Strange experience last night.
Last night after a lethargic day, my mother who is 91 told me at bedtime that she thought she was going to die that night. Understand this - she is one of those mothers who has Narcissistic Personality problems and I haven't really liked her as a person for many year, she was never appreciative of the fact that my husband and I have no life because she lives with me. She always talks about seeing Jesus and being with my Dad and other family members, like that will be so much preferable then being with the family she has here on earth, so I glibly answered her with "That will be a good thing, right?". I was trying to get her to go to bed and give me a few moments of solitude, and kind of brushed off the whole thing - at first. Then she said, "I just don't want to go through it". This hit me. It made me think about how I would feel facing death, and feeling all alone and being scare to "go through it". Instead of being cold and trying to rush her into bed I had this sudden empathetic feeling come over me, and I didn't want her to die alone and scared. I held her, told she was a good mother and grandmother (I kind of stretched this one but thought she needed to be comforted with that and she did the best she could) and that I loved her. She told me she tried hard to be a good mother. She said that I was a good daughter and took such good care of her and that she loved me more than I'll ever know. I was surprised at my reaction. We sobbed holding onto each other and I continued to cry in another room for about an hour. I am crying now just retelling the story.
I don't know if she is still alive at this point or not. It is just 7 a.m., but if she is, what a good way to end the time together and I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to say those things. If she wakes up today, I hope I can remember how sad I felt last night when we were saying those things to each other and thinking that was the last time I would talk to her.
Just thought I'd share that with you. I have been one of those who have been going off the wall with the "burden" of caregiving. I probably still will if she is still with me, but this experience hopefully will give a new perspective on things.
Have a good day, everyone.