I moved my 87 year old mom in with my wife and myself this week. My mom is having issues forgetting where she is and what is going on with her health. She is bed ridden and have to wear a diaper. My wife has been a hero in how she has handle my mom. But for myself I feel so useless. I am fortunate enough to be retired while my wife works. I am having a hard time dealing with the task of cleaning my mom. I know my mom feels so embarrassed as much as I do. Even at times she gets angry at me which makes me feel like dirt. Today was the hardest day of all when I walk in my mom's room she had taken her diaper off and had her hands and clothing covered with Festus. I just went into shock. I was lucky enough that my sister in law came by and help me clean her up. I wondering if I am doing right by my mom in trying to take care of her. She was in a nursing home for a week but hated it. I am not even sure why I am writing this post but needed to let it out. Any advise?..How can I handle thus without losing my mind..........

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The person you really need to ask if you're doing the right thing is your wife. It sounds like she's bearing the brunt of the burden of caring for your mom. That's not really fair to her, particularly since she's still working full-time. In my humble opinion, you either need to get some help for your wife or your mom needs to go back to the nursing home, where there are three shifts of people to care for her instead of one very tired wife and a husband who wants to do the right thing but is embarrassed by dealing with mom's basic hygiene.

What you're doing is noble, but it comes with a cost - and that cost is to your wife primarily. If your mom has dementia, her reasoning ability is gone, so she may not be happy where ever she is. You have to consider your wife first and your mom second, again in my humble opinion.
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Just wanted to add. I would always say good morning mom, it is Patrice . If she appeared a little confused, could tell by the look on her face, I would say we are laying in bed in your room . It is also important to stand directly in front of her so she can see your face. I would also gently rub her hand. Be consistent with the way you speak to her and using the same words each time you greet her. For my mom this made a difference. Watch the videos on you tube that were made by Teepa Snow. I saw an answer that someone else posted and found them to very informative . I always told my Mom exactly what I was doing, going to wipe your face off now, let me dry it now, etc.
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Maybe you can get someone to help you during the day while your wife is at work. We all feel overwhelmed and useless at times. Just take one day at a time, one crisis at a time. Another caregiver there with you would help you learn better, easier, quicker ways to do things, it always is easier if you have hello. Perhaps putting a babying monitor into mom's room or a bell she could ring if she needs you . For myself, I always felt better being in the same room with mom, however my mom was not moving around by herself. During last two years of my moms life she had her two grandsons (just graduated college) helping with her care. It was difficult for all at first but mom felt better clean and dry. Hang in there, in my opinion you are doing the right thing.
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