral fallout. Or, like parents with a child, we do what we think is best for our aging parent even if they don't like it and complain and we try out best to find out what the best thing to do is. One person has already died for the entire world and he does not call us to crucify ourselves
Do not take the things your mother is saying personally. It is the disease.Keep telling yourself that. As for her revoking the POA, go see the attorney that did the POA. Tell him/her what is going on. If she has been diagnosed by a doctor, you may be able to have her declared incompetent. While that may even make her more mad (for now), it would prevent her from changing the POA.
Your mother sounds like she is beyond the early stage of alzheimers.

While a lawyer is important, I think that first you need to find a neutral third party to talk with like a counselor, pastor, etc. You are not going to survive this or have the strength to make some tough decisions unless you do.

How supportive is your husband?

Just letting this go on like this could damage your marriage.

Maybe you need to create some distance between your mother and yourself by hiring a certified caretaker to go your mom's house each day for several hours.

Then, after getting some self-care boundaries in place, I'd look into taking your mother to the same doctor who diagnosed her with alzheimers. Maybe the therapist, etc. can give you some new tools by which to get your mother to cooperate for right now, I can tell that right now, you are walking on eggshells around your mom and it's killing you not her.

Even though you can't go to Fla. to see the atty who wrote up the POA, it might be worthwhile to give the atty a phone call.

Did your mother give you Durable, Medical or both POAs?
I'm wondering if you ever apologized to her for going behind her back and taking out a loan. Even if she is losing her mind, sounds like she's mad. And she doesn't trust you anymore. If it isn't too late and she still has enough marbles left, I'd eat crow. I'd tell her how sorry I was, explain why you did it. You'd be surprised how far an apology and owning up to our faults will go, even with someone that is having trouble in the brain department. She's got to be miserable too, especially IF you've had a good relationship with her before the loan thing. I've eaten enough crow to tell you it doesn't kill ya.
Okay then since she can no longer think logically, then maybe you should stop trying to explain it to her. I know from experience that trying to explain something to someone with dementia is like banging your head against the wall. So you're gonna have to let that part go. Personally, I would put her in asst. living/foster care home/nursing home whatever, and go with your husband like you used to do. Sell whatever you have to and get on with your life. Hard truth, she is probably never going to change her mind about you, so move on. As long as she's being taken care of (by someone else) I don't see the problem with thinking of you and yours for awhile. And I wouldn't feel guilty either. But you know what they say about guilt? "It's the gift that keeps on giving..." :) You can do this, I know you can. Nancy

From what you have shared on this thread, another thread and your profile, it sounds to me like your mother has had some mental/emotional issues for years that your dad tried to handle on his own while raising you and doing everything else for the family.

IMHO She's not afraid of you. She's afraid of loosing control of you and you can help her without allowing her to control you. Your health has already been damaged from your dad's decline and moving your mother from Florida. Please, don't let this situation consume the rest of your health at your age.

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