Parents slowly deteriorating: Mom has ALZ, Dad has mobility issues. What can we do? - AgingCare.com

Parents slowly deteriorating: Mom has ALZ, Dad has mobility issues. What can we do?

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We can't get them to budge on assistance? We moved to Florida last year to give them help. We take them to Dr. Appt.'s, shopping, outings, while they live with other family member, equal ownership in same house. Father wants to sell, brother don't, so dad is stuck in this house, we won't leave it. We have invited them to live with us, where I can cook for them and see they are eating healthy.(Mother has diarhea most of the time because of food, not properly taken care of) She is about a stage 5 now and he is still expecting her to cook for him. He has been taken care of her solely and is really depressed. Evident after seeing him in tears at Thanksgiving dinner talking to pastor. I want to help him and he still won't let me. I've been telling him it will be easier to move her before ALZ gets really bad, he is getting the brundt of abusive remarks. What can we do before something bad really happens, like he break a hip as he is very unstable. A soon to be big problem for all?

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And BIL refuses to buy Dad out. I guess he thinks it will be his anyway when his folks pass away.
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I did send a letter to their dr. who explained he questioned FIL about the situation at his house and was told it was all heresay. SIL isn't concerned about them eating bad food, she wants them out of her house. Last dr appt with them, MIL gained 12 lbs in a month and he gained 6. So frustating dealing with this. My hands are tied and they think they are doing fine. I know FIL is getting very depressed as he cried talking to pastor at church christmas dinner. They are both too proud to ask or accept extra help. I get they couldn't even tell me when their sheets were last changed. I'm so frustrated. I have to give it to God, I don't know why the other siblings aren't worried about their parents. I have lost my parents already and this situation is so agravating for me.
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It's the same kitchen, SIL has the attitude "It's all on them" She does not have any part of caregiving. Her husband had been dealing with Cancer and is in remission. She keeps her food separate and they eat on a different schedule. They just share a house, there is no family unity in that house. They are leaving to visit her mother over Thanksgiving and I'm planning on going over there more while she is away and "working on them". I am currently unemployed and could stay that way to take care of them if they moved in and helped with some of the bills. I talked to them 3 years ago about getting POA, making wills, etc. They have done nothing. They are mostly ignorant to what they need to do. They both are not educated. I would like to take them out to a meeting I attended last year on care giving and dementia. It was very enlightening. I will write another letter to their doctor to see what happens. If I don't get a reply I am really going to encourage FIL I think it's time for a change. She is on breathing machine and tells me she cleans it but I doubt it. She constantly has sinus issues, and I feel its due to this machine with moldy water supply. The doctor talked to me once before when he was concerned about medicine management. Until they move in with us, I can't really do much more. At my house there would be rules. One of them is getting all their meds off the headboard in the bedroom. I discussed with FIL about the progression of ALZ and she could be over medicating. But still there. So many issues with these people.
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Oh, and call the doc's office. Get the fax number and fax over a letter detailing your concerns about their health and safety. As the office staff for confimation that the doctor got it and has read it. If you and your husband are not health care proxiies, the doc can't talk to you, but YOU can inform him of what's going on.
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If he has no feeling in his feet, I would take him to the ER. This is diabetic neuropathy and could lead to amputation, I believe.

Find a doctor in the area who specializes in Geriatrics. Make them an appointment. "To ask permission is to seek denial". Tell them, don't ask them.

Is there Meals on Wheels where they live?

Are they cooking in SIL's kitchen? Is she concerned about them eating spoiled food, contaminating her food?
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Brother in law is refusing to buy FIL out. I think he believes he will just inherit house. Can't really have extra help in house because of other issues with BIL and wife. Their doctor sucks. They let me help them do some things like the check book, call in prescriptions, etc. SIL has made it very clear that she does not want us there and told her kitchen her stuff and I cant use it. She won't even clean the bathroom that parents use or help cook for them. Yes, she is eating food that is spoiled and bad. They got me at me because I threw out eggs that were sitting in the car overnight(day and 1/2) and we live in florida. No way would I let them eat that. Both are in denial, I've offered to cook there, but SIL Chased me away. I bring them over to my house and they always are like, you don't need to cook for us. They do need help, if you offer, they so no. They don't want to be a burden for anyone. They never tell the doctor everything. I once wrote him a letter about her cooking habits, melted a plastic bottle of oil pouring hot oil back into. He never responded or called me. FIL has diabetis and I've never seen his feet, always wearing socks. He has no feeling in his feet whatsoever. Doctor told him he needs to walk, but it is very painful for him, so he only walks when he has to. Too proud to take his walker to church, insists on his cane. Scarey!!! I"m going over this morning to take them to the store and balance their checkbook. I think FIL is feeling by now that we are badgering him to move in with us. That was the whole point of our move from MI to FL was to care for them. They are great people, but proud, don't really want to ask for help. Can't get them ready to move. Need a different doctor too, FIL has suggested might be a good idea, but they don't like change, so this is gonna be hard to do anything different for them.
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Can other family member buy dad out?

What sort of help is dad refusing? to move mom to a NH where she will be well taken care of? Or to bringing in help? Will he allow himself to be evaluated for depression and possibly meds for that? He's unstable on his feet? Will doctor order PT for that?

As you sense, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Will Dad accept limited help, say "a laundress" or "a cook"? Sometimes if you pitch home health aides in this way, it sits better with elders. It frames the help in a way that they can connect to.

With regard to mom's bowels, what does the doctor say? Do you mean that she's eating spoiled food or just food that is bad for her?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but post back so that we can all help to solve this.
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