For those of you that live with your elderly loved one and you have children of your own...

Started by

How do you help them handle the situation ? I feel as if Ive dragged my children into a nightmare. For most of their lives it was just the 4 of us. We struggled financially, had our share of arguments but we were always happy. Now that we have moved in with my father, their lives have been filled with drama. My siblings asked me to move in. However my father sees it as me and my children being dumped on him. He has treated my oldest child horribly. His HHA is jealous of us living in the house so she also tries to make us uncomfortable. She wants the run of the place during her work hours. If the children have company, she complains that their guests were rude to her. How am I supposed to help my children cope ? They are very unhappy. There is constant arguing. Not to mention my father treating my sister like the Queen and me her lowly servant. I feel like I give much more time to my father and his drama than to my own children. My father does not even need a whole lot of care. He mainly has a HHA for companionship and meal preparation.

6 Comments

I would start looking for another place to live. Your first responsibility is your children. If you are determined to continue this lifestyle, get the kiddos into some kind of therapy. Not knowing their ages, I can just assume each child is reacting age appropriate to what sounds like a miserable existence for them.

You and your Father might benefit from some kind of counseling as well. Boundaries need to be set immediately as to how he is to treat the children and you. A good face to face conversation with the HHA should set her place in the family as very limited involvement with the children. The kiddos should be respectful but protected from the needless drama and arguments. Not good for them see Mom being treated like a servant. Good luck!
toomuch4me, why on earth did your siblings feel you needed to have moved into your father's home?

Your Dad's not happy with the arrangement.... his Home Help Aide isn't happy now having instead of one person to watch over she now has 4 children and their friend to also watch, surprised she is still there.... you aren't happy..... and the children aren't happy, either.

Time to start looking for new housing so everyone can get back to normal. Plus your children need to remember Grandpa as being a fun loving guy, instead of someone who is probably grumpy because of the kids being underfoot with their friends and acting like kids.

See if you can get your siblings to pay for your security deposit at your new residence since it was their idea in the first place.
Your dad has an aide and needs little help.
It is not working for him or you.
Who cares what your sibling thinks, or why she wanted you there.
Dad will eventually need more help, and it will get worst.
Move out now. Visit dad often, call daily, check on him, spend holidays, bring cupcakes, but move out.
Yes, your first responsibility is to your children. How long have you been there? This brings back memories of when my Grandma used to visit. I dreaded those visits as she was constantly telling us to help our mother, folks were divorced, then he passed, so mom needed lots of support. That was not our job and the large majority fell to me being the oldest. Created one big dysfunctional family!

Find a way to get out of there. This is not a healthy environment for your children.



FreqFlyer, the HHA does not watch my children. I work from home. She has no responsibility toward my children whatsover.
My girls are quiet. You dont even know that they are around most of the time. They are preteen and teens not small children. They are gone from 8:30am-5pm. and that is during the HHa's work hours. Im very mindful and always try to make sure they are not even in the kitchen area once she is prepared to start my father's meals.

The friends that visit know the rules of our home and they respect it. The HHA feels that they look at her a certain way and assume she is the "maid". If they do not give her a cheerful hello they are rude in her opinion. Meanwhile she brings her own child every weekday.

Ive been living with my father for two years next month. At the time my siblings wanted me to move in, my father had just experienced a fall and everyone that was living in the building I had been living in was forced to move out. So everyone thought it would be perfect. I wouldnt have to pay rent and Dad could have company. Wrong. After living with him for two years, if he was not the one who initiated the situation then he doesnt like it. So since my siblings asked me to move in, he acts as if we were dumped on him even though it was discussed with him before we even moved in. He was the one that initially brought up the idea.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support