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I want to get my life back. The burdens have fallen on me for my mom, the sale of her condo, personal care, etc. I quit my job to care for her because I felt heartsick that I have cared for my mother-in-law for 5 years this June. My mom has been declining for 2 years and she has more cognitive functioning but mobility problems, severe incontinence, and aphasia from two frontal lobe strokes - one on the right and one on the left. My mother-in-law doesn't engage in activities anymore, falls asleep all the time, even when eating. She has a pacemaker, very low blood pressure, mild incontinence and has gotten angry and agitated more often. I want to return to teaching and have done all the leg work to finally get in professional CHHAs. My husband doesn't think that my mother-in-law has declined that much in 5 years. He doesn't want to place her in a LTC facility. He is now not speaking to me and I feel horrible. I believe he feels guilty that my mother-in-law put money into the addition on our home so that she could live with us. I think he thinks my mom is now just mooching off it, because we are the only ones in the family with a large enough place for housing them both safely. I just want personal freedom and my life back. I am burned out.

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He needs to try taking care of them for at least a week before he can have an opinion. Have him quit his job while you pay the bills - there should be enough money coming in between the three of you (yourself and two moms).
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Your husband is choosing his mom over you. In my opinion no house is big enough for a wife, husband, and husband's mom under the same roof. Maybe some have made it work, but far too many stories have not worked. Ya'll could benefit greatly from some marriage counseling for the two of you.

I wish you well and keep in touch.
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Way to go Doris! Stand up for yourself and have a life. Good luck and don't take no s.... From hubby.
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Thanks for the advice. I will get my mom placed and leave my mother-in-law's care totally and completely up to him. He will have to clean up after her etc.
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Doris, I assume your hubby is at work when you are caregiving for his mother and your own mother... thus he has little idea what is involved.

I agree with cwillie above, resume your career.... you had lost 5 years worth of salary, paid medical insurance, monies added to your social security/Medicare, 401(k) or school pension, and whatever other benefits you would have received... if you add up what you had lost in salary then add up the *net worth* of the benefits, it could be in the $100k mark.

If mom-in-law can't stay home alone, then let hubby have his turn at being her caregiver for awhile. As for the home addition, bet that was put into place back when your hubby's mother was more mobile and could do a lot of things for herself. I think we all tend to forget that our parent will become older and along with that we forget about the decline.
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I assume the burden of your MIL's care has always fallen on you so it is probably understandable that your husband doesn't see or believe in her decline. Get your mom placed and go ahead with renewing your career. As you step back from day to day care MIL's deficits will become more apparent. Hopefully your relationship is sound enough that you can have a frank discussion with him about YOUR needs. If he wants to keep her in your home he will need to agree to bring in whatever help is needed. (Oh, and she needs to pay for it)
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