My husband is making things so stressful and I don't get it!

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My husband gets so upset every time I tend to his needs. My dad has been living w/us since 4/2012. He had a stoke in December and since has become frail and has incontinent issues. I am able to handle all I need to do to care for my dd it's my husband that makes it more stressful. i watch my every move when he's home and this I normally do becomes more of a chore because of trying to hide all the help I give my dad. Prior to moving in and the stroke. We all 3 were VERY close. My dad was (is) in a bad marriage and we had offered him to move in with us if he ever needed. After the stroke my husband jumped on the chance to take him in.. Why is so resentful now. He new the care that was to be involved, we had met with DR's and therapist prior to the move here. My husband is making things so stressful and I don't get it!

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3930 helpful answers
I imagine your husband, though he doesn't really get it himself, is jealous of the time and care you need to give your dad. It's sad and hopefully the situation will improve, but it may not. One or both of you may need to talk this out with a marriage counselor or this could have lasting effects on your marriage. Take care and good luck,
Carol
I so admire you for all you do and the care you give. I hate to sound like, bitter, or anything like that, but I find that the things men say and their dealing with reality are often two different things. It's just my personal feelings, but I find that when I try to "tiptoe" around a grouchy husband or smooth things over, 1; it doesn't even work; he becomes worse. 2; MY resentment builds up and can even make me physically ill trying to balance everything. Your husband is jealous for your time and attention. I would sit him down, put it on the table and discuss what you can do about it; set a date for once a week where you two can be alone & have special time, ask for his input on the care of your father, even give him one of the tasks for your father (but make him think it's his idea & offer). It will make him feel valuable and needed. Sounds like a child? Yeah, well.
Good luck with your life and your family.
I, too, believe your husband is jealous of the time spent on your dad. I believe that having a discussion with him about this is a good idea. I would caution about how to go about that...perhaps begin by saying something like, "I need your help. I feel ...(insert your feelings here-about caring for your dad (this will help keep the focus from becoming a blaming game). No one can argue with your feelings...I'm sure your husband has some as well and it would be a good idea to encourage him to share his feelings as well. Perhaps there are some things that your husband could do with and for your dad which would give you a break as well as rebuild those bonds between them. Your husband could also be feeling afraid...he is facing what could one day happen to him...men have such a difficult time dealing with any illness...their immortality smacks them right in the face. Maybe even a counselor could help if your husband is welling to see one...I think a date night is a great idea too, your relationship with your husband is so important as well. Hang in there...I will be praying for you and your family.
As you have learned, this is a very sensitive subject. It is known fact that men like for you to think that they don't have weaknesses. Let it be known, if they want to accept the fact or not, men are all like "little boys" inside their hearts and heads. Their thinking is all good and well until they feel that they are not "important". You are doing a wonderful job helping your father. Your father was in your life before your husband. This raises another discussion. Some people think that after you get married, you are to put your spouse first in your life. No, God comes first in our life. It is not written in the Bible that a spouse is to abandon your parent. Because I am going through the same issues, what I would like to highly suggest is as follows. Continue helping your father. Give your husband all the TLC that he needs to help him help you. Praise your husband for the good things he does for you and your father. Do ask your husband for his advice. If you need to "pamper" your husband like a little boy to keep him happy, then you need to do it. I know all of this may be "easier to say than it is to do". What is sad is that we "Care Givers" need to keep in our minds is that this is a "temporary situation and it will pass". None of us like to think about being without our parent(s) but this is all God's decision and His will. I do pray for you and wish you the best with your future.
Every day, tell God, your husband, and your father that you love them.
I agree with EvaLynnPearl above... she is a wise woman! We women love to talk about things, but most men cringe inside when they hear the words "we need to talk." Your loving actions towards your husband will say more of what he wants to hear than your words could ever say and you will find, as EvaLynn said above, that if you "give him all the TLC he needs it will help him to help you." Love is the key!
Maybe he is not being resentful....just scared. The reality of the care your dad now needs may be overwhelming for him. It happens to many of us caregivers. We have unrealistic expectations of what the care needed will be and how we will handle it. After the glow of day to day care wears off we are often faced with the harsh reality that care takes time and energy. Maybe he sees how the dynamics of your marriage is changing and that scares him. You only have so much energy- and taking care of dad may be more exhausting on you than you believe. Also, there is now less alone time and freedom for the two of you. The past 4 months has been a transition for all of you- have you discussed what will happen when dad needs more care? Maybe it would be good to speak about an alternate plan for dads care and revisit it monthly. God bless.
I think you should talk to your husband, alot, and get his feelings out. And, ask him what kind of care HE would want if her were old and frail, we are all going to be there someday. The worst thing ever is if your Dad thinks that he is a burden, poor guy, we need to put ourseles in their shoes. Hugs to you and your Dad:)
Counselling. Ideally for both of you together. At least for you, if Hubby won't go.
I am so sorry you are paying the price for your husband's ambivalence about the changes in your home life. Caretaking is a huge adjustment for some people, and there can be a lot of resentment about giving up our "normal" lives. If your husband was responsive to the doctors and therapist before, perhaps scheduling some follow-up appointments to discuss your father's care might be the key to getting him to ask questions and express himself. You said he has been very close to your dad -- perhaps he is grieving the changes he sees in someone he loves and admires.
I know exactly how Asil63 feels. My situation is much the same. My father came to live with us three years ago after my mother died. He is now 92 and extremely frail. He uses a walker but frequently falls down (never breaks anything, just bruises and skin tears). I cannot pick up 165 pounds of dead weight so have to call for help. He requires a lot of care. I have to give him a shower, clean everything up when he messes or wets himself and the bed and take him to all of his doctor appointments, etc. My husband works and now his 86 year old mother is having health issues and is currently in a nursing home. His family thinks it is his responsibility to take care of her. My two sisters live far away and offer no help. My oldest sister tells everyone I took her father away from her and is very resentful of the fact he is living with me even though she works and wouldn't be able to stay home with him. Besides, he chose to come live with me, I didn't force him. It is a very stressful time because my father cannot be left alone so my husband and I never have a chance to go out together. (I'm looking for "sitters" who could come stay with him for a couple hours.) We live in a very small, rural community so a lot of conveniences are not available. I cry a lot and pray a lot. That seems to help. My husband and
I do talk and agree that we won't let all of this affect our marriage but it is very difficult. Everyone I talk to says that unless you have been a caregiver and been through it, you can't comprehend what it's really like. I agree!!!!

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