Mom is angry and wants to revoke POA. I am the only child. What should I do?

I'd suggest that you consult with the attorney who prepared the POA and let him/her in on what's going on. If she is no longer considered to be "competent" by the legal definition, then she can't revoke the POA. In any event, I'm sure the attorney will agree that it is a bad idea for her to do so, at least without naming someone else to serve in that role. If the lawyer is a trusted advisor, perhaps your Mom will accept his/her input on this matter and will back down.

-- Sheri

Do not take the things your mother is saying personally. It is the disease.Keep telling yourself that. As for her revoking the POA, go see the attorney that did the POA. Tell him/her what is going on. If she has been diagnosed by a doctor, you may be able to have her declared incompetent. While that may even make her more mad (for now), it would prevent her from changing the POA.

Thank you. Good Advice on the Attorney. I can not go to the attorney that prepared the POA as he is in Fla. But we will be going to an Attorney here for the Deed. So perhaps I can let him know the situation and allow her to discuss with him, hopefully he will agree it is a bad idea for her to not have a POA. I am terrified of even mentioning the word incompetent- she is fearful of this happening as she watched her sister and father decline and she knows where that goes- she is struggling to hold on to her mind and denying anything is wrong. Today again I suggested we go talk w/ someone,a counselor,priest to get another outside objective view and to help us resolve this-she adamantly refused- i think she fears this will lead to the incompetent thing- we had a struggle similar some years ago-she becomes suspicious that i am trying to do just that and loses faith that i am here for her and will always be. Today she said she is afraid of me-that I will sell her house from under her....I have killed myself the past 7 years to care for her-all gone in her mind.I am crushed. I know in my brain I should not take these things personally but my heart listens and is breaking, I have been in tears everday for a month. Today i had to force her to go to her dental appt- she said she was just going to let her teeth fall out. later she asked to go to the ATM- which she can not use alone - each time I let her try as she is determined and then go to help..she was trying to withdraw 600- got very frustrated /angry as she could not complete the transaction- I went to help..I asked her why she needed such a large sum..she said she wanted cash on hand..I do not know what she is thinking -she has never ever done that before. and she goes nowhere-we live in a very small town - ther are no cabs or public transpo - so? She also will not go to a doctor when she is like this - afraid I am up to something, the competency thing. She will not allow herself to be actually tested for alz. But I know- i watched my Aunt and have researched- the signs are all there.she knowstoo-or knew. So the Attorney is a good suggestion- but I do not see how I can broach the competency thing- i would not survive the rage from her.

The only reason I raised the competency thing, she can give POA to anyone. The are all kinds of people lurking out there. You couldn't stop her now if she decides to remove you as POA. The last thing you need is for someone to befriend her for the wrong reasons. Ask the attorney if you could have her declared w/o her knowing it.

I understand where your heart is. My mom had Alzheimers. Until she got sick, she was the most kind and loving person you'd ever want to meet. You are in one of the toughest phases right now. I remember it all to well. I promise you peace will come.

Your mother sounds like she is beyond the early stage of alzheimers.

While a lawyer is important, I think that first you need to find a neutral third party to talk with like a counselor, pastor, etc. You are not going to survive this or have the strength to make some tough decisions unless you do.

How supportive is your husband?

Just letting this go on like this could damage your marriage.

Maybe you need to create some distance between your mother and yourself by hiring a certified caretaker to go your mom's house each day for several hours.

Then, after getting some self-care boundaries in place, I'd look into taking your mother to the same doctor who diagnosed her with alzheimers. Maybe the therapist, etc. can give you some new tools by which to get your mother to cooperate for right now, I can tell that right now, you are walking on eggshells around your mom and it's killing you not her.

Even though you can't go to Fla. to see the atty who wrote up the POA, it might be worthwhile to give the atty a phone call.

Did your mother give you Durable, Medical or both POAs?

I'm wondering if you ever apologized to her for going behind her back and taking out a loan. Even if she is losing her mind, sounds like she's mad. And she doesn't trust you anymore. If it isn't too late and she still has enough marbles left, I'd eat crow. I'd tell her how sorry I was, explain why you did it. You'd be surprised how far an apology and owning up to our faults will go, even with someone that is having trouble in the brain department. She's got to be miserable too, especially IF you've had a good relationship with her before the loan thing. I've eaten enough crow to tell you it doesn't kill ya.

Oh yes I have apologized over and over and over. Told her I love her and will always care for her and asked her forgiveness many many times. I and my husband have tried to explain why we did this this way, because she would not agree to the change and it HAD to be done, we did not want her to worry about it ( as she obsesses and worries so so much, if she has not heard from me by 12 noon each day she would call in a near panic asking if everything is allright.)I apologize each day and tell her I love her. She wants none of it. Says there was no reason we should have needed a mortgage on our house. I gave her a list of all the repairs made and more that is needed. Her reply is that we should have done this as we could pay cash. That is how she believes things should be done. unreasonable and unrealistic from the 30's. We have tried to apologize, explain and move forward. I had to remind her also that a few months after finalizing the loan- I was helicopterd to the heart hospital, nearly died and at the age of 49 needed a pacemake- I was in perfect health-according to the doctors- had complete heart block for no reason they could find. I was out of work for 8 months with that. she forgets. If we had not at that time had an equity line- it would have been very very bad. I had been completly stressed for years with Dads sufferring in hospice and caring for her,trying to get her moved. and for a time 3 houses til I could sell hers in Fla to pay for her new house and all the work to get it ready for her-much of the work-painting,fixing,remodeling-I did with my own hands plus working 2 jobs. Doctors say stress does not cause heart block-but i wonder. So yesI have aplogized every which way. And I am trying not to get angry with the nasty things she says to me-forgiveness. Sunday she would not go to Mass with me- thought I should not be in church. I am at my wits end here- my husband works on the west coast in the winter- I used to go with him-andalso work there but since mom moved up I would travel back and forth as I needed to care for her-she would not hear of hiring someone to come by and take her to the store or to check on her. My job is seasonal so this leaves me unemployed dec-feb. here. This year I can not leave here because of her. so I am alone with this,I do not think I can deal anymore.

Okay then since she can no longer think logically, then maybe you should stop trying to explain it to her. I know from experience that trying to explain something to someone with dementia is like banging your head against the wall. So you're gonna have to let that part go. Personally, I would put her in asst. living/foster care home/nursing home whatever, and go with your husband like you used to do. Sell whatever you have to and get on with your life. Hard truth, she is probably never going to change her mind about you, so move on. As long as she's being taken care of (by someone else) I don't see the problem with thinking of you and yours for awhile. And I wouldn't feel guilty either. But you know what they say about guilt? "It's the gift that keeps on giving..." :) You can do this, I know you can. Nancy

Karenia,

From what you have shared on this thread, another thread and your profile, it sounds to me like your mother has had some mental/emotional issues for years that your dad tried to handle on his own while raising you and doing everything else for the family.

IMHO She's not afraid of you. She's afraid of loosing control of you and you can help her without allowing her to control you. Your health has already been damaged from your dad's decline and moving your mother from Florida. Please, don't let this situation consume the rest of your health at your age.

Thank you crowemagnum. I have tried to take a few days and heal myself. It has not really helped.Mom is still angry and will not interact with me. I am not sure what she must be doing with her days. She is I think just sitting and worrying with her mind going in loops. I go by and see that she is up,dressed and the house in order but that is it, she asks me to leave. Actually her house is strangely neat-almost as if she is giving extra effort to show she is in control-I don't know. I have an appt w/ attorney re: the changing of the deed, she will be coming also, that will be tough-she rarely understands what how or why things work. I ALWAYS have to try and explain to her. I have durable POA and designation as health care surrogate. She still refuses to go to either her doctor or any counselor or pastor. My husband is supportive to a degree but is hurting my marriage. He really does not understand the disease and as she has been so good at hiding it..he is getting angry with her for causing me such pain. I am coming to the realization mom will perhaps be angry with me from here on out....I see I am going to have to make decisions she will not like-even though for her own good. I talked to a counselor/therapist-did not really help. I still feel lost and all alone. Dealing with the idea mom hates me is too much.

Karenia,

I am glad taking a few days off for yourself was good for you, although I'm not surprised it has not really helped mom, but that is mom's problem. She really needs to deal with her own emotions instead of expecting people to fix them or walk on eggshells around them.

She's hyper controlling either out of fear or out of a narcissistic/borderline personality since it sounds like she's been that way before she got older. Two books come to mind that might help both you and your husband. Stop Walking on Eggshells and the Workbook for Stop Walking on Egghsells which I like better than the first one and it's more immediately applicable.

You might need to do some more searching by asking around to find a better therapist. You probably need to inquire about the person's area of expertise and I'd look for someone who does therapy with victims of abuse which in my opinion you are directly and your husband is indirectly. My personal preference is to find a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for a therapist.

Pastors generally do not have the training or time to deal with this intense a problem.

Yes, it's hurting your marriage which I understand. I've been there myself. He very likely feels abandoned and that you are not fully present when you are with him because your so enmeshed into your mom and her emotions. He probably also wishes there was a way that he could defend you from this abuse and feels frustrated that there's not much he can do, but probably wishes you'd just cut her off so that he could have his wife back.

There aren't any easy answers in this type of situation. If I've gone way off base in my 'arm chair psychologizing" then I apologize.

Karenia, I agree with Crowmagnum. Your mom wants to have control over you. If you're apologizing daily, she KNOWS she has control. If you and your mother have always had a good, loving relationship (b4 alz) then I don't think she hates you no matter how ugly her comments are.
I also think naheaton is right on. Don't let what you can't change jeopardize your marriage. My husband was a nervous wreck seeing me cry and rant and rave over my mom. I finally came to my senses and stopped because he means more to me than my hateful mother(who doesn't have alz, she's just hateful!).
My heart goes out to you. You are hurting a lot. And this is hurting your health. I really think you need to get on a different path. Think of yourself and your husband. All you owe your mom is seeing that she's well taken care of. I wish you all the best luck.

I am back for some more support here. I will look into the book Stop walking on eggshells. I have tried to take some time for myself to heal. I did go to a therapist- local and specialized licenced? in elder care. This was no help, she was very stern, not supportive of me and my pain or helping me to deal with it- she focused on Moms well being, told me she was not the mother i knew and to get on with caring for her- our finances should be completely seperated( how do you do that when you are caring for someone? said she(the therapist) needed someone other than me to go into that house and check on her- if I did not have someone that could go in and report to her on moms well being she would be required to "report me". This did not help me but added more anxiety. I left there in more upset than before. I do not know why she took this direction- I explained the situation to her honestly and openly as I have here. Told her that i had been taking a few days of from seeing her everyday, explained that I made sure she had grocerys and drove by to make sure the paper was in in the morning and lights on at night- so I could rest better. But was leaving her alone as she requested.She was vey accusing regarding financial decision I had made( as described previously here.)I had to have a friend stop by on the pretense of visiting mom and call the therapist to confirm her well being. This was all a horrible experience in addition to all the pain i am in.. to add to that mom is still being hateful to me, seems to be just laying on her sofa and crying all day. she looks awful and will not go to the doctor- i can not make her. she is suspicious I am "doing something" I called her brother- which also was no help- he just kept saying she was fine and just depressed in the winter becauseof the cold. I do not think anyone realizes or will accept when i tell them she needs help. I need help. For the past 7 years she goes absolutely nowhere and makes no move without me- years before that it was Dad. she seems to be swinging between rage and deep depression. She insisted, hysterically, I cancel the appointment I made with an attorney to change the deeds. He is an attorney we met with 4 years ago for advice on estate planing-an elder care attorney, she liked him- said so many times, though she never would follow through on his advice which is how we have arrived here...she cried and got very upset/angry insisting that I cancel that appointment because she did not like him. so I did and have called another for appointment...is this because he is in addition to other areas an "elder care" attorney? It is all too much. How long does this difficult time last? It seems like forever. I have heard that as disease progresses she will become easier, but what if it is not dementia or alz and she is mentally ill and gets worse instead of more mellow> I can not handle this. All of your help and words are appreciated

karenia,

You are definitely at your wits ends and I can see why. That elder care counselor is a burned out, hardened ___ and should get out of that line of work. My SIL ran into the same kind of "stupid" therapist in dealing with her narcissistic/borderline mother. Try to find yourself a therapist for you.

I don't know your mother's history. So, I can't really tell if she is mentally ill or not, but at this point her diagnosis is not as important as getting her the help she needs and getting you the help you need.

Did your dad and you have to endure the same kind of mood swings that you are dealing with now in your mother?

I'll be praying for you.

I vote for you taking a mini-vacation and getting away somewhere for a few days. Leave her alone. Make sure she won't starve, then get the heck out of town for a few days. Let her 'stew in her own juices' as they used to say. She probably won't die, right?

Ok- I am feeling better- though not great. I took the advice here and have taken a week off to myself. I brought Mom all the grocerys she could need for a week, did not tell her I would not be calling or coming over, just told her to call me if she needed me. I do a drive by in the day to see blinds are open and in the eve to see blinds closed and lights on- which means she is up and about. It has been hard as the worry and guilt that daughters/caretakers have on our shoulders is...unbearable. I have done some reading,soul searching and reached out by phone to others that have been in my shoes, the advice is all pretty much the same, which it is hard to let things roll off your back when your own mother is so angry and you have done so much for her. It does help to know others have had the same situations-it is not just us...it is the disease. So she has been "stewing in her own juices". I received a call from her yesterday-something minor she wanted remind me of, and suprisingly her voice,tone and words were-softer. So I see her tomorrow, hope it goes better. Thursday- I am seeing an attorney by myself to answer my questions regarding POA and options I have regarding the inevitable-when I will need to "take over". Friday Mom and I go to an attorney(different one) together to find out how to best to change deed on my house- If she has other concerns( POA ect) she will be able to ask, perhaps by phone/private though I have given all the info to this attorney and hope he will advise her accordingly- and let me know of anything i need to know...So we will see how it all goes. Thank you to all here for your advice and support- I was emotionally at my end, it was killing me emotionally and physically.Thank you. I will probably be back but feel now i have the tools and knowledge i need to deal with this better. To all looking to this forum for support and help, advice- it is here, you are not alone in this. It is amazing how much alike the stories are and the pain we feel. Leaves me wondering why we as a society, are so ill equipped to handle these things- when it is so so common- thse problems of caring for aging parents, the pain guilt and suffering?

We are ill-equipped because it's one of those subjects that families just don't talk about. Then you get inside a situation like this and after asking around you find a lot of other people are in the same boat.

It's all part of that don't talk, don't feel, don't trust co-dependent control mentality which tries to keep painful stuff like this locked up among a few to keep other people from seeing when other people are having to deal with it too. Basically, we all want our families to appear on the outside to be like Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, and Mayberry, RFD which like the Norman Rockwell painting is not realistic.

Karenia I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you took the time for yourself and passing by night and day marvelous!!

Good luck in the next adventure and I'll be watching for your posts.

I am going through a similiar problem with my 85 year old mother.I am also the only child. My mother is in advanced stage of Alzheimers, but has not seen a doctor . She can not prepare meals, sheputs different shoes on the wrong foot,and insists there are lots ofother people living in her house. Only she and her 79year old boyfriend live there.She does not trust me, has slapped me in the face and refuses to get medical help because her boyfriend tells her I'm trying to put her away. He has manipulated her to the point she has signed everything over to him when she dies. He uses all of her money to pay bills while he has close to a million in the bank. He has convinced my mother that they are both broke and feeds her once a day from the dollar menu at McDonalds. My mother is slowly dying in front of my eyes. I want to file for guardianship and have her picked up for an emergency psyciatric evaluation. I am 55 and have limited funds. Lawyer fees will run at least 4,000. dollars and I have limited funds. I even called adult protection services and they did nothing.

Can you slyly video everything that she and he are saying and doing? You need some help with this. You need to protect your mom, it seems, and perhaps yourself. Be careful, as he is being extra vigilant. Get documentation, and call legal services, (free for seniors) saying your mother is subject to his abuse/neglect and undue influence, if true, and get some help!!! Can you get proof of his bank account balance? Or is their relationship considered "common law" by now? Then, you're sunk. Does she have the funds to pay an attorney, if you can find one to help you/her out? Just some thoughts...don't know if it's a long shot or not.

Karenia, It's tough for all of us caregivers when things go awry between us and our loved ones. I can relate to so much of what you're going through. Let us know how things turn out, please.

Ahhh- here I am again seeking some support - this has been for me the best place for support, understanding and good advice.
Foxyscharm ( previous comment_ you really need to get some help with that situation, I am not a professional but see that is a horrible situation- do not give up.. call social services, senior legal help or whomever you need to.
So today Mom and I went to meet with an attorney whom has done real estate closings ect in the past for my family - so she "trusts" him though til today she had never spoken to or met him... The 1 hr drive up was not so pleasant, she will have not really have conversation with me,answers my attempts with the shortest possible answer. As I had given the attny all the pertinent info and told him about her alz. and my concerns, he was aware. He was great- spoke directly to mom, listened to her questions, caught on that she was not understanding and tried to simplify things so she would understand, but at the same time looked directly at me and let me know when something was crucial for me. She was a different person!!! listened, laughed at some small jokes, and when she did not grasp something looked to me to explain or ask him the question she was trying to ask and on several occasions told the attny"she is better at this sort of thing than I am". I thought it went very well-her fears put at rest and we knew exactly what needed to be done, what I had told her had been verified by the expert. All Good right? NO. As we got into the car I stated - I feel better and now we know just what to do and no worries- no response- she would not go to lunch or stop at any of her favorite spots. would not talk for the hour ride home -just short answers. got to her house went in and she dismissed me. i asked her to go to church sunday- she said no and got very angry-said she does not pray anymore. said I have caused something to die inside her, and it went on- I tried to reason w/ her told her I love her and miss her and have done all I can ect- she said I had done things for her and taken care of her like no one ever had- but it was gone now. I tild her how much i also am hurting and how can we get past this- she said she can not. so... is this just meanness or is this typical alz??? I was doing well but feel crushed again.

Has she done anything like this in the past? I mean before Alz?

hmmm- maybe yes but to a much lesser degree- cold shoulder has long been her way to punish.

How long?

My mother-in-law has been saying for the last 4 months that the glasses she's wearing on her face are NOT hers. I, personally have taken her to 3 optometrists/ophthalmologists and they are all saying the same thing. Yes those are your glasses. The last time she got taken to yet another eye person, she was dumbfounded that the glasses ARE really hers, and just couldn't get over it. She absolutely agreed that they were right and she is wrong. We all breathe a sigh of relief, FINALLY!! But one hour later I call her to she what she's doing. "That doctor is full of it, she didn't know anything, and these are NOT my glasses". My point is, with dementia there is no logic anymore. Your mother was being nice to the attorney, acting like she gets' 'it' but in her mind he is still wrong, you are wrong, every one in the world is wrong except her. I personally have stopped arguing with m-i-l cause it's useless. Now I just tell her when she starts complaining about those darn glasses, 'well you'll have to take it up with Kaiser, cause they say that those are your glasses'. And I shrug my shoulders, because there is nothing I can say or do to convince her of anything else. And changing the subject won't work, because of all the things she has forgotten with dementia, the glasses thing is NOT one of them. At some point I think you are going to have to give up the fight of trying to make her like you or trying to explain anything to her, and just let her be. I think when you took off for that week and left her alone, she treated you better when you did reconnect right? Then that ought to be your method of operation from now on. When she starts making you go crazy, step back, leave her alone and then reconnect again later. Maybe she'll connect the dots and see that when she acts mean and spiteful, you back off. Who knows? This other scenario sure isn't working for you.

Do you think someone with Alz can connect dots? On the other hand, distance can be a good thing... Reasoning with an unreasonable person doesn't work very well!

At this point, I'd paint myself purple and call myself Barney if I thought that she'd remember those stupid glasses were HERS:)

I meant for Karenia! :)

But, it's funny to picture you as purple. But someone with Alz could! LOL

Scary as it all is, it looks like a competency issue. It's true that at this point she is vulnerable to giving POA to anyone she wants, especially is she sees an attorney who isn't too careful.

I do hope you can get third party help to get this done before she implodes. It's taking too large a toll on you and you can't keep it up. She will need more care not less.

She's so frightened and your heart breaks over this, but just think what could happen if she revokes the POA and gives it to some stranger. If nothing else, compromise with her and have the POA turned over to a legal person or trust officer. But, hopefully, you can retain it. Even in the hands of an attorney, you'd need to be very careful about who that person is. Some attorneys are shady, too, so check the person through the state bar association.
Carol