What are my options? He has become so abusive to me saying very hurtful things to and about me. I am a senior too and trying to keep my head above water keeping bills paid and regular household chores and dealing with him. I really can't take much more. My life is so stressful and unhappy. He would never agree to going into a nursing home or somewhere and I would never put him there if it wasn't for the daily abuse. I understand what is causing it but am finding it hard not letting it turn me against him due to the personal attacks. Does anyone have any advise? If he refuses to go in a home do I have any legal options in court to force him to go if it comes to that?
When the outbursts are totally out of control is when I make routine calls to the insurance agent, the bank, family members, etc. It is extremely important that others see the full extent of this decline so they are supportive witnesses on any petitions or actions. I handle business calmly while in the background, the screaming, the insults, and the incoherent ramblings can be clearly heard.
This works wonders for daily living, as after being witness to the insanity people are super helpful and also don't listen when the family member makes demands to change an account or do something radical.
I dont feel right doing things like taking photos to show the daily bizarreness, such as that my family member is stripping their clothes off in front of me in the living room by the uncovered windows because they refuse to bring "bugs" into the bedroom by changing clothing there... There's not really a way to document that sort of thing without coming across as a creeper.
But if I am obviously on the phone doing something helpful for them and they are choosing to be totally unhinged, even though it looks bad, then it is less that I am secretly recording and more a window that "wow this has gotten way out of hand" to people outside the situation.
This has been a good stop-gap as I prepare to petition to take away financial control. A local business person I interact with took pity and walked my family member through a government registration process for two hours, bless his friggin soul. He is now 100% "team incompetence" after that but would never have been on board unless he had been witness to the nuthouse in some way.
In doing this I have developed a support network, many many people have had similar issues and their is a sort of bortherhood/sisterhood of the caregiver.
During the somewhat manageable seni-supervised shopping mall trip, there's a wonderful lady who let's me hide in her store and feeds me free samples until I head back out to retrieve my b*tchy, upset family member who is trying to cow a confused store worker for an imagined slight.
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That idea would surely help you to get rid out of this type of problem. For your further help i have a company in my mind that provides memory care facilities at affordable rates because i was also suffered from this type of situation, my grandma had same dementia problem and my one friends from Tennysoncourt.com suggest me to hire a assistant fro her and i did so and now we both are living happily. She is now in old age home care center at "Tennysoncourt". They are providing temporary assistant also. You may contact them and hope they will solve out your issue.
Finally I got her to go to the Dr when she hurt her back and also needed a flu shot. I called the Dr before her appointment and explained my situation.
Dementia has phases. Now my mother can barely speak and is completely dependent on me. For now, do things you enjoy and build yourself back up. Avoid him and make excuses to get out of the house for a while everyday.
Many of us here are dealing with this. Please let us know how you are doing.
Do you have any help with your husband, like from children? It would be nice if you could get away for a while and let someone else take care of him. Do you know which stage he is in? People in moderate stages seem to be the most difficult. Knowing it will pass doesn't make it much easier when it is happening.
If you give some specifics of what he says, people may have some ideas on how to respond to him. Sometimes the abusive remarks comes from their own fears and disorientation. The one they feel closest to ends up being the one they release their frustrations on. Sometimes it comes from feeling like the other person is not acting the way they should. Like if you tell him that it is time for his medicine, he may feel that he doesn't need to be told. He doesn't fully accept how his mind is not fully with him anymore.
Let us know a bit more and maybe someone will have some ideas. If you have a chance, watch some Teepa Snow videos on handling verbal aggression with someone who has Alzheimer's. She speaks to teach people who are professionals, but most of her advice is good for us family caregivers, too. I have found her videos to be very helpful.
But still I get very upset when I get targeted and I'm not doing anything wrong. I know what you're going through and realize that it is even harder when it's a spouse. I hope you can get some help and take breaks. A week at the beach or in the mountains may cure a lot of the hurt and anger.