My mother has lived with me for 8 yrs. Within the past i would say 5/6 months i have seen a change in her behavior it took 3 mri s to finally get her diagnosed with dementia / Alzheimer's. ...it started Easter nite the agitation and got worse every nite when i get home she only has mild dementia but that week shectried to hit me on sevetal occasions i video taped her saying awful things to me 30 min she didnt remember. Then she got a footstool out of the garage i told her she coukdnt get up on it she has fallen 8 times no breaks she thtew it at me i still have the bruises i took her yo er they took her to a hospital behavior center was there two weeks then transfered her to nursing home it was like nite of the living dead awful i got her out my brother stays with during the day then goes to work when i get home...but she gets so angry at something so small and i am tited of being the one who has done everything for her and she takes it all out on me. im getting very very down and depressed
My husband has Alzheimers and it takes so much of my energy each day.
Also, I am POA to a friend who is almost blind. She is 75 and I was able to have her live in her apartment with home health care until she began falling. She fell one evening and wouldn't push her alert button because she didn't want to disturb the neighbors. She stayed on the floor, unable to get up, until Meals on Wheels came at noon the next day.
Then she fell again, and wouldn't use her alert button.
She was falling so much that I had to put her in assisted living. There she has a mini apartment and good care. She isn't medicaid, but when her money runs out she will have to go to a nursing home. By then, though, she may be blind.
It's a hard job being a caregiver....but I do my best...marymember
p.s. My aunt is doing very well in the nursing home. I go real often. The home is very clean..pleasant staff of whom most have been there for years. Good food and a pleasant roommate. It is Methodist based...the chaplain comes to her room and talks to her. She can get around in a wheel chair, tho, so she leaves her room for all meals..marymember
You were undoubtedly a great caregiver. You have not walked in everyone's shoes though...some of us needed to use facilities for any and all or those reasons, and we made damn sure we watched like hawks for all of the reasons you stated. We settled for less than perfect, because we were less than perfect too, but we did not settle for substandard; we bucked and fussed when doctors or nurses would not work well with our loved one, or would not share information with us and our POA papers were copied and distributed over and over again to make sure that we and our loved ones got what we needed. And yeah, we made a few batches of brownies and bought chocolates. A lot of our CNAs are African-American here and mostly gentle and wonderful. They lost stuff sometimes, but were quick to help Mom. Stuff could mostly be replaced. My Dad had a Polish one who especially looked out for him and called him "The Professor."
It doesn't have to be all or nothing or a "dump" - even if it is "trust, but verify." I cannot just agree with the view that assisted living, subacute rehab, and skilled nursing facilities are all horrible places and exist only because some children and grandchildren and spouses are bad or not loving enough people. And...you are writing in the past tense - it sounds like your grandfather has passed on; you have my condolences on your loss, which I know is on top of your losing your grandmother too. NO ONE in their right mind would blame you for his death - again, it was not a thing that you could have prevented, though you undoubtedly postponed it. DON'T let guilt over your grandmother's death in a nursing home make you bitter and make you lash out at people whose experience has been different...I repeat, all nursing homes are just NOT that bad and all people who find themselves needing to use one are not bad people either.
It is not our responsibility to take care of our parents.
It is our responsibilty to see that they get care.
Quote is not verbatim, sorry I cannot reference the article.
Her eyesight was getting worse, and so I made appointments for her and the nursing home took her to an excellent specialist where she had laser surgery..then both cataracts removed, and then treatment for macular degeneration. She had neglected her eyesight and was in danger of going blind. The nursing home van took her to all appointments, and were there many! The driver would not take a tip. The appointments were out of town and involved three different specialists. Due, luckily, to her being Medicaid it was affordable. Didn't cost her a thing..(she had been disabled a long time, but could walk with a walker)....(at first)
When her almost $1,000 macular magnifying glass disappeared, the nursing home would not let me pay for another one, although I tried three times. The director drove to Austin, picked up a new one, and gave it to her. A safety box was installed in her room and the key hangs around her neck.
The person who was thought to have taken it was fired. There has not been another incident of stealing, altho my aunt, who doesn't trust anyone, has thought things were stolen but were not. She just didn't see them.
She will be 99 June 3rd. Her sister is 101 and is flying to Texas from Florida to see her, along with two granddaughters.
Lately my aunt has been suspicious again...but nothing is missing...
So this is one nursing home we were blessed to place her in. I have known numerous people who have placed loved ones here...marymember
You say your mother is verbally abusive to you as well, this will wear you down quickly, another advantage of NH is that you can leave when she is abusive to you. Good luck.
Here are some things I found helpful in addressing the challenges of my own struggle and journey with my Mom:
I kept reminding myself that the person is not the disease, and the disease is not the person.
I adjusted my own behaviour to be less confrontational, more patient, more accommodating, less argumentative, less blaming and more understanding. The more I was able to soften my own behaviour, the less problematic my mother's behaviour was.
I learned to never argue; I just always agreed, even when I knew whatever she was saying was completely wrong.
I practiced Q-TIP: Quit Taking It Personally - see the first point above. It's not about you it's about the disease.
I tried to imagine what it would feel like to be in her position. When I did that it was much easier to empathize and say things like: "You sound frustrated and angry. I understand. I would be frustrated and angry too.. You're right. I don't blame you for feeling like you do. I would feel like that too."
I stopped trying to make her do what I wanted and let her do what she wanted.
I made sure to do things to reduce my own anxiety and increase my well being so I could be as strong and patient as possible. I did things such as exercise. it was hard to find the time to do things for myself but it was essential to maintain my sanity.
I forgave myself when I got angry or frustrated or made mistakes or broke down. I'm only human...
I don't know if any of that might work for you, but these are the kinds of things that were helpful for me.
Also, you might want to check out some of Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She has practical ways to deal with behaviours that a part of the dementia journey - the aggressive behaviour can often be managed by changing your own behaviour.
Good nursing homes with well-trained caring staff seem to be hard to find. They are out there I'm sure, but few and far between :(