I'm about to break.

Started by

My mother has lived with me for 8 yrs. Within the past i would say 5/6 months i have seen a change in her behavior it took 3 mri s to finally get her diagnosed with dementia / Alzheimer's. ...it started Easter nite the agitation and got worse every nite when i get home she only has mild dementia but that week shectried to hit me on sevetal occasions i video taped her saying awful things to me 30 min she didnt remember. Then she got a footstool out of the garage i told her she coukdnt get up on it she has fallen 8 times no breaks she thtew it at me i still have the bruises i took her yo er they took her to a hospital behavior center was there two weeks then transfered her to nursing home it was like nite of the living dead awful i got her out my brother stays with during the day then goes to work when i get home...but she gets so angry at something so small and i am tited of being the one who has done everything for her and she takes it all out on me. im getting very very down and depressed


Lori - I'm sorry the first nursing home you tried was bad - investigate others. This attempt to care for her at home with this behavior is not a tenable situation for your safety or hers and simply cannot continue. It is not your fault, and it is not probably not your mom's fault that she can no longer control herself.

POSSIBLY - another geropsych stay with medication management could change her behaviorally substantially enough to make a difference; I'm guessing you got no meds because you pulled her out AMA from the facility? Or maybe they were overmedicating and you stopped everything instead of jut cutting back on dosages or asking about changing meds? And, are you sure the facility was bad, or was it your own guilt and emotions (seeing a parent decline is a terrible stress and burden for anybody, even if they aren't getting physically beaten up in the process) that made impossible for you to let her stay there?
To Lori63: Read my posts here. I think you did a good thing by " pulling her out AMA " from the nursing home. I lost my grandmother in a similar situation except mine was worse. I have an injury in my spine. I had two relatives on wheelchair at the nursing home where they both got the cold treatment. Neglect. Lack of hygiene. No heat in the rooms. etc until my grandmother got chest congested. They discriminate in all those places if you are old and do no have much of a family despite what you might hear from people. Hospitals will talk about nursing homes all the time because the entire health care system is based on money NOT CARE. Hospitals love to refer patients to nursing home because they probably get benefits from doing so. Nursing homes just love to charge $ 500 dollars per day ( the rate I heard from them ) for each resident for care that is next to nothing. I think my relatives would have received better care being on the street than in a nursing home. Lawyers know this, but they cannot do anything. It is up to our great legislators who have not looked into this human rights abuse closely because they are busy campaigning. The best care that your relatives can get is at home with their families. I had my grandparent under my care for many more years than you had yours and I lost mine in less than 2 weeks at the nursing home. They did not help them at all. I am amazed how there are still some people out there talking about how good nursing homes are. They are disgusting. They are probably rats that work in those places. Listen, we are all going to die someday. No one can deny that, but if you are going to take care of someone do it with dignity. Make them feel comfortable at least. Do you understand? In my case this did not happen with my parents. Don't trust these places because when you do you will have to be ready for the funeral expenses and the cemetery plots/ or cremation expenses. They are hiring people that they call CNAs which know nothing about the human body. They go for a quick three week course, get a certificate and start " working " in those places. They are the ones, including some nurses too, who have been caught hitting patients. That is if you catch them.think you get the point.
Find a nursing home, there are nice ones out there just research and visit first. Your mother needs to be in one asap for her sake and yours. My brother and I visit my mom often. I make sure she is taken care of. I think at this point it's the only thing you can do. Take care and I hope things work out.
The people at nursing homes are killers with a " license to kill " or a " certificate "/ DONT TRUST THESE PLACES because they will kill your family whether you believe it or not. They will.
The best place for your loved ones to be and to die is with their families, not in some nursing home with strangers. This is the culture here in the United States. They were established to " help ", but greediness for money has made these places the point of no return. These places are dangerous and the public is slowly waking up to the truth about them as killing grounds.
Karl; I think you are over-generalizing. My mother who is 92 has been in a nursing home for two years. they have saved her from pneumonia several times, noticed a slowing heart rate and got her to the hospital (she needed a pacemaker). I'd like to say that she'd be dead at least 4 times over if I was caring for her, because I simply don't have the skills that these nursing professional have. Perfect? No, it's not perfect. But mom is much better off that she'd be sitting home with a single caregiver all day long watching television.
After two horrible experiences with two horrible nursing homes for rehab this past year, I finally found a good nursing home where my Mom is for a few weeks rehab. I couldn't believe I found a place where the staff is so caring. It was like night and day the difference between the places....The star medicare ratings made no difference here. I have read that nursing homes attached to larger facilities in a retirement community with apartments and assisted living are often better than just free standing nursing homes, though the one bad one last year had assisted living in it's building too. Unfortunately there are way too many bad places and greed and 3 week course incompetent lazy staff seems to be a trend that needs to stop. Keep looking and check out these larger retirement communities with nursing homes in them if they are in your area.
Dear Lori - I know you're tired, frustrated and at your wit's end. Many of us have been there. Sleepless nights, emotions all over the place and a loved one who is obviously out of her mind (sometimes). My mother lived with us for so long that I developed a heart condition from lack of rest and stress. It took 3 months, but I found a wonderful memory care facility with people who KNEW how to handle her. I saw her every day so I know her care was phenomenal. It was expensive but it saved my life and that of my family. While my mother was seldom violent, there were other patients in this small home who were and I saw how the staff dealt with them. Calmly and firmly. We also had a caregiver for a couple years who came in so I could work. She too was hand-picked and born to do what she does. My mother loved her. Don't make any rash decisions. Do your homework by investigating the facilities near you (check the complaints against them and their ratings). And if and when you do decide to place your loved one in a facility, drop in frequently to make sure their level of care remains high. I can't tell you the level of freedom finding the right place brought to me and my family.
My dad, who suffered from, AD was in a nursing home and only lasted 8 weeks. It was awful. I still have guilt. Now my mom is in a very nice assisted living facility. She could no longer be at home and I tried everything. It is not cheap but the level of care is so much better. She still wants to leave and doesn't understand why he's there, but it is a good place. They do exist but you have to find the right one. Usually the better nursing homes are extremely expensive but when the money runs out they can stay there. Keep looking-this has been the most difficult thing I have ever done, because I wish my mom could be with me, but I don't have the room. Also as they decline mentally and physically, you will too if you don't get the help you need.
Take her back to another nursing home. You cannot subject yourself to physical violence and she will eventually fracture something.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support