A mother who complains and extremely negative.

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I am new to this site but not new to care giving for my 64 year old mother who was diagnosed 15 years ago with ms.

I decided to stay home and help/care for her as my brother left the family years ago. And my dad has done camp work most of his life and now unemployed not his choice.

What i have found through out the years and now getting to the extreme side of things is my mother being extremely negitive and complains about anything and everything. And iam to the point where its been affecting my life i have chronic fatigue sydrome as well as bunch of other problems. If i get out to do shoping she complains as i get to go out but she dosent. If i am able to go away which these days its a weekend out of a year she complains about that. I dont have a life no friends no nothing. As she needs care 24/7 as she is now in a powerchair all the time. And i know she is frusterated cause of that..but to be bitter about anyone who can walk or do things its getting horrible. My dad is no help as he cant take the constint put downs from her saying hes a losser and no good for nothing.. as we now are in finicial problems. And thats another one of her problems as she just wants to buy and buy and buy and now she cant. As figured thats the only control left she had was shopping via internet shopping etc. Not able to take her out very much due to fact we have no money plus she has pretty bad back pain and just cant be in the car for very long.

I really have not a clue how to deal with this...i cant just leave them. As we do live on a small farm and i have horses etc..and my dad is unable or not wanting to help out or her out..its been left apon me to do this.

I have gone to a caregivers group but that has not been too helpfull just due to the fact all they say is hire someone etc but i can not aford such things. I have also seen a shrink and again not much help as no money.

I should say she has lost all her friends and no one visits due to she has nothing good to say..if she talks to her family she gets worse as they have money and they can go on vaction or they can do renos.
She is also very religous but i cant see it as she may pray etc but if she was really to live the faith she wouldent be so negitive or vile.
I am trying to stay positive as best i can saying oh look at such nice weather we are having. Or least we have a roof over our head etc...trying so hard with everything thrown back into my face with a negitive outlook. Now i try to stay away be in the barn take dogs for walks. But even thats hard as she needs help at times during the day so not able to be gone for long cause of that. Iam finding it very hard these days as my health going downhill at a fast rate. And i really dont know what to do anymore. As have no help or money to get help.

If anyone has any ideas at all please let me know.

I do figure one of these days will have to sell the place and iam sure at that time she be living in a place that cares for her...just she smokes and places around here will not take her...as few years back when we had money i sent her to place in town for a week every year. They had told me the last time she is not welcome untill she quits smoking. Sorry for the long post just really needed to vent its been a bad day

11 Comments

I would be bitter and complaining, too, if I was only 64 years old [that is very young] to be dealing with any type of serious illness. Your Mom is probably thinking of all the things her former friends are doing that she can't do any more. Of course she is going to lash out at anyone near by, even her husband. Everyone who is diagnosed with any type of disease deals with life different.

One of my best friends was diagnosed with MS when she was in her mid-30's and she took it in stride and was willing to try all different types of new treatments. She and her hubby always had a smile, they were learning to enjoy every day to the fullest. But not everyone can do that.

Since your Dad is out of work, he needs to step up to take care of his wife.... and you need to go out and find outside employment.
Vent away. Care for disabled and elder people is so expensive, so it does leave us in a spot. If things didn't cost so much, it would make it so much easier on us. I am glad that you have the Medicaid option if she ever needs to go into a skilled facility.

It also doesn't help when they are so negative. My mother went through about three years of complaining all day. That was rough. I used to take comfort in the rabbits when it got so bad. They never complain except when I'm clipping nails or doing something else they find obnoxious. I was thinking that your horses are a comfort to you. Nothing as sweet as being with a horse that likes you.

I've heard that many people with MS do have personality problems. It must be something that goes along with the disease. I've only know one person with MS. She was very nice, but I don't know if she was with her family. I can sympathize with the pain and problems that go with MS, but it doesn't make dealing with a negative personality much easier.

One thing I wondered is what you are going to do to hold your own life together. You have sacrificed so much. Do you have dreams of what you would like to do? It can be hard to hold onto those dreams, but you are much too young to let your life slip by. Maybe it would be good to figure out what you would like to do and work at it as much as the CFS will allow. It's always nice to keep your own hope alive when people are trying to wear it down. Have you considered applying for disability for the CFS if it is bad enough. I heard it is hard to get with CFS, but it may help you until you are able to find your feet again.

Big hugs coming your way.
P.S. Regarding smoking, MS disability progressed more quickly in smokers. This is just for your knowledge, don't know if any of her MS doctors had told her that or not. Your Mom knowing this will just upset her more :(
I forgot to mention the smoking. Maybe your mother would be open to using e-cigarettes or some other nicotine replacement. It is not fair for you to have to donate so much of yourself in order for her to smoke.
farmerjo, how often does your Mom smoke? I wouldn't be surprised if it is quite a bit since she is so upset with life. How are you dealing with the smoke in the house? It's not like your Mom can easily go outside to smoke. Just one smoker in the house would send me packing and moving elsewhere [no offense to those here who smoke, it's just that I lost too many loved ones and friends to the damage that cigarettes can cause].
I currently trying to get disibility. Doctors i have are behind me with getting it as cfs just one of the things i am dealing with.

And the horses are whats keeping me sane. I havent been able to work for 4 years due to my own health problems before that i manly worked for myself did jobs for people if that was renos or fixin fences custom haying etc ...as i had to work around my mom and have my own hours..once my health went downhill and my mothers went down hill ...i have been home to care for her and try keep things going house work..yard work etc..least my dad does help with that. My dad is type of person who cant or wont understand a illness. Plus you have to think when someone is bickering with you all the time you really dont want to be around them. I get why he is like that..i am little different as can understand a little what my mom is going through. Plus i think better at trying to see the positive in things. Just at times like today she was able to drag me down in a sense. She was never a happy person even before she could not walk was always in the thinking the grass is greener on the other side. The no money thing dosent bother me as much as her. I have been a saver all my life ..live simple dont need much to be happy. I dont really think of the future i know i should but for me its day by day. For dreams i always wanted to be married etc...just never have had the time to go out meet men. One day iam sure something would happen..i figure if can get my health under control id go back working again doing odd jobs always enjoyed that.
As for the smoking ya she smokes a bit same as dad..and iam currently almost quit down to odd smoke every couple days. I am needing to quit as docs say that can possibly help my cfs if i quit. Smoke dosent bother me prob cause have always been around it.
Is your mom's depression being treated?
Wanted to say thank you all for the comments. Most people like my brother who left the family long ago he could not stand my mothers negitive thinking and bickering. And he was mad at me or feels guilty i dont really know as he wont and hasent talked with me either. Most people what i have seen distant or leave when someone is so miserable i get that as its a toxic enviroment. As been told before i should just pack up and go. I just havent been able to do that as i see someone in pain and not able to accept there illness and become upmost miserable...she is my mother not sure if its hard wired in me to want to care for her not sure i just cant leave someone who needs the help. As everyone else in her life has left. My dads here but he has left her emotionally. Its not right at all..but what can you do. I know for my health leaving would be good thing it would take massive amount of stress off. I figured once she really can no longer live here and has no choice but go into a care place thats when i will get my life and health in order. As its looking be i would think in the next few years as she keeps relapsing and gettin more worse every couple months. It was my choice to do this i dont regret it...it does get very hard at times. As wished she could accept the ms and just try enjoying life even if thats just enjoying nature from her scooter. I have met other people with ms and do have a positive outlook in life they are the ones that are doing better. I have seen how being negitive can take your health or make one go downhill. Best joy i have everyday is when iam in the barn. So peacefull. Anyways thank you all again for your comments about my venting sometimes one just needs to do that..as that in it self helps.
Glad you came here. When someone writes, I know that we don't really have the answers to fix things. Many of us are in the same position that you are. All we can do is take it a day at a time, try to be as happy as possible, and plan for things we know that we and our loved ones will need. The holidays can be a particularly bad time. We hope for the Waltons and what we get is the Bunkers. We just do the best we can.

I hope the disability will go through for you. I know it would help, even though you don't need much. Our lives as caregivers can be so uncertain. It's always nice to have a little cushion to call our own.
farmerjo, I am thinking maybe why your Dad doesn't help with your Mom's health needs is because at first your brother was there helping, and now you are there helping.... so he doesn't need to participate in that regard.

My own Dad is helplessly clueless about anything that has to do with women's health. Which means he doesn't pay attention to my Mom's health or my health. Total opposite from my sig other who as soon as a doctor diagnoses a problem with me, he's on the computer looking up all the information he can find to learn about it.

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