My husband is making things so stressful and I don't get it!

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My husband gets so upset every time I tend to his needs. My dad has been living w/us since 4/2012. He had a stoke in December and since has become frail and has incontinent issues. I am able to handle all I need to do to care for my dd it's my husband that makes it more stressful. i watch my every move when he's home and this I normally do becomes more of a chore because of trying to hide all the help I give my dad. Prior to moving in and the stroke. We all 3 were VERY close. My dad was (is) in a bad marriage and we had offered him to move in with us if he ever needed. After the stroke my husband jumped on the chance to take him in.. Why is so resentful now. He new the care that was to be involved, we had met with DR's and therapist prior to the move here. My husband is making things so stressful and I don't get it!

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Thank you, MarciWriter, for your kind words. Sorry to hear about the verbal abuse from your mother. My mother always pitted each one of us girls against each other and that is probably why there is a sense of "sibling rivalry" between us now. She never particularly liked me because I was my daddy's little girl and the only redhead. I always said she knew what buttons to push because she installed them all! My sisters are turning her into a saint since she died and cry over how much they miss her even though they never had a good thing to say about her when she was alive. I have come to realize that we all make mistakes and I don't know what kind of parent I would have been at her age. I have forgiven her for a lot of the things she said and did to me and I wish I could tell her now that I understand her a little better after living with my father for three years. We never had a close relationship but she was my mother and I spent a lot of my life trying to win her love and support. She was not a happy woman and never realized how much my dad loved her and was jealous of anyone else's happiness. They were married 72 years and she was the love of his life and he only looks forward to the day he can see her again. The saddest thing to me is that once my dad is gone I doubt I will ever see my sisters again. I am closer to my niece and nephews than I am to them! I have a tremendous amount of faith, my Lord and Savior who loves me unconditionally and my soulmate and love of my life who was sent to me 13 years ago so I think we can make it through these difficult times somewhat unscathed. Four years ago when I fell and broke my shoulder and then two weeks later my appendix burst and I almost died (because an ER doctor misdiagnosed it and sent me home), I realized how fast our lives can change. I don't sweat the small stuff and tell people I love them every day. Being a caregiver is not an easy job but it is a labor of love and I can look back someday with pride that I gave my father the loving care that he deserved. That is something no one can take away from me!
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RustyH20,
When you wrote," I cry a lot and pray a lot," that touched me. It shows how sensitive you are and how close you are to breaking. You are a saint to take your father into your home with all his health issues, but you must take care of yourself, too. If you collapse, your father will have no one and your husband will be alone.
I have serious issues with my mother in terms of her verbal abuse of me and other issues, but, so far, she's not physically as disabled as your father. You're a strong woman to manage all the care of your 92 year old dad, virtually, by yourself.
I can relate to your family dysfunction with your siblings. I have a brother and sister who do nothing for my mother, yet, they resent me and make my life harder, ironically.
I can't imagine trying to deal with my mom and a husband. You're doing the right thing communicating your frustrations to your husband, however.
I would definitely try to find a "sitter" for your father so that you and your husband can have, at least, one night out together a week. You certainly need a break from the demands of your father and to save your marriage you need to make sure you have time to socialize with your husband. Make those nights out with your husband a "no dad time," meaning you don't discuss your father at all. Good luck!
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HE MAY BE FEELING REMORSEFUL ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE HIM IN...ALTHOUGH IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO MORALLY, SOME MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO SHARE THEIR HOME WITH ANOTHER MALE, FAMILY OR NOT...YOU MAY NEED TO OPEN UP COMMUNICATION WITH HIM TO FIND OUT WHY HE IS FEELING THIS WAY AND MAYBE GET SOME COUNSELING TO DEAL WITH THE CHANGE
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Yes, Asil63, I do have a Facebook account. Unfortunately so do my sisters and since they are part of my problem I wouldn't want them to see me vent my frustrations! Good luck on your foot surgery. I had a broken bone that wasn't healing and a fallen arch. The surgeon said my foot was a mess once he got inside. It was cut open from toe to ankle and he put in plates and screws and bone marrow from my hip. Also made an incision in the back of my calf to lengthen the tendon. My foot is still swollen but getting easier to walk. It's been a long process but, hopefully, worth it! I could barely walk before and was afraid I was going to end up in a wheelchair - all because I was taking Actonel! So, hang in there and know things will get better. I never did have the "excruciating" pain the nurse said I would have. Naturally there was some pain and discomfort but an ice bag was wrapped around it for the first two weeks and that helped. Keep your chin up and do what the surgeon says! Keep me posted on what they say and if you schedule surgery. Where do you live? I'm in Georgia.
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I agree Rusty! People who "rarely" visit my dad stay for No more than hour ever! One sister comes once a month and thinks she's a saint... I'll never understand.

I'm so sorry about your foot! I hope the recovery is speedy! Too funny though July 17th I'm going to a foot surgeon to get a 2nd opinion!! I have tons of pain on top of my foot and big toe. Hard to walk some days.. My doctor thinks it's high arches.. I looked that up not pretty!
Do you happen to have a Facebook account? we could become friends there.
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Asil63, I think we have a lot in common, only I'm 70 and have a few health issues of my own. I had extensive foot surgery on January 4th and my dad went into the hospital on January 5th with an infected gallbladder. For the next four months I used a knee walker, crutches and wore a "boot" but didn't miss a
day of either visiting him (at first in a hospital 70 miles away) or taking care of him. My sister flew in from California for four days and kept telling me how much it was costing her! Her idea of "helping" is to sit next to him and hold his hand; she even does that when she comes to Georgia for his birthday and to "give me a break". I am not complaining about being a caregiver, I feel blessed that I am able to take care of my father the best way I can. I would just like an "atta girl, you're doing a great job" sometimes. I love my husband and my father and don't want to neglect either one of them. It helps to vent once in a while. Asil63, we should keep in touch somehow!
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I agree and thats the way I try to live.. I have always been called the peace keeper. I can always put myself in the others shoes and feel a bit of what they are feeling.. Some days are tough and other aren't too bad.. I treasure the good days! Life is too short.. I'm going to be 49 in August and when I'm ask my age I always say 37 and have to correct myself. Time flies... Thank you for sharing.. I appreciate the input.. May you future get brighter and less stressful..... Hugs to you.. Your doing something very positive.. Your dad is lucky to have you!
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This sounds like something that's all-too-familiar in oh, so many families: Something sounds wonderful in theory, but in practice? Ooph.

Believe me: I'm not poking fun or taking your issue lightly. I'm currently care-taking for my 85-year-old, Stage IV COPD father. When he and I used to chat on the phone about the day I would put my belongings into storage and move into his Saundominium*, it all sounded like it was going to be super-amazing, all seashells and balloons.

But put into practice (the two of us living under one very small roof), things aren't what we thought. Hindsight's 20/20, right? When we're younger people, having a sleepover, gaining a new roommate are usually pretty seamless things. But when you grow older, develop routines, etc., and your balance is upset it can really resonate and grow to the point of resentment or even blowouts.

I suggest that you do as you've done here, on this website: write things out, except address your concerns to your husband. In a diplomatic and reasonable, explain to him your confusion and explain what the very real deal is: that your father absolutely your attention and that your father never intended or wanted to be a wedge in the relationship you have with your husband.

I think your husband's been jolted by the reality of the situation. Perhaps in your letter, you can explain it's okay to be unsettled being around a stroke-victim. What's not okay is allowing emotions to manifest themselves in counter-productive ways. I've asked this of my own father in my letter to him, maybe you should do the same with your husband: "In every situation, no matter how big or how trivial the situation may seem, internally I ask myself, 'How can I make this better or keep it as is or not make it worse? Does complaining make things better, or does it only amplify the situation in a negative way?'"

Remind your husband that you are ALL adults, fully capable of handling this situation. Everyone's time is finite, limited to maybe seven, eight decades if we're lucky. Why not try to make things better rather than worse while we have the chance?

*Saundominium is a play on "sauna" and "condominium." My father's always ALWAYS cold. His two-story condo is 82 degrees on the first floor and about ten degrees higher upstairs. I used to complain and flip out and argue that it's in his head. Then the 44-year-old version of myself realized, "Wow, that poor old guy really is cold." I noticed one day last month (June) as I was changing his bedding, that he not only had his electric blanket turned to Eight but he also had a small heating pad in the mix as well. So, I went out and bought him the same type of gear that professional skiers wear; the high-tech hundreds-of-dollars shirts that are designed to keep people warm and pull away the perspiration. He refuses to wear them, so I just grin, sweat, and bear it as best I can because I know his time's limited and to sit around metaphorically stewing is counter-productive and negative. I mean, there are people who have it a lot worse, who are wondering where their next meal's coming from.

Finally, if your husband continues to be difficult for Difficult's sake, if he's so uncomfortable with the dynamic, ask him to rent a small apartment for the time you have left with your father. It's not fair that one person makes two people feel anxious and uneasy; that's dictatorial, mean, even cruel. Ask your husband, "If you had a stroke, wouldn't you want the same care I'm giving my father? Or would you rather sit in your soiled pants?" I have a buddy who's 47. He just got out of the hospital after suffering a stroke. Strokes ain't just for the old folks. Your father's had one. He needs your assistance. Your husband at one time vowed something along the lines " ... for better and for worse ..." did he not?

There. I'm done venting. (But because I cranked out the above paragraphs, I won't take it out on my father or my own living situation. It's a win-win.)
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Thank you everyone for the comments, suggestions and prayers. I offer all you my prayers as well. We all need them.
RustyH20 I can relate to you so much! My life sounds just like yours. I cannot leave my dad alone for more than 5 minutes than it's to only go outside. I have a large blended family 0f 9 kids. I can not get them to call or visit my dad, never mind sit with him so I can have a date night!! The farthest away is 20 miles! . I have given up because it shatters my heart and it's no longer worth my tears and pain. My dad has always been there for each one of them. He is kind, giving and so lovable and he does not deserve their neglect but there is nothing I can do. I have tried letters, chats and calls.. I'm done with them, they have their reasons or should I say excesses, but that's all it is.. His "wife" is no better, maybe visits once every 2 weeks if he's lucky and never calls! she's too busy shopping or visiting other people.. It breaks his heart....
To top it off prior to the stroke I "had" to work.. Our finances are so out of control with me not working. We don't have any credit cards to hold us over nor do I want any. This weekend we are having a yard sale and selling what ever we can live without.. microwave, chairs, movies and so on... Even if we do well it won't last long! I need to work! Right now I'm in the process to see if he is eligible for adult daycare so I can go back to work.
I finally got his "wife" to pay me a $100.00 a month which just started BUT that may buy me a gas tank full of gas! If I had money I'd hire a lawyer. All she wants to do is put in a home, so she feels if I didn't have him he could go there! While in rehab he gave her power of attorney! It's so crazy... WOW his wife just showed up! got to go deal with her! Thanks again everyone!
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why not have help come in since your husband is jealous. its like two women can not live in the same house with a man around. Now it is the same for men. two men cannot live in the same house together.Think about it people. you and hubby need to bring in some help. its going to get worst not better if your dad lives long. sorry,
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