My Mom doesn't want to get up in the morning. What do I do? - AgingCare.com

My Mom doesn't want to get up in the morning. What do I do?

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My mom is starting to refuse getting up in the morning. I have been going to the nursing home every morning to help the aides. All she will do is cry and say she's tired. She wants to die. She is very confused and very scared and says "I can't believe this is happening" (she means the incontinence which she is freaked out about and CANNOT ACCEPT). I can finally convince her to get up but it is taking it's toll on me. I feel I cannot do it anymore. If I don't go I am left with the image of my mom crying and the aides FINALLY getting her into her wheelchair where she stares at her breakfast. It's a horrible thought for me that I cannot bear. What do I do?

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I liked Cwillie's suggestion of letting the aids get your mom up and going in the morning and you joining her for breakfast. That would give her a reason to want to get up. When my dad was at the nursing home for rehab after a stroke, they were firm about getting him up and dressed and to breakfast and he went along with it surprisingly well. In fact, I think he was glad someone else was in charge. Now I find he picks up quickly on my voice and if I have a positive approach to things, he is happier about going along. Works for kids and dogs, too.
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Georgetown, are you glad she has an aide?
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I agree with WritersLife...well said! My Mom is 86 and lives alone with an aid 4 times a week. I go everday as well. I have learned to let go and just be with her and show compassion which allows her to open up more about her feelings.

One day at a time and no worries about schedules. Make sure she takes meds and do the best you can. Love and tenderness have worked best for me. It's difficult but part of the cycle.
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understand, captain, hopefully it will still happen for her; at least she's in a safe place where hopefully it can
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i stayed with my aunt at her IL for several days almost a year ago when doc said she could no longer be alone . she curled up in her recliner safe in the knowlege that someone was there in case she needed them and it was obvious to me that she hoped to sleep peacefully and at some point pass away .
that wasnt to be . she was found a spot in NH and has lingered on there for ten months . she still confides in me from time to time that her useful days are far behind her and shed like for this to be over with . she still has fun days and teases the people around her but its because she has no choice in the matter . she would have preferred to lie in her recliner , waste away and take the long nap . i would have let her knowing what her wishes were .
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It sounds like the incontinence really is freaking her out. You could tell her it is due to some medical reason or give her some corny excuse and tell her just ignore it we can get you up and out of there anyway, we don't have to tell anyone, they'll all realize that's the problem if you just try to hide it by staying in bed. Or maybe there is someone she thinks the world of who is actually having the same problem. Maybe it is actually some medical reason, like a UTI. Basically you can sympathize that it sucks and its an indignity, but don't agree that its a reason to be ashamed or to live in perpetual pity party mode. And it might get better if she gets up and eats better. I guess that depends on how you feel about therapeutic fibbing, but in a way its not fibbing, I mean you don't want or think her life should be over just because she can't control her bladder any more if there really isn't anything you can do about it.

And, if there really isn't anything you or she can do about it, well, see if you can set the example of not letting it freak YOU out, and not joining in on the pity party. It is not your fault, it is not her fault, and just the fact that she has good care, a safe and pleasant place to be, and YOU in her life are blessings still to be counted. If she can't find positive things because this one negative thing is overwhelming her, you could try to find the positives for her. My mom was mostly incontinent too, but after a while did not feel as bad about it, but incontinence products did have to be properly hidden away especially when we did any outings. Pizza and grandkid visits floated her boat so I organized as much of that as possible for her.

A mg of melatonin at bedtime is probably not ideal...try giving it more like after dinner just to make sure it wears off by the AM; it is not like most sleeping pills that kick in right away, its is neuro-hormonal and works through a series of neurotransmitters in the brain.
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nojoy, my thoughts exactly, what was going on with dad's grandson; he's the one who couldn't let dad go; could understand him not wanting him to go to the nursing home, in that sense but at first he also didn't want to actually take care of him with him needing to be actually taken care of, not just stayed with; wish really they'd just called in hospice then rather than home health but can somewhat understand them not feeling free to do that with him having been under the care of a specialist without getting his input but that's also where I really feel this care coordination really needs to come in because everything got so mixed up and complicated and confusing between all his different specialists with no one taking charge and me not realizing it - they'd ordered some tests that we were told were for one thing and didn't find out for a long time that's not even what they were for so had nothing to do with what he was being put through and then found out that the lesser treatment, if you will, would no longer work because of all the time that had elapsed while they were putting him through all the worse stuff, although actually they hadn't thought it would work anyway but they thought we wanted what they were doing, or rather, they thought his other specialist did and were deferring to him, while he thought it was them and they were the ones ordering it, so if they didn't think he should have it, then why were they ordering it?
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perfect answer from writer's life!! i've been caring my mother and father for the last seven years...and have seen the increase for need to sleep. my mother has dementia...and i use to make her get up at her usual times to eat, clean up, bathroom, walk, whatever. well thru the years...she didn't have to tell me anything it was written all over her face and her slimming body. I get her up twice a day now...to eat and clean up. doctor told me to make sure on rotate her on her sides every two hours...and can change her diapers in bed if need be...it's not as hard as you think...just use the diapers with tape on the sides and you can just roll her on her side when cleaning here insert the diaper...and then lay her down on her back again! i let her sleep on her back thru the night, and as soooon as i wake up...change her diapers and rotate to her side...NO BED Sores!! I keep pillows around her, under head, make sure it's not to fluffly or her head will be stuck in that position...pillow on her chest, one on her back to prop her up...and one between her legs! don't forget that one. pressure on their skin on any part of their bodies causes bed sores. my mom sleeps like a baby, surrounded by pillows...no pain...no pills, no fear, just dying on her own terms. LOVE my momma...hope she dies soon! No one needs to live longer than they have to when they are ill! We wouldn't want to...that's for sure!!
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Sounds like some of the elders might do better with hospice.
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my husband does not want to get up. sometimes he sleeps as much as 18 hours a day. He has LBD. Should I try to make him get up more?
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