Follow
Share

What are my options? He has become so abusive to me saying very hurtful things to and about me. I am a senior too and trying to keep my head above water keeping bills paid and regular household chores and dealing with him. I really can't take much more. My life is so stressful and unhappy. He would never agree to going into a nursing home or somewhere and I would never put him there if it wasn't for the daily abuse. I understand what is causing it but am finding it hard not letting it turn me against him due to the personal attacks. Does anyone have any advise? If he refuses to go in a home do I have any legal options in court to force him to go if it comes to that?

I am working toward getting my abusive, declining family member declared incompetent and their finances under control of a third party as a living trust. It is slow because I need a nice, clear case to petition to remove the finances from the family member's control before they hurt themselves.

When the outbursts are totally out of control is when I make routine calls to the insurance agent, the bank, family members, etc. It is extremely important that others see the full extent of this decline so they are supportive witnesses on any petitions or actions. I handle business calmly while in the background, the screaming, the insults, and the incoherent ramblings can be clearly heard.

This works wonders for daily living, as after being witness to the insanity people are super helpful and also don't listen when the family member makes demands to change an account or do something radical.

I dont feel right doing things like taking photos to show the daily bizarreness, such as that my family member is stripping their clothes off in front of me in the living room by the uncovered windows because they refuse to bring "bugs" into the bedroom by changing clothing there... There's not really a way to document that sort of thing without coming across as a creeper.

But if I am obviously on the phone doing something helpful for them and they are choosing to be totally unhinged, even though it looks bad, then it is less that I am secretly recording and more a window that "wow this has gotten way out of hand" to people outside the situation.

This has been a good stop-gap as I prepare to petition to take away financial control. A local business person I interact with took pity and walked my family member through a government registration process for two hours, bless his friggin soul. He is now 100% "team incompetence" after that but would never have been on board unless he had been witness to the nuthouse in some way.

In doing this I have developed a support network, many many people have had similar issues and their is a sort of bortherhood/sisterhood of the caregiver.

During the somewhat manageable seni-supervised shopping mall trip, there's a wonderful lady who let's me hide in her store and feeds me free samples until I head back out to retrieve my b*tchy, upset family member who is trying to cow a confused store worker for an imagined slight.
(1)
Report

I have a very similar situation. My husband has always been a high functioning alcoholic. He will never admit it. As he has aged, (70)he has become verbally abusive. He takes all his anger out on me. It’s embarrassing and scary. He has not been diagnosed with dementia and refuses to see a doctor. Not only is he abusive, he is extremely negative all the time. He has also lost interest in doing anything at home and in past hobbies and friends. I feel so trapped. I love the man I married,but didn’t foresee my golden years being lived like this. I cry and get angry everyday. I recently joined Alanon to help myself, but he always brings it up and says we are talking about him. Today, he said he should take a gun to my meeting and take them out. Later, he acts like nothing happened. He changes on a dime and can be so cruel so quickly. Friends are noticing how mean he is to me and I feel so humiliated. Just don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation.
(0)
Report

My husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s Disease. Both are progressing at a rather rapid pace. He has become verbally abusive, I know this is the disease and not him but it is still hurtful. I have 24/7 care for him and it still happens yet when I go out during the day he is upset that I am not home with him. He has started to refuse food completely and will not eat, I ask him why and he just stares at me then closes his eyes - no answer 
(0)
Report

It is so helpful to be able to read that others are going through some of my trials. I don't feel quite so alone. I never know what will be accused of stealing next, and it is so hurtful. I also worry that the accusations will become physical. This was a man who was always soft spoken and easy to deal with. At this time, I am handling this by staying in another part of the house, but since we are the only two here, I feel guilty not communicating with him. To make it worse I am struggling financially to keep things going, while his money sits untouched at the bank. This is really starting to affect me physically. If not for my faith in God I don't know where i'd be. It is 2:00 am and I am posting this when I should be asleep.
(0)
Report

I also hide all the weapons....kitchen knives and utensils. I lock all the doors and windows .. Turn off the gas stove, l have all valuables locked away. I really am trying to find the right kind of medication. Because sometimes we can't always walk away. It's scary and traumatizing..especially being a man. My mom gets pretty mean but I couldn't imagine, that's like being in an abusive relstionship, it has the same effects. Our loved ones need a cure but so do we the caregivers... I'm trying to figure it out!
(0)
Report

I've been caring for my mother for 7years, she has vascular dementia. Seems like for us, whenever she gets REALLY angry.. Its an indicator that she's uncomfortable. Either physically or emotionally. Hungry is our meanest one (lol).... But she could b constipated or have a urinary tract infection .... it could be a very small thing like she needs to lotion something. It's close to impossible to get her to the doctor. But keep a pen and pad handy.. Make an ongoing list to have to take with you whenever you do make it. I'm fighting depression anxiety panic attacks.. I'm overwhelmed.. Traumatized! But I'm finding my way out of this pit! .... We liquidized valuable things around the house to raise money to hire help. and just a small amount of help but something in our situations are better than nothing. I hope this helps... I'm praying for you!?🙏
(0)
Report

I cannot take much more my husband morphed into dementia about 2 years ago after still being himself but forgetful after a blow(not the first to his head0 for 7 years before that. He has episode 2-3 times a day and talks incessantly for hours some memories some repetitive story I've never heard of in our 44 years together and is verbally abusive with threats of violence to me and our home. He dosn't kow he's said it afterwards but at times I can't handle it and get upset and if I respond in any way it gets worse. Here in Hawaii you can ahve medicaid and help but only if you keep you joint o=income cap at $18,600 and they want you to sign your house as collateral."in case". I don't trust it and a lien is put on your house if they don't get paid by medicaid and other reasons. I am still grieving for my mother who died last year in June and the govt in UK took everything for her nursing home. I couldn't even go to her bedside no-one to care for my husband and my friends there had to bury her. I will be getting 8 hours only form a senior program that is only funded for 4 months and I have to work which takes me over the medicaid cap in order to push up my SS which will still be low when I get to 70 in 31/2 years, I can't afford a lawyer I feel stuck and I am so upset and it is heartbreaking when he is happy but mixed up and says he loves me but this is less and less. I can't get him out in 18 months and he is very fit but frustrated doing nothing. I hope the worker will help me get him to a doctor but I can't do thiasmuch longer but don't seem to have a choice. I have no-one left my stepson is trying to come to give me a break in the summer but I want a long term answer.
(0)
Report

I would immediately seek legal advice. I'd try to find a firm who has an Elder Law attorney AND a Family Law attorney, so they can combine their expertise to provide you the best remedy options. Most jurisdictions offer protection for abused spouses. Please do not let it intensify. Innocent family members can be harmed inside the home when a person with dementia is out of control. Maybe meds will help him, but, taking risks in the meantime, seems too dangerous.
(0)
Report

You can legally separate from him as he is mentally not in sound state and he has been refusing to undergo treatment for the same. Apart from that he has been abusing you for no fault of yours. So it would be better if you consult experienced attorneys such as Bechara Tarabay, and get legal help.
(0)
Report

I know how you feel. I am so upset with it, because it hurts.
(0)
Report

Cafebuggs, I found this article on Aging Care that might be helpful...

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-behavior-manipulation-154554.htm

When you come to advertisements at the end of a paragraph, keep scrolling down for the rest of the article... more ads... keep scrolling.
(0)
Report

My husband is 70 years old and was disagnosed with MCI indicative of Alzheimer's 1 year ago. His attitude has changed dramatically. He is verbally abusive to me, making me feel like I can't do anything right, jumping down my throat for any little misstep I make, making me feel so insignificant. I know it is the disease but I am at my wit's end and crying all the time. I just want to run away.
(0)
Report

Martha234, it is time to see an Elder Law attorney. The expense will be more than worth it in saving you from making expensive mistakes.
(1)
Report

I am my husband's POA. Can I put the house and car in my name? He is very verbal abusive. This home was mine before we were married. i ALSO NEED TO GET THE CHECKING IN MY NAME, BUT HIS Social security is put in the account automatically.. What can I do? He also is losing his sight, and has prostate cancer. He is a veteran. I need to put him is a good safe place. Advice please.
(0)
Report

Oh, I certainly know what you are going through. My husband was diagnosed with dementia when he was 48. He is 62 now. I worked up until he couldn't be alone. I do everything inside and outside the house and he does what he wants and comes up with lots of mean spirited comments. He used to be so sweet and most of the time I barely can recognize that sweet person I married.
(2)
Report

It's sad to hear about your story. Really i understand as a women how you feel specially when your spouse abused with you. I have a suggestion for you, appoint a assistant for him so that you also get sufficient time for you. Because experienced assistants have good knowledge how to treat with dementia person.
That idea would surely help you to get rid out of this type of problem. For your further help i have a company in my mind that provides memory care facilities at affordable rates because i was also suffered from this type of situation, my grandma had same dementia problem and my one friends from Tennysoncourt.com suggest me to hire a assistant fro her and i did so and now we both are living happily. She is now in old age home care center at "Tennysoncourt". They are providing temporary assistant also. You may contact them and hope they will solve out your issue.
(1)
Report

Thank you for your comments. After the last incident, days passed very peacefully. He stayed in the library for 4 hours with his kindle. Easter Sunday was also very well spent. Took him to a church he's been wanting to go. I am thankful that I have a space to vent my frustrations and feel I am not alone.
(0)
Report

My mother was mean as mean can be. A mean husband is worse. Mother refused to see the Dr, too. She even made my dad's nurse cry.
Finally I got her to go to the Dr when she hurt her back and also needed a flu shot. I called the Dr before her appointment and explained my situation.

Dementia has phases. Now my mother can barely speak and is completely dependent on me. For now, do things you enjoy and build yourself back up. Avoid him and make excuses to get out of the house for a while everyday.
Many of us here are dealing with this. Please let us know how you are doing.
(1)
Report

When your husband is abusive to you, walk away, don't even bother to respond to the negativity. If he says, why aren't you answering me? or something like that, don't answer. Don't take personal attacks to heart, remember it is the illness not the man you love that says those things. All the best, Arlene Hutcheon
(0)
Report

I am in almost the same situation where my husband seems to be getting agitated quicker. His doctor has given him Xanax but it seems he has outgrown it. I am in a worst situation because we came to our former state to sell our properties and I have to make decisions in consultation with our son back home. We are in the midst of getting a power of attorney for our son to be his agent. That also has issues but anyway my husband's behaviour is changing fast and the comments/advice here are very helpful. Needsomepeace
(0)
Report

I've tried to get him to see our doctor about it but he refuses to go. About that and other things too. I don't have anyone who can help me with him so there is no getting away for a while. The best I can do is be in a part of the house he seldom goes in. He just goes off on me for the least little thing sometimes and I've learned if I respond it only makes him angrier and crueler in what he says to me. I feel pretty helpless to do anything about it without our doctor's help and like I said he won't go. If he thinks or knows he has a problem he won't admit it. I never know what to expect from one day to the next. He has left car doors open wide all night long and I noticed it the next morning. He has gone out side at night when I am asleep and come back in and left our front door barely open but with the dead bolt and door knob locked which doesn't do a lot of good against the bad guys. He likes to go out late at night when I am asleep and sit on the back porch and I don't know how many times I have gotten up the next day and found it shut but not locked. It's hard to sleep well when you think a door is not locked and I am too tired to keep getting up to check them. Especially since I'm upstairs and the doors to outside are down. I keep finding myself wishing he was not here. Not dead but just living somewhere else. I guess in a way I feel I have a right to want him to not be in this house any more but I also feel guilty feeling that way.
(1)
Report

Both comments are helpful. I agree with anti-anxiety medications. The medication we use to treat my grandmothers anger and abuse caused by the disease is Lorazepam. It belongs to a class of drugs known as benzodiazepines which act on the brain and nerves (central nervous system) to produce a calming effect. This drug works by enhancing the effects of a certain natural chemical in the body (GABA). It's mild and effective and works well. We found information about that from a helpful website called ConsumerAlert and scroll down to the links.
(0)
Report

I know what you're going through. In my case, it is my mother instead of my spouse, so it makes it a bit easier. I can just walk away and go to my room. It would be terrible if my room was hers, too.

Do you have any help with your husband, like from children? It would be nice if you could get away for a while and let someone else take care of him. Do you know which stage he is in? People in moderate stages seem to be the most difficult. Knowing it will pass doesn't make it much easier when it is happening.

If you give some specifics of what he says, people may have some ideas on how to respond to him. Sometimes the abusive remarks comes from their own fears and disorientation. The one they feel closest to ends up being the one they release their frustrations on. Sometimes it comes from feeling like the other person is not acting the way they should. Like if you tell him that it is time for his medicine, he may feel that he doesn't need to be told. He doesn't fully accept how his mind is not fully with him anymore.

Let us know a bit more and maybe someone will have some ideas. If you have a chance, watch some Teepa Snow videos on handling verbal aggression with someone who has Alzheimer's. She speaks to teach people who are professionals, but most of her advice is good for us family caregivers, too. I have found her videos to be very helpful.

But still I get very upset when I get targeted and I'm not doing anything wrong. I know what you're going through and realize that it is even harder when it's a spouse. I hope you can get some help and take breaks. A week at the beach or in the mountains may cure a lot of the hurt and anger.
(1)
Report

Anti-anxiety medications....get him to a doctor and be very honest and give full details of his behavior.
(2)
Report

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter