How do I handle mother/son caregiving relationship?

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My longtime BF lives with his 87 year old mother. He moved in 5 yrs ago after his father died, he lost his job and mom had stroke. BF is 55 and I'm 45. We live an hour apart. I have good-paying job that I love and house I own. For the most part it's good....we USUALLY see each other once during week and every weekend. However, mom is getting more dependent on her son and he is getting pulled in both directions. I always tell him he will have no regrets and I'll never make him chose....however, she makes him feel guilty when he wants to come see me (i.e.....I'm going to eat supper alone - when will you be back?).

I love his mom very much and we get a long great. She's had a couple strokes and heart problems, but needs to be checked on here and there. She still drives and cooks, etc. Mother wants son to be with her day in and day out - kinda replacing her husband. I'm getting frustrated and lonely. My BF knows that he's given up his life for his mother. Isn't that selfish of mother?? I know she doesn't think right due to several strokes....but still.

I know the saying.....notice how a man treats his mom and he'll treat you the same way. But I'm afraid I can't deal with this situation much longer.

Please help.

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Ha Ha Ha......thanks. But I still would live in a van - just to be with him!!! I don't know anything about depression so I don't know what to do or not do. He's stuck and I try to help and he tell's me to quit hounding him. So then I leave him alone......it's a vicious circle.
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i was wiseassin kandy. you sound like a heck of a nice person. i can assure you tha BF is suffering from depression. i wish both of you and the elder patient the best. maybe a nice awning for your van down by the river. im funnin ya, tryin to be helpful. work with me here..
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Thanks for your responses.....I know he's doing the right thing with his mom and he will have no regrets. I just wish he would make me a priorty every once in a while and remember that he has a life too. We've been together over 15 years and I feel our relationship is being strained. I believe my BF is also very depressed as well and don't know how to help him. I love him and yes, would be just as happy to live in a van by the river with him. I just want to share my life with him and don't need material things in my life......
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i guess the question becomes would he make all or nothing sacrifices to support you if the roles were reversed. im caring for my late stage dementia mother right now and ms right is going to have to be someone who will stand beside me in this time of need. im not mommys boy, this is just something that has to be done. would you live in a van down by the river with him? love begins with lust then hopefully developes into a situation of mutual respect and appreciation. good paying jobs and houses are material things. necessities but still replacable..
my lost income in the last five years can never be replaced. my clothing is worn to rags. these things have zero impact on who i am or more importantly what i think of myself. i spose the girl for me can be found in zimbabwe with a disced lip and a bone thru her nose. hope she can make a good bag of mortar..
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As time goes by your BF mother's care will increase. If you find it difficult now, the future will only make it impossible. Only you can decide what is best for you. Your BF can only determine how to balance his present life and the destiny of his future. Yes his mother is being selfish, but unfortunately needy elderly are like that. Is it possible for your BF to find someone to spend time with his mother while he is with you? Even he needs a break from his careging role.
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