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My mother has lived with me for 8 yrs. Within the past i would say 5/6 months i have seen a change in her behavior it took 3 mri s to finally get her diagnosed with dementia / Alzheimer's. ...it started Easter nite the agitation and got worse every nite when i get home she only has mild dementia but that week shectried to hit me on sevetal occasions i video taped her saying awful things to me 30 min she didnt remember. Then she got a footstool out of the garage i told her she coukdnt get up on it she has fallen 8 times no breaks she thtew it at me i still have the bruises i took her yo er they took her to a hospital behavior center was there two weeks then transfered her to nursing home it was like nite of the living dead awful i got her out my brother stays with during the day then goes to work when i get home...but she gets so angry at something so small and i am tited of being the one who has done everything for her and she takes it all out on me. im getting very very down and depressed

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Thank you, mcarver...I am having a birthday party for my aunt June 3rd, which is the actual day she turns 99. Her sister, who is 101, is flying in from Florida, along with her two granddaughters and son. We will have a house full of laughter, and memories. Many others are coming...It'll be tiring but worth it. marymember
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only a dedicated caregiver can understand what you go through; and I just want you to know that I have the highest respect for you. I know its not easy...there are days that one wonders what it would be like to have "a life" of their own; but somehow there is something inside of us that wants us to do the right thing. That's what you do. God Bless You.
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I am almost 80 years old...I had to put my aunt in a nursing home because I could not drive 150 miles to her run down home to see after her. The neighborhood was a terrible one. Criminals, drug addicts, etc. One neighbor had been shot to death. She had fallen and could no longer walk. She had to depend on friends to bring her groceries and take her clothes to the laundry. (she was 96yrs. old)..She made me POA because I lived the closest to her in miles.
My husband has Alzheimers and it takes so much of my energy each day.

Also, I am POA to a friend who is almost blind. She is 75 and I was able to have her live in her apartment with home health care until she began falling. She fell one evening and wouldn't push her alert button because she didn't want to disturb the neighbors. She stayed on the floor, unable to get up, until Meals on Wheels came at noon the next day.

Then she fell again, and wouldn't use her alert button.

She was falling so much that I had to put her in assisted living. There she has a mini apartment and good care. She isn't medicaid, but when her money runs out she will have to go to a nursing home. By then, though, she may be blind.

It's a hard job being a caregiver....but I do my best...marymember

p.s. My aunt is doing very well in the nursing home. I go real often. The home is very clean..pleasant staff of whom most have been there for years. Good food and a pleasant roommate. It is Methodist based...the chaplain comes to her room and talks to her. She can get around in a wheel chair, tho, so she leaves her room for all meals..marymember
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I appreciate all your comments im taking her to see a phychrtrist to check the meds situation. For now my brother is with in the day and im with her at night we had two normal calm nights then last nite wasnt so great what i have to remember as hard as it is when she tries to hit me or says awful things i cant react the normal way you would i have to just let her have her rant and in an hr she doesnt remember it sorry for typos doing this on my phone. If there is anyone on here that lives in Oklahoma city i would like to get a weekly support group going the ones here are once a month during day while im at work
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I had to put my mom in a care facility finally at last stage Alzheimer's. I went every day. Was it ideal? No. But I could no longer care for her at my home. I couldn't lift her, she couldn't walk sometimes, Alzheimer's is nuts like that. They can run when they want to believe me. We couldn't fit a wheel chair through my hallways and doorways. I was at that nursing home every day for 9 months until she died. My sister went almost every evening . That is the key. You don't "dump" them there, you share the care with professionals. The more you are present the better the care. It is just that way. You cannot feel guilty about this.If it is needed you do it. My mom was on Medicaid, this was not a pretty or fancy facility, but she was clean and fed and warm. And Loved. I was not the only one who cried when she died, some of the staff cried too. Having her family there humanized her.
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Nevermind the typos...what if your grandfather had made it difficult as hell to care of him? Did he abuse you, yell at you, refuse care, threaten you, lie to the doctor, call in APS reports about his care, give your POAs to someone else, weigh 300 pounds and refuse to use a lift, refuse to let anyone else but you help and keep you prisoner in his house 24 x 7 x 365 (in your case x 35)? Or did he mean well but get to demanding that every minute something else had to be done and it was barely possible to go to the restroom while he was awake, and maybe not sleep at night either?

You were undoubtedly a great caregiver. You have not walked in everyone's shoes though...some of us needed to use facilities for any and all or those reasons, and we made damn sure we watched like hawks for all of the reasons you stated. We settled for less than perfect, because we were less than perfect too, but we did not settle for substandard; we bucked and fussed when doctors or nurses would not work well with our loved one, or would not share information with us and our POA papers were copied and distributed over and over again to make sure that we and our loved ones got what we needed. And yeah, we made a few batches of brownies and bought chocolates. A lot of our CNAs are African-American here and mostly gentle and wonderful. They lost stuff sometimes, but were quick to help Mom. Stuff could mostly be replaced. My Dad had a Polish one who especially looked out for him and called him "The Professor."

It doesn't have to be all or nothing or a "dump" - even if it is "trust, but verify." I cannot just agree with the view that assisted living, subacute rehab, and skilled nursing facilities are all horrible places and exist only because some children and grandchildren and spouses are bad or not loving enough people. And...you are writing in the past tense - it sounds like your grandfather has passed on; you have my condolences on your loss, which I know is on top of your losing your grandmother too. NO ONE in their right mind would blame you for his death - again, it was not a thing that you could have prevented, though you undoubtedly postponed it. DON'T let guilt over your grandmother's death in a nursing home make you bitter and make you lash out at people whose experience has been different...I repeat, all nursing homes are just NOT that bad and all people who find themselves needing to use one are not bad people either.
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Sorry about the typos here.
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To all those here who write that there are good nursing homes out there be my guest take your loved one(s) there and hope for the best. People are gullible. This is one of our weaknesses. We believe when someone smiles at us. People are hypocrites. It is very rare to find a real caregiver. It is almost non existent. Everything is based on money. Doctors, nurses, the so called " professional " CNA's ( What a joke ) all these people base their services on money not caring. If you are a fool you will believe them. Again, I repeat the best place for your loved one to be and to die is with you. The idea of nursing homes and assisted living has been a failure in this country. The animals who killed my grandparent told me themselves that her insurance was paying them $ 500 dollars a day for care that was next to non existent !!!!!!!! Nursing homes and assisted living places are killing grounds with a license to kill and they can get away with that AND they know that. This is why not even the police wants to get involved when someone dies in a nursing home because it is all like a chain. They are all connected. If you do not believe this you are either a fool, a rat that works in those places, or a very gullible person whose opinion will dramatically change until you go through the system, until you end up in these hell places, but by then unless you have someone to help you it will be too late. So, go ahead, find a nursing home for your loved ones and keep smiling......then you will talk about it later. If you are still around. If your loved ones are not that important to you then dump them at a nursing home. I was caring for my granddparent for close to 35 year people, while I was managing school and then work. We never depended on these greedy and disgusted nursing homes and assisted living. I was doing it all alone !!!!!! Am I a doctor? no, but guess what ...I have eyes to see, ears to hear, a mouth to speak, arms and legs to move. I took my grandparent to the hospital for follow ups and care. I asked questions and collected test results. I was deeply involved in my grandparent's care. If you have enough interest in your loved one's well being you do not need to be a doctor. That is why there are hospitals with doctors. You ask questions and follow up on the appointments. If your love for your loved one is so so then be my guest you can dump them at a nursing home or assisted living. We did not depend on your CNA's and so called " nurses and doctors " at those nursing homes who are mostly from the Caribbean and the Phillipines. They can barely speak English. Don't forget to bring candy to those beasts at your nursing home, may be they will like you more.
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And I quote from a caregiver article on this site:
It is not our responsibility to take care of our parents.
It is our responsibilty to see that they get care.
Quote is not verbatim, sorry I cannot reference the article.
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It sounds as if she needs a low dose of medication to help calm her down. You have to remember, she has dementia and really is unable to control herself as she used to do. Learn how to deal with her behaviors, call the Alzheimer's association. Just because one nursing home was a bad experience doesn't mean they all will be the same. Contact your local long term care ombudsman, they can give you information about what to look for in a home. Also you can look online at nursing home compare, this will give you ratings and survey results for local nursing homes. Check to see if there is a local adult medical day care, it's a great services and mom could go there, eat a meal, participate in activities and socialize. You can ask the AAA about caregiver services as well. Good luck.
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