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My brother that lives close to our house is single, has no kids just a full time job but an obsession with sports. I ask him for help with my m om but I have to give him step by step instructions. But every time I have him help m y mom he just gets her more agitated and takes me hours to calm her down again. Im not sure its even worth the time to ask for help when its going to cause me more work. Im working my job for one more week and got together with coworkers today just for a lunch so I was gone for two hours and in that time I had 6 text messages during the lunch about how I needed to come take care of mom and he was leaving and just left her at home alone. This is not the first time this happens all the time. Everytime I will try to get a couple days away or do anything for myself he has trouble. I can't have homecare stay overnight due to state laws so my brother is the next choice. Luckily I have adult daycare and homecare. I have had to depend on my brother the last month to check on my mom the last few weeks but all that really consisted of was stopping by the house for a few minutes. I get more care from my shitzu puppy LOL. Not sure what to do now.

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Thanks Rosebud....I left my job but it wasn't just because of my mother, it was a nice paying job but management treated me horribly and I just needed to get away from there. I have had many interviews and should be hearing something this week. homecare isn't very reliable out of 5 days they showed up 2 days. My brother actually stopped by today (must not have been a sporting event on TV) and just talking about himself telling me all the "vacations" he is taking this year. I told him I may be working different hours now but he is still "needed". He is planning to be away as many weekends as he can but I will find one so I can take a couple days away with my boyfriend. He told me about the trips I just wanted to scream, laugh or cry or maybe all 3 at the same time. My sister that lives about 4 hours away she messaged me that I should just find a caregiver that I trust so I can get away. To get a caregiver to spend the night I would have to pay out of my pocket my sister just wants to find something to make her feel better. I asked for my sister to spend some time this summer since she doesn't work and my niece is off school. But I know not to plan on it. My mother's family and friends have always said my mom is "lucky" to have me in her life because really she has 8 sisters and only 1 comes around to even visit her. I just don't understand that either how people can just forget their loved ones so easy. When my great aunt was alive I would help take care of her also along with my two elderly parents because her daughters lived 2 blocks away but on the weekends they had "family time". My mom was a CNA and I grew up around elderly people so maybe thats why I have the "skills". Its not that my brother doesn't have the "skills" he just would rather be doing anything else. He is obsessed with sports and plans everything around sporting events or vacations.
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Chrissykall23, while it's true that some have a knack for caregiving as you do, it is disappointing when siblings can't step up - what is the line between not having the "skills" and shirking obligation or responsibility? maybe not everyone (e.g., have the same sense of responsibility, I don't know why). I remember my great aunt's daughter told me she wanted Sunday's "off" because it was her 'family day' and she didn't want to give that up. LOL. I kind of feel I got run over because I'm a singleton and don't have a 'family' to look after. I'll admit though that I was so shocked by this proposition that I let it go and actually preferred not to have to deal with her on this extra day. It's true that caregiving can come easier to others - for some reason it does to me, too. My mom was an RN and illness or frailty doesn't bother me and I've always liked elderly people.

But as I said earlier, I'm not sure why siblings or family members don't try to be HELPFUL in other ways. I don't know, there's just not an answer to explain this human behavior except that their degree of selfishness allows them to not have to sacrifice to the degree that you are. It sounds like you've really tried to rally the troops but that also takes energy. You are justified in feeling the way you do . . . BUT, it sounds like you've been able to make some changes with your workplace that have helped you cope better and taking away that worrying about your mother. Please continue to take care of yourself, too, if even in small ways. Sending you positive energy.
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Yes I know that is hard to hear. I have tried with all three of my siblings to get extra help either financially or attempts to care for her. But after all these attempts they just don't have these "skills". After leaving my night job to work earlier hours while my mom is at daycare I can just feel some of the stress get better because having to depend on my brother alone was getting to hard and I just hated sitting there worrying about what could happen until I got home. I have gotten to the point that I ask my brother to do other errands for me, homecare is getting setup so this should be getting easier at least for now.
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Here's the thing that a lot of people don't want to hear. As much as we need the support from our relatives, we can't always get what we need from them. What I learned is that "you can't expect someone to give what they don't have". So if a person doesn't have any patience or any skills needed to be a compassionate caregiver, then they won't be able to perform because they do not possess those strengths. That doesn't mean they are bad people, they just aren't qualified for the position. You can delegate other responsibilities to your brother. For example, if your brother works full time, he can help contribute financially to your mother's health care (i.e hiring a respite worker, contribute paying bills, paying for groceries, running errands, etc). He can also cook and prepare meals, help or hire help to clean, etc. I'm sure you and he can sit down and find other "jobs" he can do to help assist you and your mother relieve some of that burden.
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thanks Rosebud1.....I do ask my brother to pickup a few things at the store or pharmacy and its usually too much of a chore for him too. Few weeks ago I asked him to pickup her prescription and he starts asking me all these questions....Especially with my current work situation he has had to pickup a few things at the store or maybe a sandwich from the restaurant. From the way he acts i'm surprised he doesn't send me a bill LOL. No homecare for the last two months so he has had to do a few things which I shouldn't even have to ask for help.

I know I have heard that caregiving just comes easier to others. Maybe its because my parents had me when they were in their late forties, my mom was a CNA and I used to help her with some of her overnight cases, and also helping care for my great aunt.
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KrissyCall23, you are incredible daughter! Getting the kind of help from siblings or other nearby relatives is not always easy even when one is direct and tells the person(s) exactly what they need help with. It seems like watching your mom for a couple of hours is not your brother's particular strength - are there other ways in which your brother can help you? Grocery shopping, cleaning the house, etc.? I know this might sound like a cop-out but sometimes individuals cannot handle certain situations. I say this because as a caretaker of my 87 y.o. great-aunt, I had little fear with her illnesses, having to bathe her, medication, etc., but her own granddaughters (who were grown women in the 20s) couldn't even stomach being in her room (hospital or home) when she was very ill. I felt so angry that they were so useless to me and their grandmother until I accepted that I had to change my expectations and ask them for help in different ways. I know this doesn't resolve the main issue of someone being with your mother and that sometimes you just need a little of your own time but maybe brother can come through in some other way. It doesn't change that you are the heavy lifter!
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All my siblings are selfish. I get more help from my friends and neighbors so that will be what I stick with. 5 years ago my father died, my father tryed getting him to help with anything and it ended up with my brother running out having tantrums....how long until these tantrums end. I'm trying to simplify some things in my life and depending on him will just have to be low on my priority list. Im the baby in the family and you would think i'm an only child having to tell my siblings what our mother likes.
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He's a selfish brat, however old he is. I'm sure you don't need us to tell you that!
People don't change. Save yourself the stress: exclude him from responsibility.
Next time you see him, tell him Christina thinks he is a helpless wimp. Big Jock.
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