May I vent?

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How many people get "it's like you have kids" or "that shouldn't be a problem to do _____ around him". No, it's not like children. Children can be disciplined. They don't have 78 years of being a certain why & in their own mindset. You cannot untrain that (I.E. Women are "cooks", "house workers", etc)
Do not expect to have the same conversation that you had with him prior to Alzheimers & expect to have the same person there. This guy wants to practice shooting a gun in our back yard (we have space to do it, nothing fancy). Gpa is nonstop looking for his pistol (bc I always hide it and all...so he accuses me). Him not having his pistol causes issues every day. This guy says we'll it shouldn't be a problem...--yes you are right! It shouldn't. However he's brain is not activating like it use too. Not only that but every time we have company we have the worst time getting him to bed, add someone shooting a gun to the occasion....not sure how it will go.

People really don't get it.
Okay, I apologize. I didn't want to vent on fb. I don't want to vent to my husband. No reason for both of us to be irked.

15 Comments

Vent away kiddo. We are here to listen (or read I should say). No people don't get it if they haven't experienced it. They truly, honest to goodness don't have a clue unless they have walked a mile in your shoes. Caring for a person with Alzheimer's is like no other situation. Every day brings new challenges. New experiences. New heartbreak, and new joy. I do think the guns would have to go, but if you are handling it, good. Stay the course. Ignore the rest.
Thank you Rocknrobin. So nice to have someone to lean on & understands.
:)
No we have taken all guns away (hidden in a super duper safe that gpa hasn't seen). Last time the guy came I took gpa grocery shopping & he wasn't around the practice shooting.

I always say "everyday is a learning experience because what worked yesterday probably won't work today". I am much more positive now than when I first started this journey. It will be 2 years in Feb since we moved here.
I completely agree. It becomes almost comical, in a macabre way, when people haven't yet got experienced enough to realise that there is no capacity for learning or retention. You might as well try training the cat to make pastry.

But the fresh-faced innocents, they'll spend hours and labour sorting out a "system" that the person with dementia can "easily" follow. Then the look on their face when the person gets the system bafflingly and spectacularly wronggggg!!! I do try not to laugh.

I always put the flannel on the towel rail next to my mother's wash basin. She can't miss it. That must be why one time she went to a great deal of trouble to retrieve the dishcloth from where I used to keep it, down in a corner out of the way, with the disinfectant, and washed her face with that instead. And another time she used a Tena pad. A clean one from the cupboard, I hasten to add, but all the same.

Ours not to reason why. And eventually, once the believers in discipline and routine and consistency and all that, once they get the message, they'll realise there is no comparison with looking after children.
Another one I'm having trouble hearing lately is: "At least you have your mother there for company." People who say this have no idea what it's like to talk with someone with dementia. The conversation makes you feel more alone than if you were completely alone.
I love the helpful advice that starts with the word "just...."
I want to interrupt and say "Just Stuff It!"

These are the same helpful people who bossed us around when we had infants, toddlers, young children, teenagers, and now our elders. Busybody know-it-alls who only know what they imagine is true.

I always say that until someone has come to work a 14 hour shift three days in a row caregiving in your place, they don't get to have an opinion on anything. And this goes for family members as well.
Yes, please vent! For your own psychic health and the health of your marriage. Caregiving can be corrosive to other relationships. "Amen" to all the prior comments. Your journey will be like no one else's and they won't even begin to understand until they have a similar experience. Our 'carees' are not children and rarely good company but an ever present challenging responsibility in mostly uncharted waters. Our best wishes and prayers for you to not only bear up under your situation, but also to be able to ignore those insensitive remarks. Press on.
Don't feel guilty for being stressed either.

What other area besides parenthood do we throw completely untrained, uninformed, and unequipped people in to do a professional job?

I missed the sign up to get the nursing training. I missed the class on safely assisting & transferring a person without injuring your back, neck, & shoulders. My Red Cross babysitter's course from 1983 did not prepare me for in-home elder care feeding, changing, bathing, & entertainment. I missed the elder nutrition & dietetics course. I missed the seminars on the difference between dementia, delirium, and the role of depression. I missed the handout on how dementia patients indicate they are in pain. I also didn't major in elder finance, elder law, estate planning, tax prep, or become an overnight expert on Medicare, Medicaid & the Social Services Maze.

Everything I know, I learned on this site. It gave me the ability to step back and realize I am not the right person for that job, my home will never be the right facility, and trying to replace a professional setup for our situation would be a huge mistake.

I also learned that this journey is full of decisions with options nobody wants to pick. There are so seldom times when everything comes together "as advertised".
Sandwich................you said a mouthful. No pun intended.
Vent , please vent. You are AWESOME!!!!!
So glad to re-find this forum today. Have been caring for MIL for about 4 yrs now, first in our home, then sr. housing around the corner, rehab after a fall and now assisted living. Progressively spending more and more time again with issues of arthritis limiting mobility, incontinence, med and pain mgmt, and lots of others. Hoping she can stay at assisted living level for a while...she is getting to the edges of that (needs increasing) but would not get any more attention in nursing home - probably less - when she was there for rehab after her fall we were getting countless daily calls and trips up there. Not really up for having her move back in here, she is a lovely person and we get along fine but the 24/7 is more than I feel I can do. I work as a homecare PT, have a husband who is not a caregiving type, and 2 teenagers still at home. We did the ER and MD office yesterday due to intractable shoulder pain and are working on how to keep her comfortable, somewhat mobile and engaged. Thanks for the space to vent. Nobody to vent to at home !

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