My elderly husband with dementia is verbally abusive.

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What are my options? He has become so abusive to me saying very hurtful things to and about me. I am a senior too and trying to keep my head above water keeping bills paid and regular household chores and dealing with him. I really can't take much more. My life is so stressful and unhappy. He would never agree to going into a nursing home or somewhere and I would never put him there if it wasn't for the daily abuse. I understand what is causing it but am finding it hard not letting it turn me against him due to the personal attacks. Does anyone have any advise? If he refuses to go in a home do I have any legal options in court to force him to go if it comes to that?

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I am working toward getting my abusive, declining family member declared incompetent and their finances under control of a third party as a living trust. It is slow because I need a nice, clear case to petition to remove the finances from the family member's control before they hurt themselves.

When the outbursts are totally out of control is when I make routine calls to the insurance agent, the bank, family members, etc. It is extremely important that others see the full extent of this decline so they are supportive witnesses on any petitions or actions. I handle business calmly while in the background, the screaming, the insults, and the incoherent ramblings can be clearly heard.

This works wonders for daily living, as after being witness to the insanity people are super helpful and also don't listen when the family member makes demands to change an account or do something radical.

I dont feel right doing things like taking photos to show the daily bizarreness, such as that my family member is stripping their clothes off in front of me in the living room by the uncovered windows because they refuse to bring "bugs" into the bedroom by changing clothing there... There's not really a way to document that sort of thing without coming across as a creeper.

But if I am obviously on the phone doing something helpful for them and they are choosing to be totally unhinged, even though it looks bad, then it is less that I am secretly recording and more a window that "wow this has gotten way out of hand" to people outside the situation.

This has been a good stop-gap as I prepare to petition to take away financial control. A local business person I interact with took pity and walked my family member through a government registration process for two hours, bless his friggin soul. He is now 100% "team incompetence" after that but would never have been on board unless he had been witness to the nuthouse in some way.

In doing this I have developed a support network, many many people have had similar issues and their is a sort of bortherhood/sisterhood of the caregiver.

During the somewhat manageable seni-supervised shopping mall trip, there's a wonderful lady who let's me hide in her store and feeds me free samples until I head back out to retrieve my b*tchy, upset family member who is trying to cow a confused store worker for an imagined slight.
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I have a very similar situation. My husband has always been a high functioning alcoholic. He will never admit it. As he has aged, (70)he has become verbally abusive. He takes all his anger out on me. It’s embarrassing and scary. He has not been diagnosed with dementia and refuses to see a doctor. Not only is he abusive, he is extremely negative all the time. He has also lost interest in doing anything at home and in past hobbies and friends. I feel so trapped. I love the man I married,but didn’t foresee my golden years being lived like this. I cry and get angry everyday. I recently joined Alanon to help myself, but he always brings it up and says we are talking about him. Today, he said he should take a gun to my meeting and take them out. Later, he acts like nothing happened. He changes on a dime and can be so cruel so quickly. Friends are noticing how mean he is to me and I feel so humiliated. Just don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation.
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My husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s Disease. Both are progressing at a rather rapid pace. He has become verbally abusive, I know this is the disease and not him but it is still hurtful. I have 24/7 care for him and it still happens yet when I go out during the day he is upset that I am not home with him. He has started to refuse food completely and will not eat, I ask him why and he just stares at me then closes his eyes - no answer 
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It is so helpful to be able to read that others are going through some of my trials. I don't feel quite so alone. I never know what will be accused of stealing next, and it is so hurtful. I also worry that the accusations will become physical. This was a man who was always soft spoken and easy to deal with. At this time, I am handling this by staying in another part of the house, but since we are the only two here, I feel guilty not communicating with him. To make it worse I am struggling financially to keep things going, while his money sits untouched at the bank. This is really starting to affect me physically. If not for my faith in God I don't know where i'd be. It is 2:00 am and I am posting this when I should be asleep.
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I also hide all the weapons....kitchen knives and utensils. I lock all the doors and windows .. Turn off the gas stove, l have all valuables locked away. I really am trying to find the right kind of medication. Because sometimes we can't always walk away. It's scary and traumatizing..especially being a man. My mom gets pretty mean but I couldn't imagine, that's like being in an abusive relstionship, it has the same effects. Our loved ones need a cure but so do we the caregivers... I'm trying to figure it out!
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I've been caring for my mother for 7years, she has vascular dementia. Seems like for us, whenever she gets REALLY angry.. Its an indicator that she's uncomfortable. Either physically or emotionally. Hungry is our meanest one (lol).... But she could b constipated or have a urinary tract infection .... it could be a very small thing like she needs to lotion something. It's close to impossible to get her to the doctor. But keep a pen and pad handy.. Make an ongoing list to have to take with you whenever you do make it. I'm fighting depression anxiety panic attacks.. I'm overwhelmed.. Traumatized! But I'm finding my way out of this pit! .... We liquidized valuable things around the house to raise money to hire help. and just a small amount of help but something in our situations are better than nothing. I hope this helps... I'm praying for you!?🙏
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I cannot take much more my husband morphed into dementia about 2 years ago after still being himself but forgetful after a blow(not the first to his head0 for 7 years before that. He has episode 2-3 times a day and talks incessantly for hours some memories some repetitive story I've never heard of in our 44 years together and is verbally abusive with threats of violence to me and our home. He dosn't kow he's said it afterwards but at times I can't handle it and get upset and if I respond in any way it gets worse. Here in Hawaii you can ahve medicaid and help but only if you keep you joint o=income cap at $18,600 and they want you to sign your house as collateral."in case". I don't trust it and a lien is put on your house if they don't get paid by medicaid and other reasons. I am still grieving for my mother who died last year in June and the govt in UK took everything for her nursing home. I couldn't even go to her bedside no-one to care for my husband and my friends there had to bury her. I will be getting 8 hours only form a senior program that is only funded for 4 months and I have to work which takes me over the medicaid cap in order to push up my SS which will still be low when I get to 70 in 31/2 years, I can't afford a lawyer I feel stuck and I am so upset and it is heartbreaking when he is happy but mixed up and says he loves me but this is less and less. I can't get him out in 18 months and he is very fit but frustrated doing nothing. I hope the worker will help me get him to a doctor but I can't do thiasmuch longer but don't seem to have a choice. I have no-one left my stepson is trying to come to give me a break in the summer but I want a long term answer.
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I would immediately seek legal advice. I'd try to find a firm who has an Elder Law attorney AND a Family Law attorney, so they can combine their expertise to provide you the best remedy options. Most jurisdictions offer protection for abused spouses. Please do not let it intensify. Innocent family members can be harmed inside the home when a person with dementia is out of control. Maybe meds will help him, but, taking risks in the meantime, seems too dangerous.
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You can legally separate from him as he is mentally not in sound state and he has been refusing to undergo treatment for the same. Apart from that he has been abusing you for no fault of yours. So it would be better if you consult experienced attorneys such as Bechara Tarabay, and get legal help.
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I know how you feel. I am so upset with it, because it hurts.
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